A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend who is working abroad asked me to to go out and visit him for a holiday so we started planning and for some stupid reason thats when I stared lying. As the weeks passed I daren't tell my parents about the holiday (I have never travelled alone before and they don't like my boyfriend) so while they didn't have a clue about it, I had told my boyfriend that my passport had arrived, I had applied for my visa, I had had my injections and the flights were booked. The truth is it was only my passort and visa that were sorted. Even his parents thought the flights were sorted and have been ringing me asking me to go pick some things up that they want me to take him. My sister also thinks everything is sorted and has offered to take me to the airport (she doesn't live at home with me and my parents) Problem is my boyfriend thinks I fly out in a weeks time, my parents still haven't got a clue, the only things that are sorted are the passport and visa(still) and to be honest I have completely chickened out of travelling all that way alone. I know that my boyfriend will finish me if I confess everything, but I also know that it will break my parents hearts if I book a flight and suddenly tell them I go next monday?Much as I love my boyfriend and would like to think we would last forever it is my parents who will ALWAYS be there for me isnt it? I mean my parents can't dump me in a few years time like a boyfriend could. Just want other peoples advice before I go screw everything up though I think I know what I need to do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks that does help and already because of this whole thing I can actually feel the changes in myself and I feel like a much more decent person who from now on is going to be upfront and honest with everyone, no matter how big or small the issue. Obviously I am still going to get help and i'm not saying i've miraculously changed over night but definately feel something's better.
As for my bf, I have already prepared myself for the worst as I know it's what I deserve and if everything turns out ok, will take a lot of work i know, then thats a bonus and I will be a very lucky girl! Thanks again.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (4 March 2009):
 Thanks for updating us. I don't know whether showing this thread will help or worsen the situation, it is just a thought that just crossed my mind.
You started "timid" and then "defensive" and then "own up" in this thread. One can almost see the painful process of you "growing up" here. In a good way of course.
As for your b/f, even though he mentioned that he lost money and time because of what you did (or did not do), I am sure that is at the bottom of his anger right now. He is hurting because you did not trust him enough to confide in him. Money can always be "recovered". Time is a bit more difficult. Trust, well that is the foundation of every relationship, isnt it?
Please do go and seek professional help. Then if he wants out (I hope he does not), then you will have to let him go. It will be painful for you , and for him. But you have learned a very good lesson in life, and I hope that this will make you a better person for you and for everyone else.
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. Just wanted to update on things.
I've told my boyfriend I won't be going out on monday, told him the basic reason on the phone, started crying (knew I would!) and said I would email him to try and explain why it has happened and tell him that i'm going to try and get help to fix it.
Obviously he has gone mental, really angry at me but I knew that would happen, who wouldn't be mad at that. He replied to my email to say he had arranged and paid for things for us to do and it had cost him to get the time off work, which I thought would be the case so I have to accept that I have really screwed up. I told him I will pay him for anything he had arranged when I first emailed him, its only right seen as though its all my fault and I dont expect that to make everything right but its the very least I can do.
He ended his email with I don't want to say anything more right now as I am very angry so I guess now its just a case of giving him the space he needs and leaving him to get his head around things, while I start trying to sort my life out.
Thanks for everyones help x
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (3 March 2009):
Different people have different approaches to get the message accross.
You letting yourself to get wound up by Ted-ster just makes him prove his point. His method is more like a boot-camp one, which works because the receiver is pretty much confined and could not go anywhere. But when a cry for help is free to go (disappear and not return) it is very risky.
But most importantly, you did stick it out and defend yourself, and own up. Next time, just take a deep breath and sit back, and think "am I like that?". You will continue to meet other Ted-sters in life, so this is a good introduction to prepare you in later years. ;-)
Growing up is a lifetime process. So go already, get on the phone, sort the tickets and vaccination already! :-)
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA little bit slow? What gives you the right to say that!
I think you need to take a look around you, there are many couples with an age difference much more than 10 years, its not uncommon anymore!
Many people have said about me seeming and acting older including people I work with and my own friends that I have grown up with.
