A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:(Moderator’s note: edited to include paragraphs; OP's title)I don't really know how or where to start...um, I guess I should first explain that I have aspergers, which means I have a lot of difficulty talking to people. When I'm around my two or three close friends, or at home, or even out in public, I can be loud and crazy and fun and weird and completely okay with myself but at school I completely forget how to be myself and become this shy, timid person; at school, I'm rarely even myself around my closest friends. I am also currently seeing a counselor and on depression medication.I'm a junior in high school and in October of my sophomore year I changed schools so I would be both at a smaller school and at the same school as my best friend (I'll call her Danielle *NOT her real name*) which I hoped would make it easier (needless to say it didn't...) but anyways, my first day at school, I noticed this boy with freaking amazing hair(who I'll be calling Cody *again, NOT his real name either*) and thought he was kinda hot; I soon learned he was a friend of Danielle's. I remember she told me a few weeks later that he'd asked her why I hardly ever talked to anyone. A while after that, I think I may have had an awkward, kind of forced conversation with him. Sometime kind of late in the second semester, Cody started kind of hanging out with me and Danielle like at lunch and sometimes at break and stuff; *I should mention here that he had a girlfriend at the time, so the theory of him liking either of us is null and void* I tried my hardest to talk to him, but it was really hard and so, as he got to know this gnawed on, chisseled up, chewed up and spit out version of me, I got to know him and I really started to like him a lot and I started to learn that Cody and the actual me, the person I was at home, were actually a lot of like and that we had a lot in common (music, books, etc.) At one point (over last summer, I think...) he invited me and Danielle to go to church with him, but I could never really get over myself enough to really be myself around him for some reason, maybe because we were always together around big groups of people, IDK, but it was really killing me at the time. It was the same when the first semester of this year started, I just couldn't make myself act normal around him. Once, at lunch, though, I did kind of open up to him. He's really religious (in a good way, he's not a hick or a bible thumper) and I really admire that, even though I'm not sure I believe in God. I asked him once before the rest of the people we sit with sat down at lunch how he believed in God so strongly and we just had this really deep, like, normal person conversation and it was so nice; it felt so good to finally be able to really talk to him. The day after that, though something happened and any social progress I'd made with anyone kind of like, dissapeared and I just became extremely depressed and self conscious; I think it was the fact that, at that time, I would often forget to take my medication for several days at a time, and sometimes get extremely depressed. I couldn't talk to anyone and when he came to speak to me at break the next day, I was just so nervous and so visibly depressed that I ended up just going back to being awkward and shy...it was so distressing. There were ups an downs since then, and nothing really significant happened, but it seemed like my depression and social anxiety were kind of eating away at me. After Christmas Break Cody and I stopped talking so often and I'd be afraid to go up to him at school and that made me sad because he was one of the only people that wanted to talk to me when I first came to the school. Eventually, I drifted from most of my other friends (except Danielle, *though we mostly talked outside of school*) at school as well. I was becoming isolated and it was so painful and scary (and still is) it started to feel like I was all alone in the world. A few weeks ago it finally got to me, it was like something finally broke inside me and right in the middle of study hall, when everyone else was laughing and goofing off I sat in the only empty chair and started to cry. I sobbed for a good five minutes without even the teacher giving a damn, but Cody came and brought me a tissue and asked me what was wrong. At first, I tried to stop crying and (unsuccessfully) clean myself up as I told him I was okay, but he wouldn't believe me and so, I kind of bawled and told him that I was weird and nobody liked me and I didn't have any friends (I was in hysterics...) and he said that I should go clean up my make up and come back and talk to him, so I did. I was still too afraid to say much, but he sat and talked to me instead of going back to his friends and it was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me. Unfortunately, like I said, I was in hysterics and too stupid and afraid to say much and all that really came out was "I don't have any friends, no one likes me." and when he started talking about Jesus and God and how they were so influential in his life I said "I don't think I believe in God..." and he asked me why and I said "I guess, just because-" and he asked, "Just because?" and looked at me kind of funny and then I finished and told him it was because my life was totally miserable, but that's about all I said to him. It was so embarrassing-I was in such a stupid state and I didn't explain what was going on, and I really wish I had. I like him so much and I just want him to know why I am the way I am and I want him to know ME not the awkward little shy girl that goes to his school. If I could just get over this shit and talk to him...we've got so much in common and we'd be so good together. I'm so in love with him my heart aches...it feels so weird to say that though. I feel like such a creep. Anyways, we've spoken once or twice since that incident in study hall. In one instance, it was a totally awkward conversation in chat where I was so scared and embarrassed and had no idea what to say and ended up probably looking like an idiot. Any advice on how to un-muck this totally screwed up friendship would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, veranda23 +, writes (24 March 2010):
 weell, to be perfectly honest, I don't think you should focus so much on this guy as you should working on your depression and self-esteem issues. Your only in high school. You have your whole life ahead of you, and it sounds like your obsessing over this one person who may or may not be right for you. Let's say you two do end up together. It might not even last past high school. When I was your age, I had a crush on someone all through high school. Two years after high school, we ended up dating for two years, and it was a waste of time. If your not in a healthy place emotionally it's going to be very hard to make any type of relationship work. So, I say work on building your self confidence and making friends!! Why don't you get a job? You'll be able to make money to get a new haircut or clothes with, and meet new people. Good luck young miss. And cheer up. It can't rain all the time :D
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 It's a very positive thing that you're seeing a counsellor. A skilled professional can be a huge help! You sound like a very self-aware person who just needs a bit of practice presenting yourself in a way you're content with.
A couple of thoughts. How do you feel about someone who comes up to speak to you? If you're like most of us, you give them the benefit of the doubt, and you feel badly for them if they seem nervous and tongue-tied. Cody is giving you the benefit of the doubt -- he wants you to be OK, and he seems willing to help you get there. It doesn't sound like he'd judging you or thinking negatively about you.
Talk this over with the counsellor first, but you might consider showing Cody the question you posted.
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