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I love him, but dont like sex, I will do anything to avoid it, could this end our relationship ?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 September 2006) 24 Answers - (Newest, 5 June 2011)
A female , anonymous writes:

i know this may seem realy silly but i do not like sex. i have been with my partner just over 3 years and try everthing to avoid it.

We are both very much in love but have only slep together around 10 times, he keeps asking me but i try my best to avoid these situations.

I want to know if this kind of thing could make him end our relationship as i realy dont want that to have to happen.

please help x

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A female reader, ashleia United States +, writes (5 June 2011):

I am 19 and have had my fair share of men. Ive been with my fiancee for almost two years now and I swear we had sex everytime we saw each other for the first year,so everyday. Out of nowwhere I stopped having interest in sex. It isnt fun. Its isnt pleasurable. And I truly wish those damn KY gel lubricant commericial would cease to exist because it is giving him more ideas that I dont care for. He needs it. I can do without it. It is just a tedious task for me to do to make him happy. I despise it. I have never had an orgasim that didnt come from masturbation. Everyone else falls short to a battery operated toy. He wont leave it alone. Anything turns him on and that is bad news for me. Even when we are talking about something that isnt sexual at all you can hear him on the phone pleasuring himself and trying to talk dirty to me. It is just not a turn on. He tries to please me but I dont want it. I want him. I am willing to do the deed sporadically and throw in some oral sex often even though the thought of it makes me cringe but I cant deal with the predicatable everyday twice a day routine.I am truly debating on whether or not to continue this relationship.

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A female reader, Nicky nix United Kingdom +, writes (4 April 2011):

its so strange to hear people with much the same issue as what i had. i was with my previous b/f for 3 1/2 years. in the beginning (first year or so) we had sex loads as new couples do. however, after that first year something changed from one day to the next. i was still the same person, he was still the same person.i loved him so much and loved spending time with him, going on holidays etc. but i could not bare to have him touch me or even kiss me anymore. he was still my favorite person in the world, but i now all of a sudden was not interested in the slightest in having sex or any form of intimacy whatsoever!! it confused the s$%t out of me. I broke up with him eventually and started dating another guy with whom i have absolutley no sex problem with what so ever (back to like 4 times a day!!). so in conclusion i do think if the sex and intimacy goes, you have gone from being in a relationship (as boyfriend and girlfriend) to being best friends, after all intimacy is what separates the two. so bite the bullet move on and find someone who does it for you in all areas of your relationship. Everyone loves sex you just need to find a person who does it for you.!!!!

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A female reader, Sarah123456789 United States +, writes (26 October 2010):

I would say there is nothing wrong with you at all. You sound just like me an 99% of my friends. Our desire is strong for a year or two at the begining of a relationship, but then takes a dive; and if you have kids it falls off the cliff. For me once or twice a month is plenty. If he wants it more than that, let him take care of servicing himself.

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A female reader, TheBadElement United States +, writes (30 November 2009):

I can relate. I am 56 years old and even though I have 3 great kids, I've never liked sex. I will admit that he tried hard to please me, but all I wanted was to get it over with. I do not know why. I look at my 2 sisters and have to wonder, the oldest is a lesbian, the 2 is anything but a wall flower and I couldn't care any less - one extreme to the other. I do know we were all molested by our father and my oldest brother molested me also. That may be a huge factor.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009):

Wow, I thought I was alone on this issue. I'm 21 and so is my boyfriend. We both love eachother and have been together for a year. The conversation of marriage has always been a yes when the time is right. The first 3 months of our relationship we had sex all day everyday and it was great, but each month it began to get worst and worst. He is the most caring man, and I am very attracted to him, and LOVE spending time with him...until sex is meantioned. I always find a way to put him down easy but then he gets in what I call "his mood" and has a attitude for the rest of the night. I have got libido pills, tried watching porn before we do it, even just try not to think of how much I don't want to do it. NOTHING WORKS! We fight every single day about the issue and he just doesn't understand why he can't have sex with his gf like he could in those first 3 months. It's even holding him back from making the decision of us moving together out of state, because he feels like we won't make it if the relationship continues on like this. Sex is ruining my relationship. I just wish I still wanted it like I use to...ehhh!!!!

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A female reader, america52 United States +, writes (4 October 2009):

america52 agony auntWOW I have been looking for answers to this type of question for over a year now. I am newlywed, its almost been a year now. I love my husband very much, i am 19yr old. hes 22. he of course loves to have sex. me, not so much. i mean just dont care for it. i also try to avoid this situation so im happy im not alone...thought i was going crazy...i just get bored after a while..i mean hes always up 4 new things but i just dont want to...i dont know why but i just dont have the craving for it..id much rather spend time with him in other ways...hes getting very annoyed with me but is doing so well being understanding but i dont know how long it will last...please please please give me anything!! advice!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009):

Hi I was with my ex for 4 1/2 yrs and we had 3 children together. the entire time i was in the exact same situation as you all. I just dont like having sex, i was really attracted to my man but sex was just boring no matter what we did. in the end he left me for a 16 yr old who he says he "connected to sexually". my advice: dont bring children into it until you sort the problem out with him.... if anyone figures out HOW to fix the problem please post!!! cause im freaking out i'm going to have the same problems in future relationships. good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009):

Yes, that could totally mess up your relationship.

