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I had sex with my husband's best friend - it was his idea - will I find a need for more men?

Tagged as: Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 November 2007) 16 Answers - (Newest, 11 March 2013)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

A family friend, who was widowed about ten months ago, visits us about once a month when he comes to the city on business. After dinner last month, he expressed to my husband how difficult it was to meet a woman and how frustrating it was to have gone so long without sex. He is not the type of man that turns on most women: shy, kind, gentle, average looking.

He has been my husband's closest friend for 35 years. They are like brothers. When we went to bed that night, my husband asked me if i could find it possible to have sex with his friend. My husband is not a jealous man and i knew he would not be angry with me if i said yes. The idea appealed to me, i must admit. I went to our friend's bedroom and told him what my husband wanted me to do. It was a little awkward at first, but we had sex and i went back to our bedroom. My husband asked me if everything was alright and i said it was. And it really was alright, i felt pretty good.

Our friend is coming back to the city in a week and i am anxious to sleep with him again. My husband has not said anything about doing it again. Should i assume i have his ok, should i ask him about again? I have been thinking about this for the last month. I don't feel bad about what i did last month and i hope to do it again. My husband has not acted funny about it nor begged me to do it again. He has been so matter of fact about it. Also, if i start having more extramarital sex will it grow into other forms of sexual behavior. Will i feel a need for more men; will i want to get into multiple partners?

I have never really fantasized about other men or multiple partners. Can i be happy with just making our friend happy when he comes to the city (uh, no pun meant there}. I don't want to become a grossly indecent woman, but i really like being able to satisfy our friend. I go to church regularly, my husband is an elder and i teach Sunday school. I know my pastor would say i am sinning and need to absolve my sins, but i don't feel that way at all.

View related questions: best friend, jealous, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013):

My husband and I are quite young and I am a little more experienced than he is. At his work, there are two older men who lost their wives to cancer. These were slow illnesses and devastating to both men.

Often one or the other would come to our home for dinner. I could see they were lost. They were like ships without moorings. I began to feel such sympathy for them. Most nights when one or the other dined with us, they would sleep over in our guest room.

On one such night, my husband and I retired to our room and were talking. I was in my husband's arms when he told me he was worried for out friend. "He needs to get back up on the horse," he said. I really did not understand, but said I would try to find a single friend of mine and we could introduce them, but these men are both quite senior to our social circle and I was at a loss.

My husband asked me if I had any feelings for the men and of course I replied affirmatively. They were both kind and thoughtful. They always brought a suitable gift when dining and felt they were imposing on us, but we both wanted them to feel they had people who loved and cherished them.

My husband pressed on and inquired if I would not consent to "take care of their needs." I explained how I had spoken to a number of my friends, I had so hoped one might agree to at least have dinner, or perhaps know of a widow who might be a suitable match, but as yet, none of my friends had agreed. I asked my husband if he had a better idea.

I must tell you, I was most shocked when my darling husband suggested I might take care of their needs myself. At first, I thought he was joking or I had misunderstood him. I was unaware, he had learned of my relations which were truthfully most sordid, and happened during my time as an exchange student in America. But he revealed that not only was he aware, but had secretly visited America and spied upon me.

When I tell you my relations were of a sordid nature, I mean to say I became involved sexually with a group of five men who used me as a sex slave. I had come under the spell of a college man and submitted to him out of a schoolgirl crush. At a party we attended, he made me dress in a rather short dress and I was forbidden to wear undergarments. I was taken by my boyfriend into the garden, where he bound me and placed a blindfold over my eyes. I did find it most exciting. I could hear the party nearby and the thought we might be seen by others seemed so forbidden.

What I did not know was my boyfriend had planned for four of his friends to join us. They used me most willfully while I was in this helpless state. I know I should have broken off my relationship with him, but his forceful nature was most compelling and I submitted to him and more of his friends over the coming months.

When I returned to England and my darling, who is now my husband, I decided it was just a dalliance and it was best to forget it ever happened. My darling had been such a polite young man, but on my returned he told me he had missed me dearly and could never bear to be parted from me again. Within a few short months, we were engaged to be married and I thought my past was behind me and my life as a dutiful and obedient housewife lay before me.

My husband's family was able to secure him an excellent post at an old and respected bank. We were given a small cottage near the edge of Cambridge, and there I set out to make our life. My husband requested I used contraceptive pills that me might have at least a portion of our youth to get to know one another before we started our planned family. I of course agreed, for it was his wish and I wanted to serve and obey my husband most dutifully.

