A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mother-in-law, let’s call her Mildred, is coming for a visit. My husband and she simply do not get along, sad fact. But, right now I need your advice on how to survive her obsession with physical beauty/looks/exercise/food, having in mind that I have 13 pound MORE than the last time she saw me. I don’t think I have a big problem being 5 feet 6 and 130 lb. But I got fat where I never was, a bit on stomach and arms :(My mother died a year ago and I tried to comfort myself by eating. I exercised, as I always do, but it wasn’t enough. My age and chronic hypothyroidism didn’t help. My mother baked great bread. GREAT. I hadn’t eaten bread for a very long time unless it was her bread. When she passed away I started baking bread every single day. My husband took it to work, I gave it our neighbors, my colleagues… and I ate it. A lot. I’ve stopped overeating and added running to my exercise routine. I lost 5 pounds in the past couple of weeks, but I KNOW that she’ll notice and that she’ll find a way to constantly remind me. OK. She’s not a bad person, but she feels that she didn’t amount to much in life and that the only thing she had was her looks. So, whenever somebody gets fat, it makes her feel better. I couldn’t fight it, so in the end I just accepted that it’s a part of who she is. Otherwise she’s been there for me. We stick together.That’s the only problem I have with my husband’s family. They are all obsessed with looks. Before meeting them I had never known what eating disorders were. They’re not bad people, but they can’t stop judging others by how they look. My husband too. The first thing he notices is if someone’s fat or not and then says something like “put me inside that body and I’ll lose weight in a month!”. Our very good friend is obese. She’s wonderful, smart, creative, compassionate… and happens to have that problem. She sat on our new armchair and broke it. It was 10 years ago and my husband still talks about it and is stressed whenever she stays with us (she lives in another town).We’ve talked about it … and talked about it… and talked about it. I hate it because it makes me feel bad. It’s demeaning to others and to him as well. It makes him sound so shallow… But we deal with it. His mother is far worse. She’s in her sixties and still competes with girls! We talked about it with her as well… but nothing works. She claims she never does that and then an hour later she talks about how worried she is for our best man because he has put on so much weight!I feel awful and nervous because I’ll feel so self-conscious with her around. I’ve thought about beating her to the punch and complain how I gained weight… I thought about complaining about my autoimmune disease… I thought about leaving the country…I know that I mind her behavior because I don’t feel good about the way I look now. If I felt better I wouldn’t give a damn… I give a damn because it’s a bit hard right now. I’m still not over my mom’s death; I have a low paying job that I don’t like, my husband is in a similar situation at his work, I’m about to hit 40 (in two years, but its’ near) and… on top of that i can’t fit into my jeans.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ALL for your replies and advice! I haven't had the time to write back since my MIL arrived. And I didn't hae to send her to a motel ;)
Btw, it was not *that time of the month*. It is simply *that time of the life*.
I took some of the advice on how to boost my confidence and it helped A LOT. I know thos ear enot permanent solutions, but it helped me relax.
She's difficult as ever but, given the fact that i eat well and exercise I care less.
Thanx again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): I agree with the last two posts. You are NOT overweight. Period. Yoy may have problems like not being able to wear some of the jeans you like... but you are not overweight.I know that you can't remive your husband's family from your life but you must do it mentally. You mind their behaviour because their obsession found some fertile ground in you. It triggered something that had already existed. FIGHT IT. Hitting 40 can be hard when we are not where we would liketo be. Do not think that all is lost. There is a chinese saying I love... the best moment to plant atree was 20 years ago. The next best moment is NOW. I lost my mother when I was younger and I know that it would have been as hard had I lost her in my mid thirties. But it would have been more natural. Think about all the joy you two had and ride on that feeling. You have grieved. You have tried to fill that void with food. Now is the time to really feed yourself by takung good care of yourself. Some comments state that you shiuld change your job as if it were rhe easiest thing to do. It is HARD and there are no guarantees. But the process of looking for another job will make you feel better. I have been there. Trust me. The moment I really started thinking aboyt my options, zorking on my CV, improving my language skills... I felt stronger and the future seemed brighter if not certain. I think it is agood thing that your MIL is comming. That's an opportunity to be strong. How else could you know that you are if everything is a smooth ride? Btw I loved rhe comment to offer her to take her to a motel if she has priblems with the way you look and live.Now a couple of small advice: - ask your husband to curb his need to comment on other people's looks, eating etc. while his mom is there. - (thus is just a one time only advice ) buy special undrewear that will tighten your thighs and stomach... as I said I do not think it is a good solution but if you are going out and you want ti wear somerhing nice this may boos your confidence. - if it iw not too hot, wear long sleave shirts. - if you eat only raw food veggies and fruit you lose water weight ina few days.stay strong and good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2015):
 Sorry but I can feel your pain... up to a point . And note that I know perfectly what you are talking about, because my own MOM is a beauty-nazi, so you can imagine I haven't been short of occasions to feel under scrutiny.
BUT, this is the typical case of a mini- Stockholm syndrome, where the victim is the accomplice of the tormentor.
If you pay so much attention to your MIL's bullshit , and CHOOSE to let them have so much impact on your life... who's the looks obsessed one, she... or ( a bit ) you too ?!
I mean, we are talking of a weight gain of all of 13 pounds , oh my, really a Zeppelin you must be . NOT.
Mind you, you are right in wanting to correct that for health reasons , and for pleasing yourself if you like yourself better with a slimmer figure . You are also right in watching your eating habits , because 13 pounds may quickly become
26 and then 39 etc.etc. ,until you are morbidly obese, so better preventing then repairing. But, at the state of things now, ... all this drama for 13 extra pounds ?( which you are working to shed off anyway ). Less than 6 kilos ?? Less than one full dress size ?..
