A
female
age
30-35,
*rivateGirl
writes:Today the guy im seeing and I decided to go our separate ways. We had been seeing each other 6 months and I decided to ask the defining questions "when do you wanna meet my friends, come for a drink Saturday";"my mother really wants to meet you, how does next weekend sound?" "I'd love to meet your family" etc. Long story short he said he is indecisive as to what he wants to do relationship wise. I'm no fool I know I'm just obviously not the girl. I know it sounds petty but I have no idea what I've been doing wrong in all my relationships with men, they never want to define the relationship with and never wanna move forward. What am I doing wrong? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 May 2014):
 No one is saying she has to MEET the family before sex. But she might WANT to be in an ACTUAL relationship before getting intimate. To get to KNOW the guy a while before the sex. Figure out if SHE wants to DATE him and if HE wants to date her. And I don't mean getting to know someone through text and whatsapp, Facebook and goodness knows what else people use these days.
So many people start out with sex with an almost stranger and then try and make up for the lack of knowing the other person. Some people are CONTENT with a "just" sex relationship and having sex early might make a guy perception of a girl be of a girl who isn't LOOKING for more then FWB.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 May 2014):
Everyone is trying to be helpful but I think trying to say that you should have a serious relationship and meet his family, etc before having sex is a little old fashioned. While it may be fine advice for the right person, it doesn't apply to most people.
I think the bottom line is that guys at your age aren't exactly dying to be locked down by a committed relationship. I know I wasn't. A relationship was fine, but something that's not too serious and with too much expectations.
I also agree that you're too young to start thinking you're doing something wrong. EXCEPT, I'm not sure you should be beating around the Bush when it comes to commitment and other issues that are important to you. Honesty is a good policy here.
When you ask "defining questions" as you put them, it could scare the guy off because he may realize that he's probably not on the same page as you. If you give him dome time he may get to that point. But to me it helps to tell people what you're looking for pretty soon. If he just wants a Booty call or casual relationship he can tell you and you don't need to waste time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): As well as the sex issue (too soon) it can also be what you actually do when you meet - if you just tend to "hang out" as mates would ie. go for drinks or whatever, then he will tend to see you more as a 'bloke with tits' ie. a friend to also have sex with. And it can also be the way that you act with him - I know we just want to be treated as equals with me, but a lot of the time they just don't 'get it' - so if you are behaving like a friend because you just want to be an equal, they won't act like ' a man' in the sense that they won't feel they have to treat you in any special or 'defining' way - they won't see you as vulnerable or in need of their protection or special care, and they definitely will not see you as 'special value' if you just give out sex really soon - that's where a degree of unattainability really does help. It's not about being manipulative as such, it's about understanding that unless you position yourself as special, and aim for 'equal', they just won't treat you as much other than a friend with sex included.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 May 2014):
I do think it can come down to being intimate (sex) too soon. A LOT of guys assume that if you are willing to have sex early on, you aren't looking oft a serious relationship or.. you aren't GF material. It's BS really, but it does seem to be a common assumption.
I wouldn't call it a failure either. He wasn't it for you. You weren't it for him.
Get to know a guy, then figure out if he is someone you want to BE with (as in BF) become exclusive (and no hinting at being exclusive, be honest about what you want) if they aren't sure, then they AREN'T for you - and you move on. IF they DO want to be bf/gf THEN sex can come into the picture.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 Maybe this guy just wasn't into you at all and deep down inside you knew it and were still pushing him for commitment, thinking that that would get him to consider the relationship more seriously?
I don't think you're not doing anything wrong; you're just not reading the guys right. Henceforth, don't sleep with a guy till you've established a relationship. Sex should follow a relationship, it shouldn't be the other way around.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (22 May 2014):
You are too young to worry about it being any sort of failure. When I was young my boyfriends enjoyed meeting my parents. It didn't mean we were getting married. I do think "defining the relationship" sounds a bit formal, we always thought it was about knowing each other better and that was all there was to it. Plus my Mum made the best Yorkshire puts in the world, so they always wanted Sunday lunch. It was fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): My guess is that you are sleeping with them too soon. You should have them meet your friends and family before you sleep together. You should develop a friendship and a relationship with these guys before getting into bed. Unless you are officially his girlfriend and you know he likes you and is serious about you, don't sleep with him.
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