A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I havent been wed very long but me and my hubby both work, we both earn about the same plus I have outgoings and he doesnt. The problem is is that I pay for everything and and its been this way all the time. before I met him I had savings. I could afford clothes and perfume and my hair done and pay for beauty treatments and I had a better car. Now he just saves his money or sendd it abroad. He said he is going to get me a van with the money he is saving in a few weeks so I can change my job.but I could have done that myself along time ago if I had not been paying for everything. I feel like im working so he can save up and I get more income than him. If he doesnt get me a van in the nect few weeks like he promised then should I just leave as I think itd totally unfair that someone live a free life like that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): I would consider leaving. When you are married, you are supposed to behave as a single cooperative unit. He is not doing this, he is making unilateral decisions about one pot of money (the money that is "his") as well as helping himself to another pot of money (the one that is "yours"). You've been treating him as if you are in this marriage together - by paying for joint expenses. But he is not doing the same. And obviously he is either not consulting you about what goes on with the money he has, or he is lying to you about it. He is the one who is out of line. Therefore if he doesn't change I would consider this as grounds to leave him because he's the one behaving as if he is not part of a marriage.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2012):
 AAahhhh, money problems.....
If you and he make equal amounts, then each should contribute to the household, in proportion.....
IF you have a few bucks left over from before you were wed, then it's YOUR's.... and use it as you wish....
Frankly, your submittal "tells" me that this guy hasn't "bought in" to what is marriage.... and you are on your own to make sure that YOU keep YOUR earnings away from HIM... who seems to think that HIS earnings are HIS....
.... and, while you're at it, start planning an exit strategy.... because this "marriage" that you described is probably a short-lived affair....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 March 2012):
 I don't understand how he can think it's fair that you pay all the bills.
Personally in my relationships it's always been what's mine is yours and what's your is mine. We have both paychecks go to our joint account and we pay the bills out of the joint account. ALL expenses (my hair, my nails, my clothes and make up) are budgeted for in OUR joint budget.... there's none of this his money/my money... granted it makes it hard to surprise each other with gifts as we both monitor the accounts.... but that's part of being in a marriage.
IF your husband does not believe that he should be contributing all his income to your home then you need to consider what options you have....
but yeah if you guys are making about the same (or even if you are not) then you need to both be pulling the weight of the financial burden....
if he is not and he will not, I'd consider leaving... something is not right there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): Why does he send it abroad,does it go to his family?
You definately cannot carry on as it is,why should you keep him - we work for our treats as well.
Tell him you need 50/50 for the outgoings,then just get your hair done,some new clothes or whatever,tell him your not prepared to pay the full amount anymore as you want to be able to live a little and thats how its going to be.
If he refuses, end it,your not a charity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): There must be more going on for you to totally mistrust your Husband.
I do find it odd that he uses you to pay the bills while he saves money. That is extremely odd behaviour and reveals his character, which is unattractive.
Still, I would head to couples counselling to come up with OUR HOME RULES on Love, Money, Spending, ect.
If there is no change and he fails to make good on his promise to you- sure, why be married to a selfish, lying jerk?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Instead of leaving why don't you make a suggestion to him that you split everything 50/50.
He needs to be paying half the rent/food/utilities/house repairs and car maintenence costs.
If you have outstanding financial commitments you should handle those alone but anything to do with the house and home where, I assume, you both live, sleep wash and eat, he should be paying his fair share.
He shouldn't be saving, and making promises to buy you a car, it all sounds a little manipulative and controlling.
You need to make a stand because this is a problem that isn't going to go away and you will just end up hating and resenting him.
If he refuses to go the 50/50 route then I would consider calling it a day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): First, let me ask u :who is he sending his money to? Did you discussed him doing it before your marriage?Yes, it is unfair to you to pay all the bills, even if he has family abroad that in desperate need of his money that should be decided by both of you on how much money he can send. Marriages are differently arranged nowadays. But what all of them have or should have in common is fairness. To be fair to each other you need to be open and honest with each other. That's the only way it would work.You both work, you both are in a close proximity to each other with your incomes. It would be only fair if you equally contribute to household, or the old way way when a husband pays the major bills, and wife takes care of little things and family savings.Him getting you a car should be decided by both of you. It should t come as a surprise to you or keeping you wondering wether he ll do or not. That's a big financial step, and it shouldnt be hanging in the air like it is now.There is obviously something off in your marriage. Something that doesn't go the right way. See,s like your husband keeping secrets, gettin his free ride and ok with you paying his bills. That's not right. Its a big decision to break a family, so I don't know if a car can be the reason for it. But i think a long conversation is long overdue. Good luck
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