A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:There's this girl at work I began to like quite a bit over the last few weeks. She is cute, funny, friendly and just an easy going person to be around. I'm a little shy when it comes to this stuff, but I began giving out little hints that I fancy her, and I guess she's picked up on it, and has become rather interested herself and we have been texting each other (a lot!) which has been fun and exciting :)However, I have just recently heard from my co-workers (and boss) who have known her/worked with her a LOT longer than I have, that she is into drugs and hangs out with that crowd.I wouldn't consider myself to be one with High Standards when it comes to dating, but anyone who takes ANY form of illegal drug is a no-go for me. Period.My family and myself are very against this; me expecially since I've had bad experiences with losing friends and family who chose to go down that road, and almost dragging everyone else down in the meantime.I feel guily and terrible for building her hopes up for a possible relationship, but I just can't see us ever being together now because I have a lot of goals and hopes in my life which I don't want to jeopardize by getting involved with someone in that "scene"How do I let her down without seeming like an asshole or someone who's just out to "use"?
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female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (6 June 2009):
 I think there are a couple of things to consider here. How important is this job/career to you? Are you the ambitious type that aims to move up the ladder or is this just a job that you don't see yourself in permanently and it's just a means to get you by? If it's the former, dating a coworker would not be wise and dating a coworket that upper management associates with drug use is even more foolish. Perception is a big deal and the wrong perception can be career limiting. You do know that if you are involved with her, people are going to assume the same things about you, are you comfortable with that?
So you've received second hand information about her but have not yet gone to the source. Whether she is actually doing drugs or not, people tend to hang out with other people that share common values. At the very least, this may cause problems because you cannot isolate your relationship and her friends are going to be included in your social spectrum.
If you do ask her about her drug usage, it's important to know that if she really is a drug user, that these people in general minimize their usage to others or flat out deny it. An alcoholic isn't going to tell you "yeah, I pour Vodka in my cereal every morning just to get my day started" when they want to make a good impression. More like "yeah, I have a few drinks with my friends sometimes just like everyone else". I'm not saying that you can't take what she says at face value, but just have that awareness tucked in your mind.
The only way you are going to know what the real deal is if you like this girl, is to start spending time with her. It's just dating, you are not signing a contract that by spending time with her that you have waived all rights to change your mind. As long as you aren't making promises to her, you are not "using" her or an "asshole".
It's even okay if at this point, you don't even want to get involved for whatever reason (as far as she's concerned) and you don't owe her anything except telling her "Hey, I think you are great but right now, I don't want to take things further" without placing any judgement on her. She might be upset or disappointed but this happens in life, especially in dating.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): Have you heard this from her? Do you want to believe rumors or get to the truth? Talk to her directly. Tell her what you have heard. Let her know where you stand.
Good Luck!
Britt
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (6 June 2009):
Be honest, you like her allot, but her drug use is worrisome that it may cause the relationship serious problems latter, and you just don't want to get further attached that you both are latter miserable over a then breakup.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): I'm the same as you. I hate drugs and I'm against weed too, I don't care if people can still live normal lives while taking it, I wouldn't want it in my house or smoking it if we had kids one day. You're not even dating her yet so If I was you, I try and find out first if she does take drugs and if she would be willing to give it up before cutting her off completely.
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A
male
reader, OtherStarfish  +, writes (6 June 2009):
 just be honest and say "look we are great together - i am just not into that stuff that you are - i know where it goes and for that reason, i am going to say thank you for a wonderful time - but i need all of you or none of you. i know somewhere in between will spoil it for both of us."
then see what happens---
Star,x,
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A
female
reader, ilovecookies  +, writes (6 June 2009):
 Im sorry but how do you know this is isnt just gossip?I'd get my facts right before branding her a druggie and refusing to go out with her, you never know, they might of have got it wrong, and she might just hang out with that crowd and not have anything to do with the illegal substances herselfBut if they were right I suggest you tell her that you are uncomfortable with what she's doing and dont agree with it all. Please dont make up a lie or an excuse of why you cant go out with her, it'll just make everything complicated and you'll sound like an 'asshole'.If she is using and you wanna break it off then you can, because its not you thats in the wrong!Hope it goes well Sarah
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady + ♥, writes (6 June 2009):
 I don't see where you two have actually started dating, so there isn't anything to let her down from. You're friendly right now, so keep it at that. Don't ask her on any romantic dates. You could also have a conversation about your experiences with your friends, which will send a clear message to her about what you will and will not tolerate.But if she's nice, and you enjoy hanging out with her, be a friend to her. She might need to know some clean people to hang out with when she finally lets go of her habit.
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A
male
reader, SyferFire +, writes (6 June 2009):
 Well it depends what kind of drugs, honestly. If it is weed, people can still live productive lives using weed. She is living proof. I mean obviously if they have known her a "long" time she has held down her job despite her whatever habit she allegedly has, so there is no downward spiral in evidence. I think that is pretty judgmental of you to write her off just because of that. Though, of course, your prerogative.If its, crack, heroin, cocaine, meth, acid, and all those "hard" types of drugs, then I would say you have a very valid and healthy standard.She strikes me more as weed and possibly shrooms twice a year type of girl for some reason. As to how to let her down, how do you let down any other girl? You've never had to let down a girl before? You could always tell her the truth. You could make up a lie as well.What I would do is actually talk to her about what you have heard about her and what particular "scene" she considers herself to be a part of, instead of relying on gossip like a woman.
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A
male
reader, boyman9 +, writes (6 June 2009):
Well You dont leave your partner behind. You like Her right? well its like this.......... never leave a mairne in burning building so never leave her try to make her stop at least try! sit down talk if you want to let her go then talk with her discuss why you want to leave her HOPE THIS HELPS!
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