A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I Dated this girl for about 2 months and things weren't going too well for us mainly because she had had a rough past growing up and in past relationships.There always seemed to be something going on and she was massively depressed a lot of the time.She attempted suicide once and it failed but of course i only got to know all of this after we had started dating and stuff.The thing is i took her to my sister's and my sister told me she really doesn't know why but deep inside her she doesn't feel the girl is right for me. She said she can't ask me to fall out of love if i am in love but she said she didn't think i had found the right love.These words shook me cos i had been down a lot cos i saw this girl as baggage.she had previously been operated on for breast cancer and the lump was removed, she also had a lot of brown stuff on her skin which was said could turn cancerous... Her dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and he has a lot of these spots. she has been booked in for an operation to remove an ulcer she is suffering from.All this and she is 23.I am not perfect or even near that and i know i sound like a douche but i got scared didn't want to end up getting married to someone with baggage.to cut the long story short, we broke up (very rough breakup) and she insisted that we remain civil as friends... from there it escalated to become friends with benefits and now we have just split up again cos i told her i think we were getting too close.The thing is after the split up after a while sleeping together i got back to saying 'i love her to her' because she always used to say it to me and it felt awkward to not say it back plus i really did feel something for this girl.we argued sunday and I said some nasty things and blamed a lot of things on her and i feel horrible now... i lead her on and now i feel very bad.She had love for me like i have never seen before but i think because of my fears my love kept fading i dont knowshould i stay away from her? despite being the dick here?
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acne, broke up, depressed, friend with benefits, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): say sorry,then stay out of her life for both of your benifits. Plz don.t go bk 4 sex. It.s not fair on her. Maybe write her a nice email,then don.t tk her calls. Let it go. Find someone else,and let her move on to what will hopefully be the happiness she so deserves.gd luck. Natx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): I do see you as being at fault here- first you involved her in a relationship when you had serious doubts, that is leading someone on, and then you took advantage of the situation and became fwb after a horrible break up- very stupid and selfish on your part. Apologize for what you've done and said then let her be- she needs to move on from you and find someone who can really support her through what she is going through which is a lot obviously.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): Bless her, shes had it rough for a girl so young. Feel sorry for her. Cant believe you listen to your sisters opinion still, you must know your own mind by now.
The girl is not your problem, you should never have turned it into FWB status - you know that though. Your not responsible for her happiness, you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.
DO apologise sincerely for your comments etc, that would help her and you, you will have hurt her,then move on... You do sound caring,your not a dick, you just cannot cope with her issues. Fair enough.
She will have friends and family to turn to.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 First of all, you're not a dick.
Second of all, she does have a lot of baggage. You can't and shouldn't have to take on her very happiness. She, and only she, is responsible for her own mental, physical, and emotional well being. You've taken on too much of a burden by feeling like you are responsible for her happiness, when you simply can't be.
Third, you made a huge mistake when you broke up with her, and she insisted on remaining friends. I know you did it out of guilt, and yes, you did use her when you added the "benefits" back into the friendship. The best thing to do is to make a gentle, yet clean break from her.
So you're still at that moment of decision. I'd advice you to find the courage to do what you failed to do earlier, and that's to make the break from her. She's had a hard time with depression and suicide and medical issues, but she is responsible for staying strong. You cannot assume that role. No one can.
Time to make the break. If you said nasty things, apologize for them, and apologize for not making a clean break, because that is the part that is not fair to her. If you knew that there wasn't a good relationship and that your love is waning, you should have refused the "benefits" part. That is where you crossed the line. However, you can rectify that by "un-crossing" it and making the break.
She will be okay, and if she's not, she alone is responsible. If she is suicidal, she should be reported to loved ones for help.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I think you should give her a clean break and try to leave with her feeling in the right here. Then never talk to her again. That way she can move on with her life and you can too. You admit you made a mistake and now you can correct it the best possible way. If you stay in touch with this girl in any way her problems will always come on to you and she will have feelings for you for a lot longer.
She may be in love with the support that you give and not so much with you as a person. I had a relationship like that and found out that a person like that will quickly find someone else and fall into the same pattern. You can't solve her problems and no one will think less of you if you don't want to try. I wouldn't get involved with all of that.
Hope you can find that clean break and move on with your life. You're not a dick, there was just too much emotion here and not enough thought.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I think you should attempt to rectify your wrongs first, for her and for you. Apologize for hurting her this way as you clearly have. Be honest and sincere about everything. After that, I think you should try and stay away.
You obviously cannot handle supporting her through her problems. No one can blame you for that, sometimes it is just too much for someone. Cancer is one thing but depression tends to ruin relationships just like this. She needs professional help for it.
I hope that helps.
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