A
female
age
41-50,
*ylviamax
writes:I am currently engaged to a man with whom I have been together, on and off, for the past 8 years. In these 8 years we have gotten together and broken up about 4 times. Inside of these 8 years I had a 2-year relationship with a woman (during the off times) and we have both been with various people. The first time we broke up, I broke up with him when he entered medical school. I had not really fallen in love with him yet and I felt like I needed more time to center and find myself. He ended up being devastated and leaving medical school for a year to try to win me back, and I decided to finally open my heart. Shortly after, he kissed somebody, and broke up with me and said he needed to find HIMSELF. Later we realised he held a lot of resentment and fear leftover from when I broke up with him and was unfaithful. We got back together again, and broke up due to the stresses of medical school and long-distance. When he came up to my area for residency, he begged me to get back together with him and I moved in with him. It was hellish in his first year of residency, and he told me he couldn't be in a real relationship and I moved out. I felt like I was finally ready to move on. But then he became very sick and had a near death experience, and we both began to feel we were meant for each other. He asked me to marry him. It has felt very different -- we don't fight much anymore, little drama, and our love is growing, and he is showing up for me and our relationship in ways he didn't before. However, I am PLAGUED by the women he was with during our breaks, and plagued by fear I will lose him again. When I broke up with him (followed by him breaking up with me) he slept around a lot, and particularly after we broke up two years ago and I moved out he started dating someone right away in the house we had made together. He quickly realised it wasn't right for him and he wanted to be with me, but after we had slept together once he slept with some other random person. When we finally got back together legitimately he is always faithful, but these other people feel like betrayals, and I feel sick and enraged and terrified when I think of them. Sometimes I think he is secretly the devil and wants to hurt me; when we first started dating I thought he was pure white snow and could only ever want to be with me. But now I know he is a sexual person and is capable of one-night stands, etc. He doesn't denigrate past people and says they were 'great' and many of his ex's are now his good friends; when we were broken up, he also kissed most of his female friends (and he mostly has female friends). Many are supposed to come to our wedding. He thinks I am crazy and that it is obvious he is and always has been totally in love with me, and that I should know that. I actually found written in his diary, "I have always known I would marry [insert my name]." But I still can't relax. I get anxious everywhere he goes and I hate that he generally has female friends. I am wondering if anyone has tips for evaluating whether my fear is justified, or whether it is just my own baggage, and how to get through it.
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broke up, engaged, fiance, get back together, got back together, his ex, move on, moved in, moved out, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): Theres just too much history between you guys. Between all the hook ups and relationships, I'm not entirely sure if there can be a future. However, if you do love him, only thing you can do is trust him completely. He is by no means an angel and part of moving on is forgiving him. He's only human and so are you. If hes 100% loyal to you and real about wanting to be with you, you cant trust him 80% and wing the 20%. you have to want it and believe in him 100% because if not, girl just walk. 9 years with this guy, time to seriously grow up.Hes done some stuff, youve done some stuff. If you both want it be honest and beautiful, you have to tell each other or you will get stuck with him for another 8 years in the cycle.I dated a guy for almost 3 years and it was on off, it was hot and amazing. And I also thought he was the devil (although hes a great great good guy) because he was hurting me, not committing, he was going away to an internship, writing blogs and taking pics with other girls and plastering it on social media. It hurt like nothing I have ever experienced, I cried many a nights but I NEVER ever let him see those tears. I was so hurt, so pained, so vulnerable...but I suck it up because I owe myself love. So started healing myself and focusing on me.I travelled, I work, got a new job, got a new kitty, redesigned my room, I dated and met 200 men for coffee, I kissed a few more and 2 guys I could have easily fallen for but back in my heart, I was still in love with my ex (he was my first and truest love). But I did me, I kept LOVING me and no matter how my ex hurt me by writing to other women, maybe dating, maybe even having sex with them, IT NO LONGER MATTERED because I was taking care of ME. Inside I became so strong, none of his BS fazed me anymore. And I never wrote to him, I kept focusing on me and a year later he sent me a link. My mom had cancer and he gave me condolescences. He started liking my social media stuff, he was giving me all his attention now and I can see it had nothing to do with him but ME. When all my love came back to me, my ex wanted to love me too. he wanted to see me again and he wanted take care of me too. All because I chosed myself first. And I can see the seriousness behind his feelings for me, he was no longer playing around and I wanst either.Im telling you all this because youre trust has nothing to do with this man. YOU NEED love yourself and the right guy will love you too. You dont need do anything, you just say yes when he wants to take care of you, when he wants to see you, when he finally picks you and says Will you marry me? Your power is saying yes. Girl, your life is yours. Live it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): Maybe you just need a little time 8 years is a long time and everybody breaks up and gets back together!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 February 2016):
Hi Sylvia
a Long Distance relationship is very tough on everyone.
