A
male
age
36-40,
*ogas
writes:I have too many feeling for my friends wife... And I confessed these to her. She said she has similar feelings but she has to focus on her current relationship. Right now she is trying to work on a divorce, and I feel like a little of it is my fault. The guy did mess up pretty bad, and he has treated her terrible from what she has told me. I dont know what to do right now. I am so confused about everything. She says she is leaving him, yet she still sleeps in the same bed. She hasnt moved out, even though she has talked about it. I want to be with her after everything is over, but right now its hard knowing she is still with him. I get pretty jelous but I dont tell her or show her. Should I start trying to find another relationship or should I just hang on for a while and wait untill she is free and have a relationship with her? I also wrote her this long e-mail that I am pasting bellow and was also wondering what anyone thinks about it, or advice to go along? Thanks ahead of time.-----------------------------------------------------This is something that has been really bothering me for a while. I have too many feelings for you and I don't mean to. I makes me feel pretty bad. And then not knowing how you feel about everything exactly makes it worse. I am not asking you to tell me how you feel but if you want then its okay. I cherish your friendship so much that I would hate to loose it in anyway. I want so much to have some sort of relationship with you, but I know that is way out of the picture right now. And I keep thinking that in the future when you get everything worked out with your current relationship that it will be out of the picture. So this brings me to when I sent you that message saying "I am thinking about dating but I cant make up my mind." I cant make up my mind because one part of me(heart) is telling me if I wait until you are free, then I have a chance. But then there is the other part of me(brain) telling me that its a bad idea, that I don't know what is going to come of anything and I shouldn't be taking this chance and end up loosing this friendship we have. I am also telling myself that I need to find someone to keep me from thinking of this so much, some one to keep you off my mind. But then I don't think that will even help... just make me feel bad. Because right now my heart has this desire for you.I wish that I could talk about this with you in person, but when i am around you I am just happy and enjoying my time with you. Even on the phone I love every moment. So all the negative feelings are gone, im just plain happy. And then when I am alone I sorta feel depressed. I get that feeling in my chest and stomach like I want to cry. Its terrible... I also feel like I am making things so much harder on you right now... like you have two people to worry about when you should be focusing everything on you and him. I am so sorry if I am doing that to you, i dont want to be like that in any way. I wish I had someone I could talk to about this besides you so I wouldnt have to take your time like this. But then you are probably the only one that can understand where I am coming from with everything. In my last e-mail i told you that Ruben knows that I like you... I was trying to seek advice on what to do with how I was feeling and I talked to him because he was my closest friend at that time. This was way before anything ever happened between us physically. Every day I wanted you more and more, I dont know if that was lust or if it was me "falling in love". But he told me I shouldnt do anything, that you are married and all its going to do is cause problems. But still, after that the feelings kept growing more and more... and then here I am right now. Full of feelings I dont even understand what they are or where they are coming from. Which is why I told you I think I love you... I want you to know that it just wasnt out of the blue. Its not like I slept with you and I was desperate so I am going to say I love her. Its truly how I feel. This is just so confusing right now, I cant even imagine what is going on inside of you at this moment. I hate that everything has to be like this. Why cant I just make my feelings go away? I just wish it was easier than this. That we could snap our fingers, have things the way we want it and just be happy. But no, we have this thing called a heart, something called feelings, something that makes us care for others... Those three things make us happy, they make us sad, make us cry, and make us love. I believe the last word there is why we cant just make our feelings go away, or just be happy...I am sorry, I feel like I am just rambling on. I wish I could be talking to you right now about this, instead I am just e-mailing it to you. Im sorry if I am bothering you recently, and if I am making everything harder on you. Know that it isnt what I want to do. And I would do anything to make you happy in anyway. And if that means me leaving you alone for a while, then I would do that. I dont want to hurt you in any way and lose your friendship. I hope this all makes since.
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best friend, depressed, divorce, friend's wife, I love you, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007): Be very carefull I went through a similar experience in November 2006 and I still cry every day about it. Trust me you will feel worse if she stops talking to you. Times are hard for her right now and it is possible that she will force herself to try to forget about you. I will like to tell you more. Don't make the same mistake I made.
A
male
reader, togas +, writes (16 June 2007):
togas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank the people that have answered so far. It helps out alot knowing what other people think of the situation. All the answers are great, and I thank you for the support. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT  +, writes (16 June 2007):
 Hi there babes,
You sound like a very caring and loving man, she is working on her divorce right now like you have stated...this must be hard thing to be going through
Okay so she is in the same house with him at the moment this doesn't mean anything is happening does it? Has she got anywhere else to go etc...?
She needs her space and time you have been there for her she knows your there if she needs you and that is really nice and sweet of you...In the mean time you need to focus on yourself get out and about with your friends keep busy, easier said than done I know but if you sit in it will just play on your mind all the time...
Like I said she will let you know if she needs you, you have send her the e-mail the ball is in her cout now babes,
Godd luck hope it all turns out ok for you
Love Donna x
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 June 2007):
 In both your letter to this site and your email to this woman you talk about emotions, feelings and your heart! Not once in the email or your letter do you mention the feelings for her husband, YOUR FRIEND! Where is your "heart" there? Put yourself in your friend's shoes, would you like that done to you?
This has gotten messy because you've actually been physical with her and emotions are running wild. YOU need to take charge here and tell her that you won't be contacting her any more until she sorts out her marriage. Don't throw the onus on her ie "And I would do anything to make you happy in anyway. And if that means me leaving you alone for a while, then I would do that." YOU make the decision and take the lead here. If she really does care for you then she'll take the necessary steps to get out of her marriage.
Let her get herself organised IF she leaves him and don't run straight into her arms. Remember, your friend (her husband) might want some support from you so be very aware of that. Only after sufficient time has elapsed and she knows for sure she won't go back to him, that the marriage is definitely over, would I even begin to think to date her.
Eve
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (16 June 2007):
 You have made it very clear to her how you feel and she has told you she needs to focus on her current relationship.
You have done all you can now i think you now need to back off and let her make her own decision and you need to try and move on with your life, she has told you she feels the same and if she truely does if you start to get on with your life it might just make her realise what she could lose.
You sound like a very caring man but you need to think about yourself as well as her.
Take care.xx.
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