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I hate the thought of him with someone else and I am angry with him for lying to me.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 October 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 4 November 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, *liserpotter writes:

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years about three months ago, mainly because our sex life had declined and I had started liking someone else. Since then nothing has happened between me and the other guy, and I have been seeing a lot of my ex boyfriend. We have agreed that we still love each other and we still get on so well. We have even discussed going on holiday together.

Last night I slept with him but when I woke up I noticed blood on his sheets that wasn't mine. He confessed that he had slept with someone else. I was absolutely disgusted and upset and ran home crying. I had asked him before we had sex whether he had slept with anyone since me and he had said no. A couple of hours later he turned up at mine, apologising and seeming visibly upset about my reaction. I told him we had to stop seeing each other for a while and I didn't get angry with him, although I now realise I should have.

Since he left I have been feeling so depressed. I haven't left my bed and I've been crying all day. I just cannot believe he has been with someone else. I didn't ask him anything about this girl, so I have no idea if he is seeing her or not, although I suspect he is judging by messages from her on his Facebook wall.I feel so disgusted and hurt. He told me he still loved me and wanted to see me all the time and that no one compared to me, but he has been able to have sex with someone else, which makes me feel so sick.

Am I right to be feeling like this? I hate the thought of him with someone else and I am angry with him for lying to me. I'm also scared that he will carry on with this girl and stop loving me, which makes me feel so lonely. I know we have to stop seeing each other, but how can he have found someone so quickly when I couldn't conceive of getting in any way serious or physically close to another man yet?

Please help - I am hurting so much...

View related questions: broke up, conceive, depressed, facebook, my ex, on holiday, sex life

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A female reader, aliserpotter United States +, writes (4 November 2010):

aliserpotter is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I emailed him last week to tell him how I feel about what happened and how upset I am that it had to end like this. I also asked him how serious it was with this girl, and how he had met her/how long they had been seeing each other etc.

It took him almost a week to reply, but when he did he sent me quite a good letter that he had obviously spent some time on and the overall impression it left me was that he is really cut up about hurting me. It said it was making him feel empty inside and he wanted to take life coaching classes to try and 'better' himself.

He also said that he had never cheated on me, and had only properly met this girl after we'd broken up. They have been for a meal together and he's been to a party with her and they've been for drinks together a few times. He says it's not serious and they've only seen each other once in the last month. But he must have slept with her quite recently as her blood stain was on his sheets 10 days ago.

I still can't get it out of my mind. I hate the fact that he was able to do these things with someone else two weeks after we broke up. How could he be trying to replace me after two weeks?! We had been together for 3 years and were best best friends and he was able to find someone else that quickly...

I've never been so scared of losing him. When we broke up I initially felt quite relieved because things hadn't been good between us for a while, I think because things had got a bit stale and we needed a break. I regret breaking up with him. I think it would have made more sense to go on a break from each other for a few weeks instead. But now I realise what I've lost and I feel terrible. I really think I want him back.

We both agree that we love each other's company, and that has been the problem since we broke up. We can't stop hanging out with each other and we love being with each other.

I guess now that I realise he's gone I desperately want him back. We had a really great relationship, but there were things we could have worked at. But I worry that he wouldn't want me back now, or that if we got back together he might still want to see this girl. Also, knowing that he's been with someone else still makes me feel sick and I don't know if I could handle being with him now that he's been 'tainted' in this way. I am also so angry for what he has put me through. For weeks his behaviour towards me has encouraged me to believe he wanted to get back with me and I honestly thought we would get back together. And then I find out he's being seeing someone else the whole time and not told me. I feel so betrayed. But I still love him. And I think he cares about me still too.

I am so confused. What's the right thing to do? I don't want to lose him to someone else but I am also angry with him and think, as hard as it will be, I will have to sever ties with him. Thought of him with someone else is driving me mad.

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A female reader, aliserpotter United States +, writes (31 October 2010):

aliserpotter is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I guess he probably does still care for me. But I feel so angry at being lied to.

And I can't get the thought of him with her out of my head. I know it's such a poisonous way of thinking, but I can't help thinking they're together right now, in bed on a Sunday morning. And I can't help thinking he either hasn't told her about me or is telling her something horrible about me. He used to tell me his ex girlfriend was 'mental' and he hated her. What if he's saying that to her about me!

I hate it so much that he could be with her right now - it's driving me insane. I hate him.

How can I stop thinking these thoughts? It is making me hurt so much.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010):

It could be because he got with that girl that he realized you were the one for him. But I know guys will sleep around after a breakup often to patch up their sorrow. I still think he cares for you very much.

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A female reader, aliserpotter United States +, writes (24 October 2010):

aliserpotter is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I wasn't seeing anyone else when I broke up with him, I just liked someone else. I knew nothing would ever happen with this person, but I viewed it as a sign that all was not well with my boyfriend. The fact that I was capable of liking someone else meant I wasn't as committed to my boyfriend as I should be.

From what he's said, he isn't over me at all. But why is he sleeping with someone else already? Maybe boys are different, but there is no way I could start seeing and sleeping with another person if I was still in love with my ex.

I guess I'm just so upset that he has been so physically close with someone. It makes me feel so sick. If I knew he was totally over me it might be easier to deal with. But he cried yesterday when he told me how he would never get over me and no one was as good as me. Do you think he realised this as a result of getting with this other girl?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010):

I think if you broke up with him and you were seeing someone else. Then obviously alot of guys would go sleep with someone else. I did. And the thing is, It didn't work. All I could think about was my ex afterwards.

If he has feelings for you and was with you for 3 years, ofcourse he is going to have feelings for you. I think he cares for you very much.

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