You say you aren't knocking me and yet every response you hve given seems that way, everyone else has been really helpful and sorry to sound rude but I really haven't found anything you have said the slightest bit helpful, infact it's getting me more wound up in an already stressful situation.
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reader, Ted-ster  +, writes (2 March 2009):
Your parents are right that you should not be involved with someone 10 years older, you dolt. I said nothing about your parents saying you were immature, I said it! (...but goodness knows, they must think that you're immature, and a little bit slow.). I'd say you're about 6 years younger than your actual age, not 6 years older (...let me quess? did your BF or BF's family/friends say this to you?) Talk to your parents again -- I think they do know better than you. Listen to your mother! You need guidance. You have showed us but a snippet of your life, and the choices you have made, the reasoning behind them, and the several people involved. This is not a decisionmaking pattern tree of a fully evolved human being. I'm not knocking you, I'm applauding to you, that you have reached out to get feedback on something that even you have realized is dysfunctional. Please rely on the good guidance of your parents further before you end up in whole heap of trouble. Good luck to you. (And please don't respond by telling me that your best friend, Suzie's, older sister, thinks you have the maturity level of someone 6 years older....please.)
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Good girl! You're already planning, that's good. I agree that you should get support in this, so if you think your sister will be helpful, get her on board! (I know I would feel the same about my sister too.)
So then you do have to tell your boyfriend. Tell him upfront that you have something unpleasant to tell him and that you may cry. You don't want to cry, but it may be impossible to control. Then tell him what you've done, and then tell him what you're planning to do to find out why you put yourself in this position. I don't know your boyfriend, but I think most men like to hear what the problem is, and then what you think you can do to fix it. They don't need a lot of context, that is, they don't need every single eensy weensy teensy tiny little detail. Broad strokes, at first. Then if he does want more information, you can give it to him.
Tell him that this problem is not about him, it is something within you that needs dealing with. So hard as it may be for him to do, tell him not to take it personally.
Apologize for all the inconvenience and embarassment this will cause him; tell him that you will take responsibility for telling his parents too.
Basically, you are owning up to your actions, you recognize that you have done wrong and you are working hard to fix it now.
You might want to write all these things down so that you make sure you get all your points across to him. If you feel you're going to get too emotional, tell him that you want to read him a letter that you've written.
Realize that he might be very angry initially and might not listen very well. Give him time to absorb this and don't push him to respond right away. Tell him that you understand he will be angry and upset and that you want him to take some time and think about things before he reacts right away. Don't take what he says right away too much to heart. Things are said sometimes in anger that aren't necessarily meant, they are a kneejerk reaction to a hurtful situation. So give him some space and respect there, and give him allowances for being very angry.
I assume you know your parents very well, so do tell them, and be respectful and give them space and allowances too!
Then his parents.
Now lift your chin, square your shoulders and tackle this. You can do it. You will learn from this, you will become a better person because of this experience. You will understand yourself more deeply and will have a whole new outlook on life and the problems and conflicts life brings. Okay?
Go!
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (2 March 2009):
Two thumbs up for you, girl! It takes courage to own up to yourself like this, even though at first you were pretty darn reactive and defensive about it.
Just tell your b/f the way you told us. He may be mad at you at first (to which he has every right), so will your parents and his parents. If you still had time to get to SA, all will be OK. If you couldn't, maybe he can come to you, since he already has his leave approved and assignments/projects all delegated to his colleagues. Actually, it is much easier to rearrange so that he can postpone his leave for later time. Or, worse comes to worse, he'll go on a holiday by himself to somewhere exotic in SA without you. And you can still visit him later on, but only sees him after work and on weekends ;-)
Good luck, and be strong in facing the music.
