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I have a poor relationship with her. How do I deal with the fact that my mother is the 'other woman'?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 September 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 4 September 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I would start by saying I cannot bring myself to forgive the woman I have called mother for years. I often asked her why she was never married to the abusive man I called father for years, she always tossed my questions to the side. With further questioning like a detective, she finally cracked. She was his girl(he was rich and had position) knowing fully well he had 5 children from 3 different women 3 of whom are siblings and we're living with him at the time. I asked her that didn't she care how the children felt. She never responded. She got pregnant for him, he told her to abort it, she didn't and kept it(had my older brother). Then had I and my sister later. Need I mention she got pregnant for him to tie him down. Fast foward to today, I have been fending for myself since I was 9. My mum is the most useless...I often wonder why she's alive and people who have jobs die. When I found out other things of how she prostituted herself in her younger days, I couldn't control my anger and I often use it to insult her. How do I deal with the fact that my mother is the other woman? I detest her so much

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 September 2015):

Honeypie agony auntNot to look for excuses for your mother, but was she either very young when she had kids? or was she abused (sexually or otherwise) as a kid/teen?

It might explain (at least) why she have used her body to try and get what she wants.

What I would advice is for YOU to get a job ASAP. Then once you have a stable income - move out. If your sister is able to help, let HER move in but not your mom. IT IS NOT your responsibility to take care of your mom.

I can't even begin to imagine the childhood you had. And I'm sorry you went through that. Instead of spending time being angry at your mom FOCUS on your life, your future. YOU can't change or fix your mom. You can't change the past.

Only thing you have ANY kind of control over is you.

Don't let he drag you down any more.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2015):

Your down on yourself and your down on your mom,probably because your electricity bill hasnt been paid. Practicalities first you and sis need to pay the bill as mom is clearly not up to this..then you need to remember to never trust your mom financially again. I once paid the electricity bill for some perfectly capable adults in a shared house.They just cleared off and left me to deal with it.Only one other person chipped in their share and interestingly enough that was some one the other two had categorised as flighty so it just goes to show that you cant believe two thirds of the things youre told.I was very angry, largely because i was so broke that i could scarcely move forwards or backwards and they had vanished off on expensive holidays and future life.Not to mention that they once ate my entire cupboard of food when i was away once but i put my foot down over that and made them repay me and drive me back with the replacement just to let you knoew ,certain people take advantage of others sithout giving it much thought, but these are generally people you disconnect with so that they dont do it twice.As your mum is a family member i think you should try to get counselling to talk over your early days and how you feel she has never been there for you.I dont think you should look down on yourself for you mum being the other woman because it takes two to tango and your dad clearly had some time for her,but perhaps he is a bit manipulative because he has managed to push the blame onto your mum because he says he suggested to her she have an abortion.It was his way of him detaching from his responsibilty to your mum, and i should imagine she got mercilessly played by him because she didnt just drag him in of the streets and rape him to make, there would have been quite a bit of courtship going on.I expect that you dad feels that he can badmouth your mother as much as he likes because he paid her way for her and your family, which he should have done anyway.I think it would work better for your mum if you could help her get her own place because she is somewhere between a rock and a hard place. I doubt she was a prostitute.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (3 September 2015):

Ivyblue agony auntI understand your position on this.

Maybe life for you would have been different if she had make different choices. Better opportunities, securities, lifestyle or relationships etc. An abusive relationship with a man that only has the title of father and lacks the ability to be one is always hard for a child growing up and even harder to understand as a young adolescent growing up.

Up until now you have been kept in the dark which only adds frustrated fuel to your curiosity. Her story is why she has kept it under wraps. Out of shame, pain or whatever she has now told you and you have probably responded in the way it is why she has not been so forthright.

By no means am i making excuses for your mum's choice of person to father her children but your mum sounds as though she was an is a disconnected and vulnerable lost soul. The very fact that this guy has several children to 3 different women suggest that he is a professional bullshit artist in order to get his needs satisfied and master manipulator of false promises of love and future partnership-until he tires and moves on to his next victim. Classic traits of the married cheater.

Falling for such crap classic traits of someone desperate for love.

She made the mistake of getting pregnant but did right by you by deciding to keep you.

Should she have done better by you... probably yes but I wonder did she have the resources such as knowledge,skill and support to to so? Could explain her position in raising you.

It must be very painful to hear that she prostituted herself and i think it is very sad to think that this what she did in order to support in the best way she could at that particular time. it is very hard job raising 3 kids on your own and if she was on welfare even harder and finding work whilst juggling 3 kids is not always something employers are supportive of.

I'm not sure how you deal with it other than getting her onboard for some open and honest conversations. You are very angry and understandably so but that is just a result of surface information so getting the answer might help you to heal or at least make better sense of things.

Not something you should try on your own rather engage the help from a therapist.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Point of correction, she never raised me or spent a dime on me. It was the abusive man I called father who provided for my upkeep and instead of using the money for us, she spent it on clothes and jewelry. I remember as an 8 year old child, I was very hungry(we were given monthly allowance by this abusive dad) and then when my mum came back I told her mummy am hungry. If you see the way she shouted at me. I slept and cried that night. She's a self centred, egostitical, so many other things she has done. Ok I moved out of that abusive dad's house and paid part of the rent, moved in with her and furnished the house. She owns nothing in the house. The agreement was I and my sis pay everyother bill in the house including food and she's to pay for the light bill. For over 4 months she did not pay. Now we've been disconnected. I am so angry. I would have moved out and left her in an empty apartment if not that I am unemployed and can't afford it. She believes everymoney we have is hers. She asks us for money on a daily basis. I hate her more than the devil. Now she's waiting for us to pay the light bill which I won't pay. I am so ready for her. She dosent care about anybody. She's the only one that needs help. And she eats too much.

No one can truly understand. I can't really go into details. Ps she's not, will not and can never be a mother. That she has failed at.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015):

Wow wow!!

First of all she is your mother!

You know the women who gave birth to you, cared for you + brought you up.

Ok I understand that what your Mother did in her past was wrong, but if she listened to your Dad and aborted that baby, you wouldn't have been here!

You know parents are human too, they were young and made mistakes.

Remember your mother stayed and looked after you.

She wasn't committed to anyone else, your Dad was. She had you and raised you herself but you call her workshy?

As a single mother myself I can tell you there is no harder job in the world than raising kids but at the same time rewarding. 24.7 with no time out, no sick days ect!

Brings me to the other point calling your mother names? Yes she made some bad life choices ever asked her what brought her to that, where her life was at the time? Remembered the fact your Mums human and makes mistakes.

None of that would come close to his much you hating her will be crushing her.

Sorry I know this is a lot to learn about her, but try and remember that's the women who gave birth to you, and raised you. On her own!

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