When he told me now that he had come to America and seen me submit to these groups of my lover's friends, I burst into tears and profusely apologised to him. My darling told me there was nothing to forgive, that he loved me dearly and never regretted marry me. He also confessed he felt a deep excitement when he remembered my most eager submission to those men. He even confessed to fantasies of me submitting to others again.

As he spoke, I noticed he had become aroused, and embracing me most fervently begged me to help our friend. We talked of his feelings and of my past. He described in quite shocking detail a few of the encounters he had witnessed. I must tell you I felt quite bewildered, because as he spoke, I myself, became substantially aroused. I asked if he was sure and spoke of my fears, but he told me he loved me and my gift to these men would be a noble act of a good and caring woman.

Finally, I agreed, but on the condition he swear a solemn oath.

He had me remove all my garments and go to our guest room. I did not knock, as would be customary, but merely let myself in and joined our friend in his bed.

The older man was shocked, to say the very least and told me I should return to my husband. I explained how I had looked amoung my friends and it was, in fact, my husband who had requested I give myself to him.

During this time, my nude body was close to him. Certainly, my aroused scent and the warmth of me caused him to began to respond to me. It felt deliciously forbidden to be in the arms of a man other than my husband. I said some very naughty things, as I undressed him. I was quite alarmed to learn he is most generously endowed. When he entered me, I felt more full than I have ever felt before.

I did try to be quite, for I did not wish to cause my husband any pain, or to have him think I was an eager adulteress, but I failed. The man reached a climax quite quickly, but he continued to make love to me and proved to be most thoughtful and skilled in his endeavors. After his second climax and a number of my own, he held me in his arms, kissed me most tenderly and wept. He told me he was grateful and prayed nothing untoward would come of this. As he wept, I felt my heart open to him, for he was not just a magnificent lover, but one with an enormous heart.

There was no delicate way to extricate myself from his arms, and some thirty minutes later, he began to kiss me most tenderly, but was also clearly aroused and in need of me. I do not know how long our second coupling was, but again I found myself swept up and responded to him most ardently.

Later, when he slept, I returned to my husband, who to my surprise was still awake and eagerly embraced me. I attempted to apologise for my behavior, but my husband told me he was overjoyed to hear my cries of pleasure and to know that his request of me was not a burden. His own lovemaking seemed more forceful and passionate than usual. He caressed me and kissed me over and over, telling me he was pleased. I was quite aghast when he kissed down my body, as I had no used any barrier and was quite full our dear friend's quite abundant ejaculant, but if I thought this would dissuade my husband, I was wrong.

After, as he entered me, I could taste our friend mingled with my own scent in my husband's kiss. It was most arousing to taste and feel my husband’s ardent passion of me, to know he still found me desirable.

Since this time, both men have been invited to our home any number of times. I am always happy to be my husband’s gift and feel their grateful love for me. One very memorable night, my husband insisted the pair sleep instead in our bed with me, while my husband slept in the guest room. This had not happened since my year as an exchange student.

I am sure many might think me a despicable and wanton woman, but I believe the gift of love is a precious thing. I do not do this casually, and this gift is being given by my husband and myself together.

I think your kindness which you and your husband are showing to your friend is admirable.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011):


To those readers who really do not believe that these types of things do occur. We have knowwn a very close friend of my husband's for more than 20 years. A year ago his wife left him for another man and he has been living in his house alone ever since. He has come for dinner here many times and it is as if he may as well be part of the family. Over July 4th weekend this year G stayed with us for 4 days. One evening we were all out to dinner and a couple of women I know from work commented that I was lucky to be escorted by two handsome men. I just laughed it off.

We finished dinner and returned home and were watching television when we started talking with G. My husband asked him what he had been doing for dating and such since his wife left and the poor guy had been alone ever since. I talked with my husband about trying to hook him up with some of our single friends. My husband then asked me, "What would you say if I said you could have sex with G and me together." I laughed but was intrigued. My husband said he was going to the store and that I could see if G was open to anything while we were alone. I asked him and he was surprised but he said he would be very grateful if I would have sex with him because it had been almost a year.

I took his hand and walked him to our room and we began kissing for about 20 minutes when he started undressing me and it began after that. We engaged in mutual oral sex for almost 40 minutes and then began making love. I thought my husband would have returned by then but I did not want to take attention away from G. We did it for about 30 minutes and fell into each other's arms. We did it again about 20 minutes later and then a 3rd time. I figured that my husband had not returned intentionally so G and I could have some privacy. We did it a 4th and then a 5th time and realized that nearly 3 hours had passed. I was worried and sent my husband a text message. I was shocked to hear his phone ring outside of our window and it turned out that he had been there the whole time with a video camera.

