A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 22 years old. I have been in a relationship with my man for five years on and off. We have a very rocky kind of relationship but we also have alot of happy times too. He works all the time, i never see him. We live together and have a four year old son. Me and my partner are going through a bad patch at the moment and he ain't very nice to me such as name calling and making me feel small. Recently i have started talking to another man, he added me on Facebook. I have seen this man about for years, and i have always felt a little weak when i look at him. So he added me on Facebook,we chatted for a few weeks. So we then exchanged numbers and started texting each other, then he called me alot. He said he wants to take me on a date and that he really likes me. Only problem is he has a long term girlfriend and i have a long term boyfriend. So i decided to cut all contact off with him such as removing him off Facebook and deleting his number, even though nothing at all happened between us and the chats were innocent, i felt bad on his girlfriend so that's why i cut contact with him. However i just cant get him off my mind, i have even avoided going places he goes because i just don't want to bump into him. Was i right to cut off contact with him? And why do i get feelings when i look at him? Should i be feeling this way? I have a partner and a lovely child, i am a great mum but i feel so guilty for even talking to this man in the first place. Am i a bad person? Advice please
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female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (18 June 2014):
You are not a bad person. I think you are a good person who is trying to stick at a bad relationship possibly for the sake of your child. It will be hard but you need to address whether your current relationship is truly meeting your needs or whether you would be better off parting. I hope things work out and wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 You are not a bad person , but you are naive , or you pretend to be.
The chats aren't " innocent " if they lead to tryng ad set up dates behind your partners'backs, are they ? That they were not containing sexual exchanges , does not mean they were " innocent ", i.e. just friendly and companionable. The guy asked you out on a date, and you are both ( at least officially ) committed ! Of course you did well to cut contacts, both on principle ( when in a committed relationship, you should never do ANYTHING that you have to keep secret to your partner ) and in practice : you are now in need of male attention and emotional gratification and this makes you very vulnerable to temptations.
Why did you feel like this toward that guy... it's not the guy, if it had not been him, it would have been another, a coworker, the milkman, the postman. You are going through a rough patch in your relationship, your emotional needs are unfulfilled, you want affection and appreciation, and you get instead lots of loneliness , and name calling too. You feel you need to fill a void, and to get what your partner is not giving you anymore , and this makes you projects your needs on the outside ( the other guy ).
I have no idea, based on what you say, if your situation at home is repairable, but it sounds like the relationship is not functioning very well. It's up to you to decide if you can and want to work on it with your partner and fix it , or if you are whipping a dead horse. Personally I don't put much stock on things that start- or last - " on and off ", I think " on and off " means " doomed ", but hey that's just me. Do some soul searching, find out what you REALLY want ( THIS man ? or just "A "man beside you ? ) and what is realistically feasible ( couple counseling ? a romantic vacation to rekindle the spark ? a new job with different hours ?.... ) ,then act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 First of all, I don't think that you are a bad person, not at all - you recognised the significance in these chats you were having with this man and called them off and that is a very big and brave thing to do for everyone involved.
You really need to look at why you felt the need to talk to him so much an what exactly is going on in your relationship that ultimately needs to change for you to get back to a place where you don't want to look at or see other people or feel that you are missing out.
This, to me, seems like a classic case of "the grass is greener on the other side" and, with things not being all roses at home right now, it was a bit of a dream to think about hopping that fence to pastures new.
We all think about the what-if's sometimes, and that is OK! It is OK to see someone else and find them attractive and it is OK to have feelings but when you act on them and follow them and get ahead of yourself and start to form connections and bonds with these people then it is a slippery slope!
I would honestly take the time out to get your partner to sit down and talk for a while about how you are feeling in the relationship and see if you can change some of the way things are around you that are making you feel that where you are is not enough.
Never let a man, or anyone for that matter, make you feel like less of a person or stay in a relationship for the sake of children - if the relationship is that bad that you no longer want to be there, then you need to move on first before picking up conversations with other people, next time.
Talk it out with your man, let him know how you're feeling and see where it goes from there!
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