A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Long story short as possible. I could really use some advice/encouraging words. My boyfriend (ex, I should say) have been together 4 years. Things towards the end started to go bad. We've basically been on and off the last 4 months. One minute we're "together" and the next we're "friends". We can't seem to work out our differences now like we could in the past. He says I'm dramatic and he can't stand being around me and I say he's not communicating enough and unappreciative.We hardly talk/see each other anymore but we are still friends on facebook and neither one of us have been with anyone else since our "breakup" 4 months ago. As far as I know, from what he told me the other day, he isn't even talking to anyone else right now and I'm not either. He basically goes to work, go out with friends and is just living his life. I'm doing the same.Monday I sent him a text and asked if he could help me go pick something up that took 2 people. Prior to this it had been almost 2 weeks since I'd saw him. He left work early, met me and took me there. He was in no way obligated to do so but he did help me out. Along the way we had a fight where he said I'm his friend, then not much later he refers to us as in a relationship and what needs to be done to make this "relationship" work. He smacked me on the leg and said he loves/misses me and misses me lying in bed next to him but he can't handle the bullshit anymore which is when the dramatic/non-communicative conversation came about. One thing with him is he loves to get reactions out of me. He loves to say things jokingly to see how I'm going to react. Even though I know he's testing me to see if I'm going to be dramatic, it may still be something that bugs me therefore I lash out. This is one of my issues he doesn't like and he's flat out told me that he's basically staying away from me so I can calm down and not be so uptight anymore. He wants me to go back to the bubbly, happy, playful woman I used to be before some problems arose in our relationship and he told me 2 weeks ago he's "waiting" to see what I'm going to do. He's expecting this break to be of help to us.With that said, I know this man loves me. I can see it in his eyes and I can feel it when he's around me but he's got a wall up right now that I can't seem to break down. When I saw him 2 days ago it was like old times. The love/passion is still between us and he will admit it but there's really nothing going on with us right now. My birthday is the 25th and he made a comment he'd like for me to spend my birthday with him this coming weekend which is a change because he hasn't asked me over to stay the weekend in quite some time.Like I said, we hardly text/see each other but he does acknowledge me from time to time and when we do get together there's no denying our love for each other. I know he wants to be with me but he doesn't want to fight. I guess I'm wondering what to do from here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): This certainly would gives one the impression that the option is still open:
"He smacked me on the leg and said he loves/misses me and misses me lying in bed next to him but he can't handle the bullshit anymore"
If you aren't having sex. I don't think he'll rule it out.
My bad!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 That you were / are / are going to be used for sex may be the WRONG assumption on our side, but from what you wrote us, I must say it sounds like a very logical assumption.
You say you can still feel the love / passion when you get together... Uhm, love is an action, not just a sensation. Who loves , acts in a loving way. His way is to shun you and keep you at arm 's lengthh, and to deny you access and communnication because you may prove ornery and hard to handle. Which you admit you can be, but, isn't love supposed to be patient ?.... This gentleman, sounds like he's lost all patience with you and can only stand to have you around in very small, manageable doses. Which, if it were me, would make me doubt about the nature of his love.
Passion is easier to detect and evaluate, because it's about physical attraction and desire, and , well, that's easy to see isn't it ?, in some specific sitiations, which we thougt you made reference too. Unless you just meant you read passion in his eyes... careful : eyes can deceive too. Same as words. Only actions tell the truth.
Then you say that it's a while he does not invite you to stay over, but apparently this is going to change soon. Well, not to butt too much into your personal business, but I'd say it's a not too far fetched assumption to think that if you' spent the weekend together there would be intimate times. It's probable. Maybe I am wrong, maybe he'd just want you to hang out and eat, watch TV etc..... but , would you need to sleep over for that ?
What I mean is, don't jump to conclusions and decide that if he seems to want to rekindle certain aspects of your relationship, it's because the break has worked and he's ready to restart all as it was before. Au contraire, the way he acted and what he said seem to indicate that he finds you too dramatic and high maintenance for regular dating, - and he'd be fine with seeing much less of you than you wish.
I am not sure that he is waiting to see what you will do- how would he know, since he's so seldom around you ? I think that he , in fact, has been not too mysterious in conveying the idea that you don't work as a couple, and that he does not want to have to deal at all with certain parts of you. He only likes the happy bubbly easy going low maintenance part. And , you can be sure that his keeping you at arm's lengt is his way to make sure things will STAY low maintenance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, nowhere in there did I say we're having sex so your theory of being used for sex is definitely NOT correct. I'm not his booty call.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): My dear, you both are at an impasse; because "you" can't change over-night. Having a boyfriend for you. is like an oxygen-tank underwater. You'll behave for awhile; and he breaks-down your facade to expose you.
He is placing the full responsibility of "changing" on your shoulders; meanwhile, he only sees you when he wants sex.
You are falsely reading this intimacy as love, and reconciliation Basically, you are being used. Willfully, of course. You're trying to woo him back with sex. It seems to be the only time you both get along.
He does care for you deeply; but the feelings have changed from what they used to be. He's not "in-love" with you. So there is no bridge of communication between you. There never really was. He was strong enough to put up with your quirks. Now it's hard to continue. You're tired of him too; but fear being alone more.
