A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex-girlfriend used to abuse me and scold me so much that I have lost my confidence completely . Whenever I try talking to girl , my body starts crumbling and I can’t figure out what to say and what not to. I am so low on confidence that I feel if say something she will get offended and scold me. It does not happen when I talk to men.I would appreciate if somebody help me get out of this! Thank you!
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 you have been bullied by your ex. I have no doubt of that, because of your reaction.
And you will survive it and come out of it stronger. But there is a bit of work to do on yourself first. If you can try to find the following two books- 'I'm OK, you're OK' that one will demonstrate to you that no one is superior and no one is inferior to you. You are just as good as anyone. And just as deserving as anyone else.
The second book, or more precisely part of it, will really help you understand bullying - especially chapter seven and especially 'Biderman's Chart of Coercion' which helps you to understand the bully, what they do. And you counteract them by not providing them with the reaction they require from you.
Bullies are sick and nasty people. Avoid them as they are toxic and harmfull to other people. Ironically the bully dares to imagine it is they who are the one who is hard done by. This second book is called 'bullying, from backyard to Boardroom' the main editor is Dr William Wilkie.
Now, that's the books out of the way. Now on to you.
What anyone else thinks of you is none of your business. You do not have time to take on everyone else's worries, about you. If someone is telling you, that you are not ok, then clearly they have a problem. Let them worry about THEIR problem of worrying about what you are doing. The only person you need to satisfy is you.
Work out what is important to you.
Set some goals and work out how you can meet those goals. And when you meet your goals congratulate you and reward you. In a way that suits you.
You also need to ensure that you do not also waste your time working out how anyone else should be living/playing/working. The reason? You do not have time. How someone else arranges their life, meets their needs and the goals they set is all their business, not yours.
Remember your focus must be about doing the best for you.
That is not selfish, it is called surviving in this world.
You can still compliment people, congratulate them, acknowledge them. You can listen, show empathy.
You can give them supportive words or even take part in a group hug.
But allow them to live their lives. And you live yours.
Learn to say no. It's hard at first. But every time someone 'just wants your help' or can you 'just do this?' there is a BIG question you need to ask you a very big question which is, 'Think, what could this become?' take that question to it's logical conclusion.
If someone asked you to do action A? Then five people all asked you to do action A for 5 other people? Would you have anytime left for you?
It does not mean you can't help others, if you so choose.
But most people with low self esteem are far too accomodating of others. And far too giving, oftem ignoring their own needs, while they put themselves out to give emotionally, and in other ways give, to their own detriment.
People with high self esteem are more realistic about how much time or how much they want to give to others or to a cause. You need to get to a higher level of self esteem so that you cannot be used and abused in the future.
When someone wants to borrow money, get something for free from you, pay for them as well? They are taking an advantage that they may never do for you.
We lose confidence when we are too accomodating towards others to our detriment.
There are other things you can do to improve your self esteem. These involve you taking time out for you. And deciding to try new things. Or visit new places.
When we successfully achieve or manage to safely do something new if improves our confidence in ourselves. I will give you some examples.
1. Decide to learn a new skill (learn to pay a musical instrument or learn a language) 2. join a volunteer group doing good (join a good helping underpriveleged people) or just join a positive group (such as a yoga group)
3. see a place you have never been to before, a place you have always mean to visit, but have not.
4.or try something - Could be as simple as trying a new recipe at home. Or eat a fruit you have never tried.
Achieving something new really does improve your confidence.
5.enjoy networking with others. Ask others, 'how was your weekend?' listen carefully to their answer. When you ask a question starting with : what, how, when then the person is more likely to give you a longer answer to listen to. Getting people to want to talk with you also helps bring you into more contact with others. As you make more new contacts and build friendships with those people you will find that those relationships give you support and help you to better believe in you.
Always remember that you do deserve a good relationship and you do deserve to be respected, and treated well.
If you do meet someone who is unkind to you, who is critical of you, forever putting you down, or telling you off then the other person is TOXIC to you. Never be afraid to end such a relationship as soon as you feel uncomfortable.
My best wishes to you for the future.
Regards, Abella
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (24 February 2011):
You know the fact that your ex girlfriend mistreated doesn't mean she was right or she had the right to do that. No one is wrong all the time, so you shouldn't have any problem understanding that what she did was wrong.If you can't control your lack of confidence you could get help from a therapist. As it seems to be a problem with your unconscious mind.
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