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I have a boyfriend but had a one night stand. Pregnant and not sure who the father is

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Pregnancy, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 March 2019) 12 Answers - (Newest, 10 March 2019)
A female Canada age 18-21, *Mistake writes:

I habe been dating my bf for almost 6 months now. He is a great guy and i really like hin. But i made a huge mistake. I have been talking to a guy I met in an online chat room for almost a year now, 2 months ago he flew to my home town and we spent the weekend together. During that time we had unprotected sex. I just found out that I'm pregnant. The only problem is now I'm not sure who the father is and I have no idea how to tell my dad. My dad and I are very close and he will be disappointed that I'm pregnant to begin with let alone telling him I'm not sure who the father is. Any advice on how to tell him and these two guys would be greatly appreciated.

View related questions: chat room, one night stand, unprotected sex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2019):

I would get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption.After that get to the doctor and get birth control and get tested for std. You also sound a lot younger than your post reads.Tell your dad.He loves you and will be on your side in whatever you decide.You hardly know these two maybe baby daddys.Do not think they will swoop you off your feet and marry you.If one does chances are slim working out since you really do not know each other.Even six months is only like a second in dating.Next time do not give yourself up for sex that easy.Really take your time to get to know the person.If he can not wait he is not the one.remember this every time you have sex without a condom you risk getting hiv. This will kill you slow and very painful.Is sex worth your life? Use a condom and if the guy does not like it no sex.This is why I think you are young by eighteen you should know all of this.Go to your doc get educated about sex and your pregnancy.Denver if you have sex now you could pass any std on to your baby.Go to the doctor talk to your family and do what you gotta do time to grow up.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019):

I suppose this is an unpopular view now, but I'd get an abortion. It's safe and legal and you're young.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (6 March 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntSo, your immaturity is showing. You keep using condoms until you’re ready to be a parent. You also cheated on a new boyfriend.

Steps:

- You break up with your current boyfriend, as it’s not fair to expect him to stay when you slept with someone else.

- You tell your dad “I was stupid and I’m now pregnant. I know it was a bad decision, but I hope you can eventually forgive me and help me through this because I’m not sure who the dad is”. Your dad will need to see you owning up to your mistakes or it shows you haven’t learnt anything.

- You tell your boyfriend “hey, I’m pregnant and I’m not sure if you’re the father because I slept with another guy. You and I made the stupid decision to have unprotected sex, but I also made the stupid decision to sleep with someone else - which I’m sorry for. We’ll do a DNA test once the baby is born, so we know if you’re their dad”. Again, you need to learn from this and SHOW that you’ve learnt from it.

- Go to prenatal appointments and parenting classes, if you’re going to keep the baby; time to grow up and take responsibility. You will be okay if you start preparing now, whether abortion, adoption or raising the baby is what you want to do. Either way, you need to move quickly in telling people, especially your dad.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (6 March 2019):

mystiquek agony auntYour father might be disappointed in your actions but he loves you and I'm sure he just wants the best for you. It is a shock for a parent when their child announces that they are having a baby if it wasn't planned or under the best circumstances but most parents will rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done for both the child and the unborn baby.

My parents were shocked when I told them I was pregnant at 19, but they soon got over it and by the time that baby was born my parents were soooo very excited. My daughter was spoiled rotten from the moment she was born! She was doted on by both set of parents.

Give your dad some credit ok? He'll be alright and want what is best for you. As a parent I can tell you that all I want is for my children to be happy and if I can help them in any way I would/will. I'm pretty sure your dad is the same.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (6 March 2019):

Disappointment is a temporary state of mind. He's your father.

All he wants is what's best for you; and expects you to be a responsible adult.

He has done things that upset his parents; but he expected them to forgive out of love. He has a right to feel disappointed and upset when he had higher hopes for you; and tried to guide and protect you. Now face the music.

It is what it is! Tell him and deal with it like an adult. You had choices, you let two guys talk you into not using protection. It's too late to worry about dad's disappointment.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019):

No need for anyone to be chastising you or asking you why you didn’t do this or that . What’s done is done and you are now dealing with the consequences , other people’s judgemental attitudes don’t help one bit and only help to further depress you and make you feel even less empowered

Believe me I know because I’ve been a young unmarried mother and I’m now a fifty year old married mother of four beautiful well adjusted children

If I know anything , I know this . You need more than anything to surround yourself with SUPPORTIVE people right now and gather every bit of inner strength you have for both yourself and your child .

If there is a family planning centre nearby contact them and ask them if they can recommend a good ante natal care for a young mother . Reach out to services that are available to help those in similar situations and other women who are in the same boat and yes talk to your family

Let both the men involved know and once Bub comes along the paternity will be known . Right now your priority is your health, physical mental and emotional and the healthy of your baby.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (5 March 2019):

mystiquek agony auntFirst of all, hugs to you. I have been in a situation similar to yours years ago and I know how confusing and frightening it can be to be pregnant when you are very young. I was 19 and got pregnant by my also 19 year old boyfriend. He wanted to get married, I didn't and the pregnancy wasn't planned.