He basically tolerates your quirks and moody behavior; but he has run out of patience. He is too immature to know how to effectively communicate with you; because you are too immature to know how to communicate without losing your temper or dramatizing. Everything sets you off, you are a ticking time-bomb. You need to have your anxiety checked by your doctor in-case you have a hormonal imbalance. Sometimes behavior is affected by birth-control, if your behavior has drastically changed. We can't rule out PMS.
You think I'm attacking you and placing all blame on you.
I'm not. You wrote, you get the advice. I'm sure he has a side to tell also. He has to get the benefit of the doubt in fairness.
All in all; you need to end your emotional-dependance on this guy.
You are incompatible as a couple. He won't communicate with you; because you don't know how to get to the point, and explain what it is that is bothering you. He isn't communicating? What specifically are you upset about? He just doesn't talk to you? Why isn't he interested in anything you have to say?
He doesn't seem to be interested in talking, because it always leads to some complaint. It is probably totally legitimate, but it sounds like nagging and whining; because of the delivery. It is probably always related to an insecurity, or always centering on how you're unhappy in the relationship.
You're unhappy, because you can't see he's the wrong guy, and the relationship isn't progressing anywhere. So you get frustrated and angry. He seems stupid to you. Unwilling to listen, and inattentive to your needs.
That's because you're incompatible!!!
You're trying to change him into someone he's not, and you really need to change yourself. That is the only person you can change. You've admitted so.
Your problems are based on the fact you need a boyfriend to help you deal with your underlying emotional and psychological issues. Things inside you that are broken; that you've never dealt with. You thought he could help you.
He helped you to cope, but it's too heavy a burden for him to carry for you, my dear. We introspect, and exorcise our own demons; or find professional help when necessary.
You have issues based on your personal family-problems, and insecurities about yourself. Your relationship is stagnant, and you have too much dependency on it to provide you comfort. You have no clue how to make yourself happy, and it is evident in every word you've written in your post.
You lack self-confidence. He is your everything. and you're a spoiled cry-baby. He's tired of it. He is also tired of the relationship; but not the sex.
So he has been playing mind-games with you. You're also playing mind-games with him. An emotional tug-of-war. You plan to get him back, but you want to change him. Not yourself. It's too hard on both counts. I know that is very frustrating for you.
Breaks come before breakups. He is getting his head right for breaking-up with you. He is also pushing your buttons to show you that you haven't changed. He wants to walk away without guilt and making it all your fault.
You're not working on it; because you're really just waiting him out. You're naturally stubborn, and used to having your way. I also see that evidenced in your post.
Your dying relationship has run it's course. You both have a lot to work on individually. You need to go your separate ways and find other people after a period of self-improvement and being totally single.
Yes, you're thirty, or over. That's often the age of desperation. Marriage and children. The problem you're having is, you need repair-work before you can maintain a relationship. You see him as your last chance.
That is soooooo far from the truth. Only time and reality will convince you of that. Not my words.
He is not the communicative-type, and you don't know how to convey your point without a lot of drama and emotionalizing. The repetitive-cycle between you never breaks. It's a perpetual circle of fights, and brief make-ups. Neither wants to admit they're wrong. You'll only concede when he leaves. Then you'll admit fault to get him back. You put on a pathetic performance, and he comes home.
It no longer works.
The only thing he is "waiting" for; is to allow himself to get used to being separated from you. The fact he says he isn't seeing anyone doesn't mean he is not. Even if he isn't, he is getting a head-start on getting over you; and moving on. You're the one in emotional-limbo.
He has put up a wall for the time-being, until he dumps you altogether. It's inevitable, and that is why you're so desperate. You see the writing on the "wall." He has given up on you.
It's time for you to take some time-off from being in a relationship. It's time to let this one go. It isn't working.
You have put so much of yourself into it, that it defines you. You have no idea how to function independently. You are so dependent on him emotionally, you don't know who you are anymore. You keep telling yourself how much you love him, when you mean how much you "depend" on his validation.
This break is what you need. To be forced to be independent, to act your chronological-age, and be a mature woman. Not a clingy teenage-girl. To let go of a guy who is not your match; just someone you're clinging to out of fear of being single, and alone for awhile. You fear the painful withdrawal symptoms you feel when you're separated from him.
My advice is, get used to it. He is going to breakup with you; and you wrote your post, because you know it already.
We will be here to comfort and advise you, if it happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, it isn't always me. It's the both of us. I can't really think right off the top of my head something he's said but when he does it he'll tell me after the fact that he did it to see how I'd react. He told me once that I needed to handle how I react to things. That is definitely true and something I've been working on. That's why he said he's waiting to see what I'm going to do. I know he *wants* to get back together but he's making sure it isn't going to be the same way so how I behave during this time apart will have an impact on us and whether we have a future. The problem I'm having is his lack of communication. We hardly see/talk to each other so it's hard to work on a "relationship" when we're apart. It's kind of hard to explain. It's like we're both waiting on each other and expecting something to happen even though we are having time away. I don't know. It's frustrating.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (21 May 2014):
Ya gotta work on yourself, sweetie. Not wanting to fight is a VERY good,valid reason to split. Ask yourself- IS it always you that starts the arguments? You aren't being very clear about what kinds of things he jokingly says to see whether you'll react badly. What is he saying? He could be being passive aggressive, or you could be seriously overreacting.
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