This has now blossomed into a regular thing with G. He has a green light to come over and enjoy sex with me alone and with my husband in a 3-some. I can honestly say I have NO feelings for G and it is solely the physical enjoyment of it all that I like. Our marriage is awesome and my husband loves that I've learned a few new tricks and movements from G. So, yes, it does happen and it can be a positive thing. I told G that if he ever starts a relationship with another woman our time together will cease but until then I'll help him out whenever he needs it and my husband gets the thrill both ways!



Orange County, California

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010):

I realize its been three years since your post, but I was in a similar situation. My husband's best friend was going through a terrible divorce. He was so lonely he drove an hour to our house almost every night of the week. My husband I discussed it at length. There is something powerful about touch, especially from someone who cares for you.

There are rules about adultery in the Bible, but there are rules about not working on Sunday either. Jesus took some wheat from a field to eat and got nagged by the locals for 'working'. He told them they were being too legalistic and that God desired 'Mercy, not sacrifice"... Like you, my husband and I, who are both Christians, pondered whether or not what we were doing was a sin. This was our thought: Our friend was hurting, even though we were being as supportive as we could be... he was hurting so much, he was contemplating suicide. He was lonely, angry, hurt. The commandment against adultery is important. But we believe it was put in place to protect marriages. Falling in love with another man or sneaking behind my husband's back would definitely fall into that category. Our intent was closer to picking grain on the sabbath to eat vs. to earn. (To help someone through a difficult time vs build a relationship outside my marital one)

If my relationship with my husband had not been solid at the time, it would not have worked and would have weakened our marriage, neither one of us would have suggested or agreed to it.

The reality of the situation is that my husband's friend and I spent about 1/2 the time touching and 1/2 the time talking. What my husband and I did, we did from love. We watched our friend grow stronger and more confident again.

I do not think that God condemns us from acting out of love.

Things are not awkward between any of us. My husband's best friend went on to marry someone new, someone perfect for him. She is aware and comfortable of what went on. While I still feel very protective of this man's feelings, there is no further sexual relationship between us.

There may be some who read this who think that there are other ways to be supportive, and I agree, and we were being supportive in many other ways. However, there is a healing that can come from touch, from being accepted, from not being turned away, from not being rejected... that cannot come from offering a board game, a meal, a hug, going to court hearings, or helping to pick up children from school when things get tough. Being held, accepted and listened to, being cared for... that is something worth gifting.

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A female reader, yasmin3 United States +, writes (12 April 2010):

I slept with my bestfriends husband , but I don't really feel bad ...but I know it was wrong ..And I would tell you to not see him again...You would want to do it again and this time it could be worst .after you try something new ,you keep on wanting more,and let me tell you its hard....It becomes an addiction ,cuz your gonna want to try other things...good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009):

I am surprised at the opinions given so far. Are you all so surprised that this goes on? I am aware of several such arrangements in my locality because of my line of work...

I also have been involved in sexual play with others along side of my wife during our marriage. We find these situations extremely fun and adventuresome. I love watching her be satisfied by another man (or woman) while I am being satisfied by another, usually his wife. We usually end the night in each others arms tenderly making love. Sharing sex with others can be amazingly satisfying.

Sex between consenting adults can be a great supplement to a couple's sex life, but only if the relationship is already whole. If the relationship has problems, sex with others will not heal those problems! The most important thing in this situation is a clear line of communication with your spouse. Know each others limitations, and ALWAYS have a standing agreement that if one or the other wants to stop, the other will stop without any question, without guilt-tripping, and without resentment or disappointment. Keep the lines of communication open!

I have found a lot of good information about these issues at Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008):

i just want to update this. yes, i am still having sex with my husband's best friend and sometimes it is a threesome with my husband. it is so naive to believe that faith in God is supposed to make you sexless. when one has their mates permission to have sex with another, it is not cheating!! how can it be cheating and they know and condone???? really stupid of you to not know the difference.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007):

i always get a kick out of these churchers who are against every form of sex not condoned by their religious leaders even tho they are the biggest ho's in town. it is nice to see a church person who is not completely brainwashed into thinking all sex is evil (tho i see signs of it in the original question). honey, if your husband is down with it, screw who ever you want too. humanity would be a lot happier if it spent more time in the whorehouse than in the get a lot more for your money there. first thing i noticed about the religious is how much they hate..they hate everything they think they may like: especially if it involves breasts, penises, pussies etc. i am from peoria (Yeeehaw, big al's) so we all aren't screwed up as peoriaman. my dad, one wise man, once told me anyplace that has more churches than taverns and whorehouses is not a fit place to live. also, i adopted his motto on life as my own: Don't trust a preacher with your money or your wife; don't trust a priest with your wine or your son; if you need a doctor or a lawyer make sure he is jewish; never ever trust a republican!!!!!!check out these last seven years.