But when he had the chance of a residency then what did he choose? A residency 10000 miles away? Or one near you.
He chose to be as close as possible to you.
He has repeatedly returned to you.
He loves you and he wants to be with you as a couple - husband and wife.
That is an indication that he is committed to you.
In the past he has been drawn back to you every time. Sounds like he is also an engaging attractive man who truly finds you his most enduring love.
Is that you are getting marriage jitters?
I would rather the man have experienced much of life and then have the man still conclude that one particular woman is the only woman he wants to spend his life with..... Versus a man who has never sampled life and then after marriages wishes he had sown some wild oats before marriage.
You both very healthily sampled some other people.
Now that you are nearing a personal lifetime commitment you are faced with fears an insecurities that you might lose him again in the future.
I think you anxiety is based on the fact that you really do not want to lose him again.
He has clearly demonstrated an engaging pleasant personality that the ladies from the past still want to be in touch as just friends.
If he had not been a kind affable good guy then these ex-Gfs would have wiped him from their lives.
I still get amazed at attractive ladies who focus on my guy as if they are the only female in the room. But I love it when he then puts his arm around me and smiles at them and introduces me as his wife, dispelling any thought that he is available. And he mentions things we are doing as a couple. He has a private chuckle to me later about the blatant pass they initiated and assures me that he is not interested.
I never feel insecure about attractive ladies trying to engage him in conversation because time and time again he makes it clear that I am his 'girl'.
If you and your guy choose to marry then that is a statement of your mutual commitment to each other.
You and he have worked out that there is love and history between the two of you.
You have been through so much togther and continue to be drawn to each other.
sounds like a number of women may even be feeling a little jealous at the fact that you alone have affected his heart that you are the one he has chosen to marry.
I would have a few issues with the ex girlfriends coming to the wedding.
But it is you who will be celebrated as the lucky lady on your wedding day.
The only issues that could derail things is your own lack of confidence in you and your own insecurity that you may lose him again.
Start talking to him about his vision and your plans for the future with you and him as a committed couple. Start talking about you'd like to structure the days, months and years ahead.
How do you envisage the two will build and strengthen the bonds that were forged over the years ?
I think two regular date nights, just the two of you (even if children later arrive) really helps keep the romance alive. If you can afford it then make it either once a week or once a month.
Or at the very least an evening where you plan a nice meal, shop for it, cook it together, eat it together (just the two of you, at home) then settle down and watch a movie. Choose an evening where you can sleep in the next morning.
Another way to keep the romance bubbling along is to plan short weekend breaks with each other. Just the two of you, without NO extra couples present.
Inviting other couples along is, I believe, an impediment that reduces the intimacy that needs to be nurtured between the two of you.
What leisure activities you can do together, and what you can each do alone. Tennis or Golf or walks together when time is available are all activities a couple can do together. Perhaps you could enroll together to learn the first two games together.
Seems like you are worrying about the future far too much and are failing to plan your future together.
Focus on the exciting times you can enjoy together in the years ahead.
Keep him busy.
Try little add-ons that you have the opportunity to add - such as a love note in his lunch. If you pack his lunch he has no reason to lunch with others.
He has chosen a busy demanding career. Choose to give him a sensuous head and shoulders massage when you are alone together - one that will make him want to come home for more. Enroll in a short course to improve your massage skills.
If you can pour your energy into planning the future this may address your fears.
If that is not enough then speak to a psychologist about a series of ways you can nurture the Emotional Intelligence (EQ) within you.
High EQ can be developed and it can do a lot to ease your mind in social settings with others.
I think you are facing a life ahead with the man you love and a man who does truly see you as the 'one'. Don't throw away your future because of your own insecurities.
Address your own insecurities and discuss rationally the future you envisage with your man.
It sounds like you have doubted yourself in the past and that mindset has the ability to derail things in the future if you don't address that insecurity now.
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