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do feel I need to talk to someone and get some help as to why I managed to let myself get into such a bad situation. When I look back now everything I avoided seems so minor and would have been so easy to do. I am having problems understanding myself why I have let it all end up in tears.And I am definately not going to live the rest of my life like this, if there is any good that has come out of it I have realised that I seriously need to change my ways and maybe get professional help to undestand why I feel I can't tell people whats going on in my head before things get too late.Obviously the first person I need to come clean to is my bf, I want to tell him by phone but I know I will end up in tears trying to explain my actions so any help on that would be appreciated. Next it will have to be my parents, I will tell them what my plans were and try to explain that I wasn't puposely trying to be decietful and plan behind their back but that I myself can't even understand why I've done what I've done, then it will be his parents providing my bf hasn't got there first, but even so I still want them to hear an explanation from me. I may go talk to my sister first as I think she will understand me most out of every one and offer me alot of support.Can I just take this opportunity to thank every one for their help so far, makes me feel less alone to be able to spill my feelings without being judged x
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reader, wonderingcat +, writes (2 March 2009):
OK. So basically you have narrowed it down to two main options: blow your parents (who will always be your parents - regardless of whether they disowned you or not) or blow your boyfriend (who may or may not be there for you - as well as you may or may not find someone who loves you like he does or you love a man like you love him). Which one do you prefer?
Tick .. tock ... tick ... tock ... tick ... tock ....
I know this is your life, and you live it the way you want to. Bu I do have a question for you: ss this how you are going to live your life in the future? Leaving important decisions at the very last minute? Humans are known to be creatures of habits, you know.
Cat
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 March 2009):
I wasn't suggesting that you are consciously angry with your boyfriend; I'm suggesting that you are subconsciously feeling angry or abandoned by him. Your conscious mind has tried to rationalize that he did the right thing, but to your inner child (I was trying to avoid that term, but I can't) his moving away was a betrayal, an abandonment. It's not rational, it's not logical, it just is a feeling.
Look, I could go on about this, but you have some work to do, and some self-examination to understand why you put yourself, very deliberately, step by step, into this downward spiraling web of lies. Nuff said there. Let's get practical.
So how are you going to tell people?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts not at all that I had a problem with him taking the job, I was completely up for it, kinda persuaded him to go to be honest! He is making a fortune and we had plans to get a place together when he got back. It was an opportunity that he couldn't turn down. My main issue is the fact that I've not told my parents, but yet I have told everyone else I have. I am basically living a lie! Had I just told them in the first place I would most probably still be going, and thats why I am hating myself so much now.
And like you said the more I have put off telling my parents the worse it has got as it gets closer to the time I am supposed to be going.
And nope thats not my question, my bf is in S.Africa
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy parents are right?? They have never said I am immature! I started off with a few little lies which have spiralled out of control, nothing to do with maturity! I may be immature in that I have not had chance to experience alot in life but I am certainly not immature in a childish manner if that is how you are reffering to me.
Many people I meet say they would put me in my mid twenties regarding age, based on my attitude, which i 6 years older than I actually am.
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reader, wonderingcat +, writes (2 March 2009):
Are you the same girl as this poster?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-made-my-mom-hate-me-and-dont.html
Cat
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 March 2009):
Okay. Right. It's time to come clean with EVERYONE. Tell him that you haven't booked the flights because you haven't dealt with your parents yet and because you are very nervous of flying by yourself. Tell your parents that you are seeing him and are planning a trip to visit him. Tell your sister and his parents you've not told your parents nor have you made any travel plans. And apologize to them all for lying to them all this time.
You're getting yourself into a corner by lying to everyone. You said that you are mature and an adult. So start acting like one, show you have some inner strength and common sense and resourcefulness. Face the facts that you aren't fully comfortable with flying, with telling your parents, with talking to him.
Look, I understand very well where you are because I have been there myself, years ago. You are subconsciously engineering a disastrous situation because you are avoiding something. I can't tell you what that something is, you have to work it out for yourself. You never really intended to go, the flying alone problem is a smoke-screen for the fact that you don't want to get on a plane and go see him. The procrastination is a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with an uncomfortable situation. The problem is that you're now deeper in a mess because of that. (I have done pretty much the same kind of thing, so I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm giving you the very best advice I can.)
I'm going to go into the realm of trying to understand your subconscious motivation for making things messy when all you had to do was tell the truth from the beginning. So this is all speculation and not meant to be taken as gospel truth, okay?