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A female reader, lil'shade United States +, writes (1 November 2007):

Maybe you need to leave your husband because you don't love him if you want to keep having sex with the friend. How about ask your husband first because if you don't your cheatin.

P.S Just go with the friend.

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A male reader, Ponungalungb United States +, writes (1 November 2007):

Ponungalungb agony auntYou're "funnin'" with us Agony Aunts aren't you?

You're either: A) making this crap up; B) you're from West Virginia; or C) you're pitching a story for the Jerry Springer show. Which one?

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A male reader, chlez83 Zambia +, writes (1 November 2007):

I thought such practice was only found among da eskimos.I also had to read it twice to absorb it.Woman your sex drive is in gear 4 if not 5.Is this a sign that your husband is not satisfying you in bed?Did you hubby actually tell you to go and hv sex with his friend?Or did he ask you an innocent question?If all women behave like that i'd rather die unmarried.Plese stop satisfying your body and be faithful to your hubby.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

I agree with everyone else church or no church you shouldn't be doing anything like that.. besides going to church and teaching sunday school making everyone think that your in very high stardards making them think you don't do nothing wrong.. well let me tell you,you have sinned in one of the worse ways and are still sinning just thinking about it and wanting to do it again... if my husband was to ask me to do something like that for one of his friends i would knock the **** right out of him.. cause that's wrong... and if i ever asked him to do something like that for one of my friends i would knock the **** out of myself... cause when you marrie someone you marry them for them and yourself not to share with your friends,etc..

i don't even like the thoughts of my husband with another woman and i know he doesn't like the thoughts of me with another man least it be his best friend.. what are you people thinking?? what kind of religion are you??? Christain people doesn't act that way or do things like that the bible speakes about that it's wrong very very wrong

may God for give you..besides like the others said your playing with Fire and your going to get Burnt...

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A female reader, JaffaZ Australia +, writes (1 November 2007):

JaffaZ agony auntI agree with everyone else, what you're doing is wrong. Church or no church, it's still wrong. Don't jump at any chance to have sex, it's indecent. And a bit promiscuous.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

I had to read this one twice!!!!!!!! You and your husband teach at Sunday school!!! I'm sorry but i find this hard to believe. Love thy neighbour doesnt mean sleep with your husbands best friend because you husband says. Because your husbands friend is lonely, er, what is happening? Is this some kind of strange religion? I'm not sure i know what to say, other than i find it very bizarre and wrong. Did your husband get turned on by it? How would you feel if your husband slept with your best friend because of the same sort of circumstances?

take care and remember you could be playing with fire.


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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (1 November 2007):

rcn agony auntI have to agree with the other poster. I couldn't see an elder pimping out his wife.

I just wanted to add about the church. The pastor may relay the information to you that you are sinning and need to absolve your sins, but that information is not just his perception. It comes right from the bible. All though you don't feel that way at all, that's fine, but your not the one who's the judge.

If I take my convertible down main street at 100 mph, had a great time, didn't kill anyone, or get pulled over, does that mean it's OK. NOPE, just means I got lucky and didn't get caught.

With your story, if true, even though you don't feel that way, you're not the judge and the judge sees everything, unlike our donut eating local authorities.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):


what you did is that same as my wife and i did about 15 years ago. her best friends husband left her when she was almost 40 for a 23 year old. it was a very messy separation that took over a year to sort out.

my wife help her through it all and would spend many nights with her. she would come over and stay at our place for the weekend and they would talk or go out for dinner.

My wife told me one night that it had been over a year since she had had sex.My wife offer me to her and we did the same as you. so i under stand what you said about liking it i did to. all up i think we had sex about 8 times then one night the 3 of us agreed that her self confedance was better and that we should return to normal.

Since that date neither my wife and i have ever discussed the subject and i think that what you need to do with your husband or it could become a problem.

Just as a last thought, many men like the thought of their wife and another guy (i know i do) so he may be the same and he may like the idea of you and him. either way you need to talk to him. as for the more men only you know what you like

good luck and take care

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (1 November 2007):

eddie agony auntI'm having a difficult time believing this is a real question. It just sounds too "out there".

If it's true, you don't have permission to do it again. This is what we refer to as a can of worms, genie out of the bottle type thing. It can get out of control quickly. The proof is your question.

As for church, you brought it up, don't you think it's very hypocritical to behave this way?

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