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female
age
41-50,
*ecretlyinlove
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now we have had or ups and downs . A low blow came last year when i found that im unable to have children . Now he says it doesn't matter and it didn't to me untill last couple months now i want them how do we get past this . a friend of mine told me to get a puppy but i don't know . and what do we do when he wants one ?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): Maybe your boyfriend is happy with just you, and is trying to tell you that he doesn't mind if it's just the two of you forever? In my experience, many men are not pushed about having kids. Most women want them, and so in most marriages kids happen. I think that you should just take it that your boyfriend loves you, and doesn't mind if you don't have kids some day. He a great relationship already.
As for yourself, do get some counselling. It can only help. And you don't need to have your own kids to be a mother. There are lots of kids out there whose own parents can't love them like they need. If you've got a lot of love to give, you could think about parenting one of those kids.
Good luck to you both.
A
female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (8 December 2006):
 Dear SecretlyInLove,
So sorry to hear that you cannot have children. It is a devastating blow and a long-term problem which will take many years to come to terms with. It is not simply solved by getting a puppy, that does not do justice to the depth of the issue you face.
You boyfriend is unfair to make the comments he did. Even if it was once true that it didn't matter to you, it is natural that this changed. It is likely to matter even more to you as time goes on. You need to be facing this problem together and you need to bring him "on side" - understanding how you feel and talking these things through.
In the long-term there are a number of options available to you, including adoption, fostering and surrogate parenting. But this is not something you can decide in an instant. You can't work out how you are going to get past this tonight. It's going to take time to work through these options and decide whats best for you. And you have to be in a settled long-term relationship first. There's no easy buying-a-puppy solution - what you should be making sure is that the communication channels with your boyfriend are wide open and that you are understanding and supporting each other. Once - and only once - your relationship moves on to a deeper level you will be able to make decisions together on how to move forward.
Sally
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (8 December 2006):
 i agree with the previous writer, i think what u need is counseling as well, a puppy is a puppy not a child there is a huge difference between the two i just want u to be real and be able to face this rationally, find out about foster care, adoption or help someone in your family who is having trouble raising their kids, get a puppy only when u know u are not substituting it for a child that way it wb easy for u to accept ur misfortune and be able to move on. remember its not gonna be easy but being real is the most important aspect. good luck
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (8 December 2006):
 Well, there are tons of kids that need good homes. Adoption is always an option. A puppy might satisfy your nurturing need for now. But adoption is a great thing for couples that can't conceive.
xxIndia
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