Then you are feeding in the same culture your MIL promotes, and believieng in her same skewed values. Only, she's more in your face and SAYS it out loud. While you complain that she and her family are shallow- but deep down preach at the same altar, if you believe that 6 kilos can make such a difference in the life of a person ! Spiritually, intellectually,morally.... and lookswise as well, yessir, I also mean just aesthetically, in terms of being attractive. I.E. - you are not your flab, or lack of the same- you are so much more than your weight- but even if we want to be " shallow " and pragmatical, gee, it's not 6 pounds more or less that will make you an all different looking person and will make you ugly if you are attractive - or viceversa.
So, maybe you have to work a little on yourself and your core beliefs, beside and before working on MIL-caused damage prevention.
As for that, since you can't gag her to make her shut up- I found what works with this people, is to laugh in their face, and make them feel how ridicolous their concerns are in the greater scheme of things. Well, openly laughing in a MIL's face is rude, you've got to be subtler.
I recommend you that you practice raising ONE eyebrow a few millimeters, while keeping a straight, or slightly smiling, face ,and say something absolutely polite and non confrontational, but apt to convey your inner eye-roll : " I always admired you for being so ...detail oriented ? " or " it must be nice to have time to focus about this kind of ,erm, uhm,ah ...priorities ".
Remember : ONE raised eyebrow, mouth corners SLIGHTLY turned upwards, sharpish repartee delivered in a calm ,breezy way . Pretend you are David Niven, lol !
True and tried, it works like a charm :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): Your weight for your height is within the national guidelines for a
Healthy woman. Why are some responders here telling you to 'atop looking for excuses and why are you worrying
This is a huge part of the problem , when others in society tell a woman who does not look like a model or Porn star to lose weight and we start listening
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2015): If women are emotional and unstable ( is it that time of the month? ) it's interesting how this behaviour persist despite recent findings that men undergo at least as many emotional fluctuations as women , yet men's are unpredictable whereas women can track their cycles Also the assumption that the mil has issues because she is aging ( wow can all issues women express be put down to aging , insecurity or that time of the month? )Believe it or not women add while human beings , capable of emotion and reasonFor the OP I honestly think that directly confronting gently any comments and asking what she means by that is best
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): By the way, you'll miss forty with you turn 50!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): Take solace in the fact that your mother-in-law is not moving-in to stay. You are depressed, because your life just isn't what you want it to be. She only reminds you of everything wrong about you. That's more your fault than it is hers. You take everything to heart, and you complain without doing much to change anything.
Every other post we receive is about why people hate themselves; but they all forget that nobody's perfect, and everyone has some insecurity of some kind. Your MIL is getting older by the day; and every-time she sees you still in your 30's, she's reminded she's almost twice your age. So she soothes her own insecurities by dwelling on your imperfections. If you're overweight due to a chronic thyroid condition, what's your beef? Talk to your specialist. Some meds puff you up!
You are in depression and deep anxiety; which may even be a side-effect from the meds you take. Don't take offense. Is it that time of the month? This kind of talk is usually linked to hormones. Not just MIL issues or clinical depression.
Let her come. Toughen-up. Lose weight at your own pace. It's time to update your resume and start looking for a new job. Life is not completely miserable, it's usually your outlook. You don't count your blessings, you put too much value on the opinion of others, and you lack personal motivation and backbone. Get tough! Complaining rarely does much more than make you a miserable and boring person. Focus on the good things sometimes. No one on the planet is 100% happy, 100% of the time. Maybe dead people, because they have no worries!
Here's a few things to bring you joy. Your mother-in-law is getting older and older. As she shrivels, her words will lose their sting. When you don't like your job, you get another one. You rejoice in the fact you're not unemployed.
You're married. You have someone to share your misery, you're not alone. When your husband brings up the flaws of others, remind him of his. If you prefer to remain passive, who's to blame?
Things that happen in our households are often going to come-up again and again. It sounds a little funny. So have a sense of humor! When your friend broke the new chair, I can understand why your husband was upset by it, if you're on a tight budget. She was apparently too heavy for the chair. Get sturdier furniture or lead her to the couch!
People can't refurnish their homes to accommodate
everyone's weight. So those who are obese have to gingerly move about; so not to hurt themselves, or destroy the property of others. That's the reality of life, like it or not. I'm not tiptoeing around to be PC over every little insecurity people have, or we'd be frozen in place! If you can change something, change it. If you can't, learn to live with it. Including what people say and do.
The world is populated, and everyone isn't nice! You have to live and be happy in spite of it! Whining and hating yourself is self-inflicted. You can fightback by just being you and loving it!
If weight is brought-up a lot in your house, ask hubby to stop. If it bothers you, why are you such a big wimp that you don't stop what you don't like? Whose fault is that?
If a visit from your MIL is so terrible, and she and your husband don't get along, why the hell is she coming?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 May 2015):
 Funny thing, I remember 40th as a fantastic year.
Regards your mother in law, if she mentions your weight or appearance ask her "does my fat offend you? I can book you a room at the motel if you would rather not be here"
Or when she starts start talking about the weather instead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): Ok, you have thrown a lot of stuff out there and lets see what sticks, mom's death, low paying job, turning 40.mother in law problems. A lot of people look for a reason to eat and instead of putting on weight because you have problems turn it around and use all those things to get in shape. You need to do a 180 in your current life and start taking care of your self eating right get the exercise you need. This alone will help you look and feel better and your the only one that can do it. That list of issues are normal life and this is a wake up call for you to make some serious changes or you could just lay around eating ice cream and putting on weight. When you decide to get back in shape don't go looking for support it's all on you wake and get busy. As soon as you start this healthy life style all those problems will look very small, stay focused!
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