Some assumptions I can make: you are angry at your boyfriend for accepting a job that has made him work abroad. You know that you should be supporting his decision and his career, but on a personal level, it is like abandonment. He's gone and left you! What a selfish thing to do! --- So a classic avoidance/passive aggressive response to that would be to do the same thing to him, only ascribe the blame to an external factor that you cannot control. (We'll say the fear of flying alone is the problem you've manufactured here.) That means he can't really be angry with you. But you know that he does have a right to be angry because you didn't tell him the truth from the get-go.
You're angry with your parents for making being his girlfriend difficult, but you can't stand up to them because you have this fear of abandonment. What if they decide to cut you loose and let you make your own mistakes and not rescue you from yourself? What if your worst fears are realized? That you have to be an adult and take responsibility? You can say that your parents will always be with you, but the fact is that someday, you'll move out and be the grown up. Someday, they may die and leave you. You want to stay a little girl on some level and have things taken care of for you.
Look, it’s a week before you’re supposed to be on a plane. The closer this gets, the worse it will get. He may not forgive you, true, but you also are being selfish by not letting him know the truth so he can make other plans. He might appreciate some honesty in time for him to plan something fun for himself to do since you’re not coming.
You’re going to have to throw yourself on the mercy of the court. You can be honest and say you don’t know why you’ve gotten yourself into this situation, but that you deeply regret any hurt you will be causing. And I hope you mean that! Tell everyone you recognize that this was a childish and passive/aggressive thing to do to and that you will be doing your utmost to figure out why you have done what you did. Then go see a counselor. Seriously, I mean it. Your defense mechanisms are those of a child, they might have worked when you were younger, but they are not going to work now. In fact, they are going to make your life very difficult until you get this sorted out. You can and you will find out what it is that made you set up this lose-lose situation, you just have to get started. Take this as a wake-up call and DO IT!
There, that’s my tough-love approach to your situation. And don’t try to pretend that it’s about flying. It’s not, I won’t buy that, nor will anyone else. Be honest with yourself. The surprising thing I learned is that being honest didn’t make people hate me. They still loved me. They wanted the best for me, and as it turned out, getting some counseling was the best thing. Seems backwards, but there it is.
Tell them the truth, today. You can start working on the repair of relationships tomorrow. Come back here if you need some more ideas on how to go about this.
Hugs.
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male
reader, Ted-ster +, writes (2 March 2009):
Regarding your follow up: (My follow up) Then listen to your parents, you silly fool. He's ten years older, couple with the fact that you can't decided to make a trip, is even more of a factor than before. You're parents are right! And I was right the first time -- you are very immature. For goodness sake, listen to your parents. You're not capable of making good decisions yourself. At least you're smart enough to realize that you have the instinct to trust your parents here. Listen to them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts not a direct flight, that is the main concern for me. If I could just hop on at manchester airport and next stop arrive at my destination then that would be much better! Its getting on a connecting flight in a foreign country that worries me.
As for them not liking my bf, its because he is 10 years older than me and they have never approved of big age gaps since my sister moved in with a guy 13 years her senior. They also don't particularly like his parents either but thats a long story behind that! I have tried tell them about him and he is not a bad person in any way but it is my mum in particular who doesn't seem to want to budge from that fact that she doesn't like him and thats that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso the only reason I started lying to my boyfriend and saying things were sorted was because he was pressuring me quite alot to not leave things until the last minute. So in the heat of the moment I just said yeah thats sorted to keep him happy, thinking that I would pluck up the courage to tell my parents well in advance not keep putting it of until a week before and then start thinking s**t!
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reader, wonderingcat +, writes (2 March 2009):
If it is a direct flight to your final destination, you should not have worries about travelling on your own.
If you are tired of travelling on your own, ask (or pay for) a friend to come along with you (I am sure your b/f will have plenty of friends to entertain your friend too).
If you are afraid that he will leave you because you because you lied, hmmm that is a different story. Obviously you do not know each other that well.
If your parents don't like him, have you made any efforts to stand up for him? Or maybe he is as bad as your parents say he is?