Your guy is probably going to think it's HIS fault you don't like sex.

And he'll want to make it better, but it's all you so he won't be able to which will bring him down even more.

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A female reader, Krumpit New Zealand +, writes (6 May 2009):

i know where your coming from, and i feel the same way about sex. im 15 years old, and iv been with my boyfriend for almost 5months.He loves sex, and he thinks i love it to. Im to embarassed to tell him how i feel about sex.

This is a bit embarassing, but i fake my orgasms to make him feel pleased. iv never reached an orgasm either.

im insane right?

whats wrong with me? seriously.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

i have the exact problem u all have, ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years and i love him sooo much, but i really dont like sex. i find it painful and it does nothing for me. i can count the number of times we have had sex in the last 5 years on my hands! we have oral sex and foreplay but its just the penetration, i hate it. but he cant understand why and says we need to do it to make us feel intermate with each other, i think he has already cheated on me, but who can blame him. sometimes i feel like i want sex but as soon as we start its as if i freeze inside and i feel sick and shakey. i dont know what to do because i love him but i feel as if im punishing him for my issue with sex. i dont think ill ever enjoy it, should i let him go so he can be happy with someone else?? or risk him cheating on me (maybe again) which will hurt even more??!!?? im so confused

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008):

I've been living in agony for months now, I realized I DO NOT LIKE SEX, AND MY BOYFRIEND CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT. so as I google something that could help my situation, I came across this website, and was surprised to see that I was not alone, and that actually guys also go throgh this. As I read the answers I indentified myself 100% with anonymous female reader(6 april 2008)Our history is the same word for word (just a different relationship time)and also know for sure that the anonymous male reader(8 feb 2008) has to be my boyfriend.Here is the deal: People tell they love each other and all, but it all changes if for some reason they can't have sex. So is it really love? I mean, if my boyfriend for whatever reason cannot have sex, i still love him and want to be with him, because is not just about sex. I love caring for him, talking, his company,I just dont see all the fuss about sex, and the funny part is that lot of the times I actually do feel aroused, and belive me had plenty of orgasms, but after a full day of taking care of a house, a toddler, school and work, I find relaxing on the couch watching TV,reading, or playing a game (with my boyfriend of course) more pleasuring, less phycally stressful, not mensioning less smelly than having sex. Well, my dear boyfriend said that he doesn't mind "to have sex once and a while" Which believe me, I wouldn't mind either but for me once and a while means "once a month" for him means "once a day", than I have to hear every day, for how many days, minutes and seconds we haven't had sex, I don't want be counting, whenever it happens, it happens. And the reason I am with him is not because I don't have where to go, I DO have where to go, I just wish we could work this out, but who am I kidding??.On the beginning I said I was in agony, but it's not because I don't like sex, I could care less, I am a healthy young woman and on the contrary of what a lot of people think I absolutly don't see a problem with it. My agony is just because I wish I would've realized this before my relationship started and maybe date someone more like me. Well GOOD LUCK too you girl...we are going to need it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008):

I have been with my partner for four years. I love him to bits and think hes gorgeous, but i have absolutely no sexual desire for him since the honeymoon period ended. This is not strange to me as it has always been the same with everyone i dated. I cant get enough of it during those first hot few months but then i loose all interest and cant be arsed. I do not like having sex and will do anything to avoid it, and the reasons for this are as follows;

I cant be bothered and Im lazy

Its time consuming, i.e. having to be stimulated enough before hand in order to be turned on enough to do it and then having to make sure your partner is enjoying it and climaxing.

I dont want to sweat, and thus have to bath again, do my hair again etc

I dont like having sweaty sex, dont like the feeling of wet writing bodies.

I dont like giving oral sex as it hurts my neck, back jaw and is also very boring and time consuming

i dont particularly like someone lying on top of me either, squishing me down onto the bed

i could go on for ever....

I dont care one bit about the fact i dont like sex, i.e. Im not worried that I am lacking or anything, nor missing out, but it is making my partner very unhappy as he thinks i dont fancy him. Questions like these make me laugh, as they have nothing to do with it....

Is this your first sexual relationship ? Or has this happend before ? Did something happen to make you feel like this or does sex just not do it for you ? What is it that you dont like about it ? Is there something that you are afraid of thats holding back ?

