| A
male
age
41-50,
*onegal
writes: Hi. I know a lot of people ask these types of questions here, but every one of us has an experience that is just a tad different. For starters, I am a 24 year old male, married with a 5 year old little boy and a little girl on the way. I have been married for 6 years now.My wife is a good woman. She is a very smart, and caring person. But, since we have been married, I have always felt like our marriage would not last. We got together right after I graduated from high school. This was also right around the time I was forced to break of a relationship with my ex. I had turned 18 and she wasn't yet, and her mother forbid it. After that, I had a fling with some other girl and then got together with my wife. In July of that same year, I asked her to marry me. We were married in November that year. The following Februrary I was in basic training for the Air Force. The problem is that I never stopped thinking about my ex. We have talked quite a bit. We both got our feelings out in the open and we both still love each other. I know I want to be with her. I know that I have been empty for years. I have tried my hardest to sweep it all under the rug, but we all know how high that pile of dirt gets as it gathers. Me and my wife have almost split up 3 times now, but every time we are on the verge, I cave. I can't stand seeing her hurt because of me.Now at this point I am sure some of you have thought that I am a very selfish person. In some ways you are right, but I am not so selfish that I can't feel other peoples pain. I have a good life, but I feel so torn everyday because of what my heart wants.I have already thought about the possibility that it may be a "greener pasture" syndrome. I don't think it is, but I am not so naive as to rule it out. I know that thinking this way is not helping anyone, but I can't stop it, or I would...None of you can tell me what to do to fix this,I know, but I need to get this out there and hear some other input. This decision is mine. I am so afraid of making a decision like this, but I know I have to.
View related questions:
my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (7 March 2007):
 There is no point in staying in a marriage if you are not happy. You said you want to be with her and have always loved her. You did not speak about your wife in the same way. I would hate to think my husband wanted to be with someone else but stayed with me out of pity. You will be giving up so much and if you feel you can do this then get on with it. But a word of caution what you had together all those years ago may be totally different second time around.
A
male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (8 December 2006):
 Is it worth breaking up your family and leaving your children fatherless just to tie up some loose ends? You are chasing after the 'in love' feeling that you get when you are in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, but after that it's back to making compromises and making it WORK.
I apologise if I sound insensitive, but you were BIG enough to have children and get married, now be big enough to make it work.
Why do you think that so many arranged marriages work out? It's cos they learn to love their partners and they MAKE IT WORK.
I wish you and your family the best. And that you make the right decision.
...............................
A
male
reader, donegal +, writes (8 December 2006):
donegal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick first response Jadzia. I want to clarify something though. Me and my ex don't do anything other than talk. I know what I need to do, your right. But I am a coward when it comes to hurting other people.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (8 December 2006):
 You know the right thing to do and it sounds like you don't feel you can do it, so at least do your absolute best for your little family in making sure they will be great without you.
Set a date months after the birth of your baby, tell your mistress to let you go until then. Don't contact her from your home, and don't do anything with her.
Be an adult and take care of your baby and her mother. Do everything you can for your wife even if you don't feel like it, act then. Invest all your time and energy in making this the perfect pregnancy for your baby and her mother. Without a hint of your cheating heart.
Your wife needs your support, she needs you to make her feel beautiful, dating, flowers, ect. and she needs your help. The emotions your making your wife go through are being fed straight to your baby.
When your baby is out, keep it up for a few months to make sure baby and her mother are OK. Mom needs to be on her feet and make sure she has a great support system right there other then you, her family would be great. She will need someone to cry to when you leave and bad mouthing you will be her right.
Also do everything you can to finacially take care of your children legally. With a lawyer draw up papers to make sure they have everything they would if you had not left, that includes if their mother was a stay-at-home mom she still can be. If you do this then your children can accept the fact when they are older that you did truly care and you weren't just chasing your penis.
If you're going to do this anyways, split up your family, break hearts, and leave your children fatherless, then at least do it the kindest way you can and at the best time. Think of it as pre-damage control.
...............................
A
female
reader, accused +, writes (8 December 2006):
 Grass maybe greener on the other side, but it's still got to be mowed... If your heart is not in this marriage, then nothing will ever work out. I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO LEAVE YOUR WIFE... so don't take it thtat way, please. I just know that when two people get married its suppose to be for love... and if your heart isn't in it, then it's just not there. It sounds to me that you got married on the rebound. If thats the case then maybe you should sit down and talk to your wife, I don't feel thats fair to be married to her and all the while thinking about another woman.. thats why there's so many ladies in prison today (lol). However I do feel for your children, they deserve whats best for them... but i've always believed that the best thing a man can do for his kids, is love their mother... and not matter how you try if you are not in love with this woman then you already know the outcome... GOOD LUCK
...............................
|
