| A
female
,
*urplehaze
writes: i recently got into my boyfriends email account and found his ad on the personals website where it showed he had contacted a few girls to get to know them better about a month after we got together ...i dont know how to approach him on this as he will know i was in his account but i have a resentment and feel very hurt by this...if hes lying about this then what else is he lying about? how should i handle this? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2006): I am sorry for what you have discovered about your boyfriend. When you have a relationship, you really have two very essential, crucial things. Love and trust. These you must have completely and totally, in a healthy, well balanced relationship. Anything less and you don’t have them at all. Both of you violated the trust that is vital to this relationship. He lied and you snooped. Your future has now changed, unless you can both sit down and discuss this and face this problem squarely. You both need to decide if trust can be rebuilt here. I think what he has done..is far more serious in breaking the trust in this relationship, though. He was 'doing his misdeed' long before you discovered it. He needs to know about your hurt and pain and he needs to take accountability for what he has caused you. When someone like your bf, overlooks their responsibilities in a relationship or disregards the love and trust, then it's time for their partner, (you) to seriously re-evaluate. Frankly, if it were me, I'd kick his butt to the curb but this is your life and you must decide whether he's worth giving it another go. If you can't do this on your own, get some couple counseling to learn ways to learn to re-establish trust. This is not short term project. This kind of healing and change takes time. I wish you well. and Take Care.
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, MilanaNYC21 +, writes (18 January 2006):
 Yes you obviously did not act in the most mature way. However, its better you found out sooner what a dog he is before waiting to let him hurt you. Simply put, he is JUST NOT that into you, men who are very into their women do not spend time on the net finding potential prospects.
I suggest finding a man that will give you the respect you deserve. Also, stay away from checking emails it can get quite addictive, and you do not want to fluster your energy with useless garbage.
...............................
A
female
reader, purplehaze +, writes (18 January 2006):
purplehaze is verified as being by the original poster of the question i do agree with you Bev it is a serious show of mistrust and im sorry you feel i was self rightous about it..im not i feel bad for going in there but if i hadnt sensed something was going on i would have logged him off rather than taking a glance at it (this was on my computer he just didnt log off and im not saying that makes it right in any way) but again the fact is that i found this...and its either i let it go and get over it or tell him what i did and confront the problem i just dont know how to handle things
...............................
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 January 2006):
 Whilst StarNews (below) makes some good points, I think she's missed the obvious ones and those are that you felt A) mistrustful enough of your boyfriend to check his email -- That's a shocking breach of trust, btw -- and B) self-righteous enough about your indignation that you're not even remorseful about rummaging through his mail!
Clearly, there isn't a lot of mutual respect in this relationship!
I don't feel like either of you is emotionally mature enough for the rigours of dating. If you can't respect his privacy, and he doesn't care enough about you to even stop pretending he's available, then what's keeping you together?
I suggest that you not bother with each other any further. You don't trust him, and he doesn't seem to care. It seems you're only making each other unhappy. Let it go and each of you will be free to find someone who's a better match.
...............................
A
female
reader, StarNews +, writes (18 January 2006):
 There is no easy way to handle this. If you tell him, his reaction will be that you had no right to snoop. But the fact remains that you found out, and if you stay with him, he will only get better at hiding it. The trust has been broken, and you will never feel totally secure in the relationship again.
My guess is that you met him online, and that he makes a habit of meeting girls this way. He obviously gets off on getting attention from other girls, and who knows how far he will take it. He does not care about your feelings, and he does not respect you. He only cares about feeding his ego. You can stay with him, and waste years giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he will change (he never will). Or you can save yourself lots of time and heartache and let this loser go.
...............................
|
