A
male
age
36-40,
*o depressed
writes:Hi everyone.I hope you can help me. I'm so depressed at the moment. I've been really confused about my sexuality. For a long time I've been turned on by gay porn and I fantasise about it a lot. One day fives months ago, I made the stupid mistake of acting out my fantasy and I did something briefly with a guy. I didn't enjoy it and I've regretted it ever since. Here's the complicated part. Just before this incident, I was falling in love with a girl like I've never fallen in love with anyone, but she had to move away. Now she's coming back and I really want to be with her. But I feel like I'm not allowed to because of this thing I did with a guy. I feel so ashamed by it and i regret it so much. I feel like I've categorised myself as a gay guy, but I could never fall in love with a man nor could I do anything sexual with one again. But I still have gay fantasies. I feel guilty every time I have one, even though they're only fantasies and could never happen in reality. I just feel like I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life, because I don't want to be with a man but can never be with a woman, because of my guilt. Am I being too hard on myself? I long to be intimate with this girl but I have lots of hang ups about sex and this mistake complicate matters further. I'm lacking so much confidence right now and I don;t think I deserve to be with this girl. Thank you for your help. It would be so nice to hear from you.
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male
reader, Paolo  +, writes (1 August 2011):
Bro: you are being too hard on yourself. I know it because I had a very similar experience. Porn addiction is the keyword here. I recomend you to google it and inform yourself on the subject. I also acted out based on my fantasies and, after discovering that some people of my social circle have finded out what I did, had a MAJOR sexual identity crysis coupled with a heavy depression episode. The guilt and shame you describe are all too familiar to me. Am I Gay?, I asked myself a million times. If I said "no", I felt like a liar. But if a said "yes", I also felt that I wasn´t telling the truth. Well the truth is that, yes, I had a gay experience, but after that I choose a heterosexual life, not to erase past events, but JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE THAT WAY. You see, we are sexual creatures, and we suffer defining ourselves with categories and labels that don´t tell the whole story. Power to you bro, hope this helps to anyone who reads it.
A
male
reader, blueman13  +, writes (1 December 2008):
it sounds like you found some facet of the porn you liked and let it build into a fantasy. As for the oral, that was more of a test for yourself, you didn't like it but don't be ashamed, you were curious and that is just fine. If you never did it you'd still be wondering what if, but now you don't have to. Just tell her how you feel and most of all, be open and honest with yourself and her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): i know what your going through i've watched gay porn and i've regretted it ever since and im straight i have had fantacies as well bit i would NEVER go with a man because i love women i think u r being too hard on yourself just because you've wathed gay porn that does not mean your gay i think u have to do more than that to be gay. Good Luck anyways
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A
male
reader, so depressed +, writes (18 September 2007):
so depressed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciate them. I know it said in the headline that she was my new girlfriend. She wasn't, she was just someone I was really falling in love with. I've always been a shy person and I'm still a virgin. I was getting really close to this girl and wanted to do something about it but I just didn't have the courage or confidence. Then she went away and I was depressed about it. As I said I always had these gay fantasies and I thought I'd see what it was like and had a brief encounter with a guy which involved oral. I didn't really enjoy it at all and it's not something I want to repeat. It made me feel so used and dirty and I've experienced a breakdown over it, losing what little confidence I had anyway. I don't get why I'm still turned on by gay porn though, it's so confusing. When I think about it, I'm never want to involve myself in the sex itself, just watching is enough. For this reason, I probably wouldn't class myself as gay, because I guess you have to want to be intimate with a guy and I don't have that desire. But why do I get so turned on by the pornography? I've never really had a crush on a guy or felt emotionally attracted to one either, so it's weird.With this girl, as I say I've never really been attracted to one either, but I was really falling for her in a big way. Whenever I was with her, the time flew by and I'd wait for her to text me and get depressed if she didn't. It's just I feel so worthless a lot of the time. I grew up thinking that sex was quite taboo and it's something I'm so nervous about. I got tested for all sorts of STDs over this incident with a guy, even though it wasn't really necessary. Luckily I was fine, but I still keep getting paranoid that if I were to have sex with the girl I love I'd maybe infect her. I know it sounds so stupid. I just don't know what to do. How can I ever get physically close to a girl when I feel like this? I feel like I'm going to be alone and miserable my whole life. Thank you so much for your responses to my problem. I really appreciate them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): It's this simple - you're either straight (unlikely?), bisexual or gay. Put everything else aside and work out what you sexuality actually is. Maybe you're gay but you're trying too hard to think that you're not, or maybe you are bi? What you want doesn't factor into it.
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A
female
reader, beautifultrustnlover +, writes (18 September 2007):
 i think you need to get your sexuality stright because it seems as you couldnt enjoy it with the guy because your not proud of maybe being gay
well this girl you feel as your fallen for you should keep her a distance as you figaur it out
take a few deep breaths and maybe find some one to talk this over with because you seem really confussed
but if these gay fantasies are more than just fantasies
you shouldnt be ashamed of who you are
take some time to get your self together and maybe get to know your self as well
but you might just like this gay sex acts as its forbiden for a stright guy and that can be abit of a kink
but if its more as you did act out than you could like both and be bi
but thats only you to know im just giving my opion and best advise on what you have said shortly as im not sure what kind of guy you are
take care and good luck
feel free to mail me if needed
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 It was something you needed to do at the time, you did it, and now it's behind you. Lots of people experiment. Don't worry about it. Why do you feel so guilty about it? Was the girl in question actually your exclusive girlfriend at the time? Put it in the past. You had a question and you answered it. Now is the time to get on with your life, knowing more about what you like and what you don't like. Don't let this block you from relationships with women in the future.I completely disagree with the poster below who says that having gay fantasies makes one gay. A lot of straight people have homosexual fantasies, which they may or may not ever put into practice. Likewise, a lot of completely gay people have heterosexual fantasies from time to time. And then there is bisexuality, which pretty much means you get to think about and do whatever you damn feel like. If this girl is important to you, get to know her better and see how it goes from there. Whatever happened in your past remains there, and everything you do is part of your learning curve. Falling in love is a wonderful thing, and if you're in love with the girl you talk about, that's great! Treat her well and be happy. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): If you have gay fantasies, you are gay. Try to accept who you are and don't try to live up to other people's expectations of being a straight man in love with a woman. The life of a married man with kids is a sad and boring life anyways.
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