If you want to be fair to him, suck it up and get your tickets! It is still low season (I hope) to get tickets easily now. Get your injections now too, as some injections may actually make you feel a bit sick for a day or two and you don't want to travel when you are sick, nor do you want to arrive there and then get sick. It may be difficult for him to rearrange his holiday schedule if you left it too late to tell him that you are not coming after all.
If he is in a position that he will be working in many different countries and they are far from your own, maybe you fear that once you are married to him, you will not be close to your parents and siblings anymore. That you yourself may not have a professional career that you would like to have since it will be difficult when you are in a foreign country, and when you move from one country to the next every 2-4 years.
Whatever it is, you owe it to him to be open about your fears and your current situation. You owe it to your parents, to your sister, to his parents. To yourself.
Good luck ... and hope you will have the situation resolved soon.
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was considering re arranging to go in say a months time, the only problem is my boyfriend can only get time off work up until the 27th of this month as another guy is coming home on leave so he has to be there to cover for him.
It's not that I think he will finish me over just not booking the flights but more that him (and everyone else who knows like his parents, my sister) think that my parents already know about it all! I just feel so stupid now for not been upfront in the first place, if I had I could have had everything sorted and be getting excited about jetting off on monday!
And in response to Ted-Ster I do love him and I am very much mature enough for our relationship, how can you say its the truth that i'm not when you dont even know me!
We have been together 18 months so something is going right! If you can't respond without sounding harsh and hurtful I would prefer you didnt offer advice at all.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 March 2009):
 It would be a bit harsh if your boyfriend ended everything just because you havent booked your flights yet! I think you should start by coming clean to your boyfriend - explain that while you have got the Visa and passport sorted, you havent booked the flights because you are scared about travelling alone. I'm sure he will be more understanding than you think - if he loves you he wont end it just because you got scared about booking the flights.
With regards to your parents, you are right in that they love you unconditionally and will always be there for you, while your relationships can go wrong. Explain to your parents that you want to go visit your boyfriend and you are looking to go soon (you dont have to give an exact date). even though they dont like him, they cant stop you visiting him and I'm sure they will understand that you miss him and want to see him.
Travelling alone isnt as scary as you may think, the hardest parts are the airports but once you are on the flight all you have to do is sit back and relax! Take some music with you, the plane will probably have movies - this will pass the time far quicker than you think! Travelling alone is a good thing to do at your age; you will feel so liberated and independent once you have done it. It is an achievement (a small one I know!) when you get somewhere knowing you managed to do il all by yourself!
I think fear is holding you back in all aspects of your life; you are afraid to be honest with your boyfriend because you think he will leave you; you are afraid to be honest with your family because you are afraid of what they will think; and you are afraid to travel alone because you have never done it before. You cannot live like this - you will end up regretting what you didnt do when you get old! You are only young once so bite the bullet and just do it! You are old enough and strong enough to do these things - once you start being honest with people you will find it comes a lot easier and you will see the benefits.
Make sure you come clean soon though, your boyfriend will be making plans I imagine and possibly taking time off work; this isnt any good when your not going! Explain to him first that you have been too scared to book the flights, that you are sorry and want to re-arrange for, say a months time. Tell your parents that you will be going abroad to see him - explain that you already have your passport and visa sorted but you need to book the flights. This way they will think that you have not yet made much progress with the trip and they will never know that you were meant to be going next monday (dont tell them this - there is no need).
I hope this helps and good luck! Be brave!
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reader, Ted-ster +, writes (2 March 2009):
Are you an adult? You sound very immature to me; disturbingly so, even for a young adult. Sneaking, lying, afraid of getting into trouble about a trip to see someone you supposed love?! Do your BF a BIG favor, and say that you're not ready to travel, and you're not mature enough for a relationship (nothing wrong with that - just the truth). Let me tell you something, parents of daughters seldom like the BF because the they think they're daughter is a princess and deserves the best (BTW, no-one ever fits that suit). BF deserves much better.
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reader, silvermist3 +, writes (2 March 2009):
Your parents would be wrong to not let you go. You are young only once. Tell your parents your going and it will give you a chance to see another part of the world. I would only tell your bf that you are scared to fly by yourself. Go get your shots and your parents will come around.
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