Its not like i want to have sex but i just have no libido. I have no real interest in it and I simply just cant be bothered.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008):

ive been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half and we used to be so happy together but now she hates to have sex and it makes me feel like its something with me. i love her more than anything and i try to not think about it but it feels like punishment. i try to hint that i would like to have sex once and a while but she gets really mad and makes up an excuse and wont talk to me for a couple hours. i really do love her but it seem like we are loosing our attraction and i dont know if we will be together much longer. the worst part is we live together and she has no place to go so sometimes it seems like thats why shes with me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007):

Its nice to know there are other people out there like me. I am a 23 year old male and I don't like sex. I went to the doctor and had tests. Everything was fine and I even have high testesterone. I am straight but I just don't like or need sex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007):

hello : i was googling some relationship problems and came across yours. I am in the same situation as you in that i feel no sexual attraction to my boyfriend whatsoever. We have been together for nearly 4 yrs but different from yours, we stopped having sex 1yr back and never mentioned it since(we're both very busy people!) .... and im wondering myself why i have this problem too because i can never 'come' when we do....

all i can advise is that you have a really good talk with your boyfriend about since he keeps bringing it up - and see how he responds, because at the end of the day, sex is not the most improtant thing in the world and he needs to respect u :) x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007):

Sadly to say...if he doesnt leave you...he will cheat on you. Sex is important part of a relationship. Which is why i dont have one. I hate sex. The smell repulses me to the point i want to vomit.I could deal with a sexless relationship. I continue to look for a dating site for Asexual people.Good luck to you and your relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007):

i have the same problem. I am married and I have only been married for about 4 or 5 months now. We have been arguing a lot lately. And a lot of it is that we dont ever have sex because i just do not like sex at all. I can go without it. But he loves you enough to respect that and you obviously love him enough to be concerned with what is wrong with you, which nothing is wrong with you. but if you love him enough you can try to have sex with him at least once a month ya know.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007):

Im a Guy and my wife thanks there is somthing wrong with me I have the same issue, i am married 25 years she is only my 2nd relationship involving sex, i love her very much, i have never concidered sex a main part of a realtion ship and dont like the game I play or fake as some would say. I didnt have my first ex untill i was 21. NO guys do not turn me on what so ever,, SICK

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006):

Hey hon,

I'm in the same boat as you! I love my boyfriend but don't want sex either. You are not alone. There's so much pressure to have sex. My boyfriend's not coping but when we do have sex, I feel I'm not being true to myself so I don't know what to do either. If you've been together so long, you probably have got a good thing going. For me it's been just under a year and it's already caused so much difficulty. I say talk to him. Hopefully he can understand since he obviously loves you.

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A male reader, Lostandalone United States +, writes (7 September 2006):

Lostandalone agony auntThats the same problem I had with my ex, except we didn't have sex at all and notice I did type EX. It ended up with me cheating on her. I loved her dearly and would have given her the world so instead of pressuring her and making the relationship suffer I had sex with someone else. Stupid as it was mind you and not a real solution to the problem, there was something missing and I put up with it for 6-1/2 years!!! It will take a toll on a person. It can cause him to feel insecure and start to doubt himself and question the love you say that you have for him. I used to be that guy so I know. I worked out constantly trying to improve myself because I thought there was something wrong with me when all along the problem was with her. Find the source of the problem and work it out. You're doing more damage than good just avoiding it and you could be damaging his self-image in the process. Good Luck.

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A female reader, keepitreal +, writes (7 September 2006):

I think your insecure about yourself and making him suffer for it. He wouldent be with you if he dident love you ecspecially if your not having sex with him.

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A female reader, bonym United Kingdom +, writes (7 September 2006):

bonym agony auntSorry I meant to type xXx but for some bizarre reason my finger went on the c button!!! I am sorry about that minor hiccup.

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A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (7 September 2006):

Wendyg agony auntIs this your first sexual relationship ? Or has this happend before ? Did something happen to make you feel like this or does sex just not do it for you ? What is it that you dont like about it ? Is there something that you are afraid of thats holding back ? I ask all these questions as it might help you to better understand why you are feeling this way. No its not silly to be feeling this way, but there could be a reason for it and your afraid to admit what it is. Your guy loves you very much by the sound of it, and maybe if you are that close you need to confide in him about this, he seems to be able to cope with the sexual contact, but will come a time when he will thinks its him. You need to indentify exactly what it is about sex that you dont like and take it from there. IS it the act itself or do you not feel anything and see no point to it ? Perhaps a sexual therpist or a counsellor will be able to help you source the route of the problem. As for will your relationship last, babe no one will know that but you and your man.. he has afterall been with you all this time so perhaps you do need to open up to him, get this off your chest and it could be the road that you need to take to get you where you want to be and to help identify what it is that makes you so turned off about sex. I think the key to not liking sex is working out why once you have done that you may or may not feel differently and can take each step as it comes, but do confide in your man as he could be feeling he is doing something wrong and really wishes you would open up to him.

Take care and I hope it all works out well for you.

x x

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A female reader, bonym United Kingdom +, writes (7 September 2006):

bonym agony auntSweetie, its not silly, but it is not normal that you dont like being intimate with the man you you say you are in love with? Why dont you like sex with him, is it him, is it his technique, is it sex in general? Why? Sex should be something that couples enjoy so you really need to sit down and talk this through, maybe speak to a relationship counsellor. If you are in the UK Relate are a great organisation specialising in sex and couple counselling. Take care. cCc

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