Take a deep breath and realize that as scary as this all is, things will work out. You must first of all decide how do you feel about a baby? Do you want one? Do you want the responsibility? IF not, consider your options. Go to a clinic or family doctor and talk to someone that can you solid information. Get tested to make sure you didn't get an STD.

Next, if you aren't super close to any females that you can talk to and trust then go to your father. I only say go to a close female first because lets face it..dads don't understand what its like to be pregnant and he's probably going to be rather freaked out that his little girl is now going to be a mom. (Nothing against your dad..maybe he's really cool and it won't be a big deal to him).

Tell your dad. Just sit him and down and say "Dad,I have something I have to tell you, its going to be hard to do and maybe hard for you to hear but I need to tell you and I hope you can understand and support whatever I do".

You say you are close so I'm assuming although he may be shocked he will get over and be there for you.

Tell the boyfriend. This to me will be the hardest part because you are going to have to come clean to him. You have to tell him that there is someone else that could be involved. He may get very angry, be hurt, he may break up with you. I don't know. Its what you have to face sweetie.

Hopefully he will consent to DNA testing. And then you are going to have to tell the other guy involved. He could be difficult. It needs to be done.

Above all take care of yourself. Its going to be a rough couple of months, but you can do this. Its what being an adult is about and yes, you are being thrown in sooner than some others but you can do this. I promise.

Just a little history for you...I got married, had my daughter. Divorced 2 years later because my ex was physically abusive. My daughter thrived, she is now a doctor. We were fine, and you be too. Be well sweetie and let us know how you are ok? I wish you all the best.

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A female reader, AMistake Canada +, writes (5 March 2019):

AMistake is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I was on the pill when I got pregnant. By bf and I recently stopped using condoms and the guy I met online asked not to use them because he "liked" it better with out one.

I did tell the online guy this afternoon, he kind of acted like I accepted, he said there was still a chance it wasn't his.

My dad is the one I'm worried most about. I don't want to disappoint him.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 March 2019):

Typo correction:

"Just come right-out and tell everyone."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 March 2019):

It's only a matter of time before you show, and it's so very important that you receive prenatal medical-care. Please be sure you see an obstetrician; and get a medical-examination for the sake of your own health, and that of the baby.

If you do plan to carry full-term; please take care of yourself. I might also suggest that you also get a full battery of tests for STD's; to make sure you weren't infected from the unprotected-sex, that could have silent-symptoms for years before you're aware of an STD infection.

Now I'll inhale after all that said; let's address your situation.

It will upset and surprise your father; but simply tell him and let the chips fall where they may. It is what it is, and dad is an adult. He'll simply have to deal with it. As will you and whomever the father is.

If the other guy flew-in to have sex; getting him to comeback for a paternity test might be somewhat of a task.

Let's hope he's the responsible type. With or without him, you'll determine who the father is; which can be narrowed down between your boyfriend and the other guy. Hoping it's only between the two of them.

In any case, things will workout. You'll be fine. Your dad will be fine; and you'll determine who the father is. Just come right-out an tell everyone. The sooner you get down to the facts and get everyone informed; the less stress you have to carry on your shoulders.

Sweetheart, don't face this alone.

Best of wishes to you, my dear.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019):

Hi!

To start with, did you have unprotected sex with both of the guys? If yes, then tell your Dad and your boyfriend. No need to mention your "cheating" to anybody, cause I'm sure that a random chat room guy won't be considerate enough to take your responsibility, and niether will be your dad not your boyfriend would be happy regarding the situation.

You will definitely get to know who the father is once the time of conceiving is handed out to you by your gynaecologist. So, my advice is filter out information and do the necessary actions.

But if you indeed want to come clean regarding the entire mess, tell the three of them. If your boyfriend is a nice guy, why would you deceive him in the first place?! And yes, you might have to own up all your actions and take responsibility for whatever happens next.

Best wishes!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntWell, the pregnancy isn't going to go away or be something you should hide.

YOU chose to have unprotected sex with TWO guys. Own you actions.

The sooner you tell your Dad, your BF AND your "fling", the sooner you can focus on having a healthy pregnancy.

I'd start by talking to your Dad. After all I PRESUME he is the one who is financially responsible for you healthcare, taking you to the doctor and in the end... responsible for you.

After that? Tell your BF. He deserves to know that 1. you are pregnant, 2. that he MIGHT be the father and 3. that you cheated.

I'd guess it won't be too hard telling your fling after you have had to deal with BOTH your Dad and your BF.

Why on Earth didn't you use both control AND condoms?

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