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I found out my boyfriend is married, but his wife doesn't care, he still wants a future together, should I bother?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 January 2008) 13 Answers - (Newest, 8 June 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

please help is there anyone out there who has been involved with a married man? I met the most wonderful man almost two years ago. two months after dating him i found out he was married. I was crushed but couldnt drag myself away. His wife knows about us now. she didnt even seem upset, she told me to keep him she was there only for the kids(they live together), he states the same. he talks of our future, but is it possible he will ever leave does anyone have experience with this? should i give him the benefit of the doubt help!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009):

I have been with a married man for 18 years. I am married too. He seems to love his wife and has never given me the slightest indication he would leave her for me. Still, I love him more than ever and I still keep hoping. We are each other's closest confidante and best friend. We are also hot in bed- really hot. We talk constantly and have everthing in common. But it still isn't enough, he would only marry me if she left him. So I hold on to that small thread of hope. I totally know I am pathetic. can't help it, I love him. He loves me too, but not enough apparently! So I say all this because I know, unfortunately, that married men generally DO NOT leave their wives for you. I have often wished she would catch us and that would bring about a resolution, but even that doesn't happen. And we have been at this so long, we are not even remotely careful anymore, so you would think we would get caught. Nope! I should have left my marriage so long ago, but I never did because as I can't be with the person I love anyway, I really have no incentive. I am over 50 now and have basically blown my chance for happiness of the conventional sort by staying in this so long. So, don't be like me. I don't blame anyone but myself, but there it is.

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A female reader, kintn United States +, writes (19 November 2008):

From my recent experience don't ever date a married man period. My boyfriend just ended a 5 year relationship with me. He was close to my 2 kids. He gave me an engagment ring for Christmas last year. The whole time we were together I kept asking him to get a divorce and there was always the excuse that he couldn't find her since she had abandoned him 7 years prior. She was living in a different state. One day out of the blue for no apparant reason he up and left me and went back to her. I am crushed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008):

Girl, my advise is to get out before the relationship goes too far!! I know that easier said than done. I met someone 5 years ago whilst in the middle of studying my degree. Things were gong well but turned bad after I fell pregnant (what he wanted so badly). At 8 weeks pregnant, I was on my own!! He didn't want a child any more. I always knew that he had 1 child with his ex. Choose to go ahead anyway even though I had to drop out of uni. Lost my job and went through hell. He only had contat with me when it was done under the sheets - the 'family conversation' came up several time but was brushed off by him. I was still a single to be mum! Had the child -still on my own. Slowly i got myself back together and he was back to be a doting dad. I wanted that for my child so accepted him. He got ver jealous and insecure. I started having suspicions because of his 'excuses of why I can't go to house after so many years'!! Went on the online electorial register only to find out that he was married for 8 years with (at that time) 2 children!! Held on to this info for another year hoping that he will come clean during one of our arguements or 'heart to hearts'. One Saturday I got so fed up with his constant lies (about everything - including how many children he had) that I dug that paper out with his address, wicf's and children's name and marrage details and went to the house and introduced myself to her. To me she seemed not bothered. She said that she knew that he has other women as she's fine as long as he pays the bills and looks after her, their house and the kids!! When she called him to give him a good blazing he came to me with threats of ruining his marrage!!! (the one he said he's never had) That was the last day I saw him until January this year (2008). As we sometimes do, we let our heart think for us instead of our heads, and I got back with him (he's trying to convince me that things are not working out at home) But she keeps calling him every 2 mins!! I'm trying to get out of it even though I want my daughter to have her father around. I know that he's walked out on her before without looking back. One of the hardest things of all is that he and his wife has a daughter who is 7 months younger than ours. The wife knows about me and our daughter, but I'm sure he manages to lie his way out of ant situation ina flash!! I'm trying my best to detatch myself from him, but it's hard when you have a child together and history. Don't let it get that far!! You deserve better!! If he wnated to leave her, he would have left a long time ago. She allows him to cheat and he will continue. She will always be no. 1. Don't settle for 2nd best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008):

In the same boat,but I'am married,and my husband knows about him too we only live together for the kids,so they won't grow up in broken home,but my boyfriend have been talking about me and him getting married,but then again I do love my husband and work out with him cause my boyfriend playing too many games and seeing other women,but never had this problem out of my husband I'am confess your best bet is to leave before you too start saying the words I love you and get to deep let him see if he wants to be with his wife cause deep inside he still do have feelings there probably still sleeping in the same without you knowing and having sex too and still doing familly events together which mean that one thing either they push away or they can work on it

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (29 January 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntDo you want to be a mistress or a lover?

They are different. A mistress is a kept women where he pays for your upkeep while a lover is self supporting and only in it for the illicit sex and love.

He will sit on the fence between his wife and you as long as possible and will not take any actions while your biological clock is ticking.

Will you wait for him to fulfill all his empty promises or will you only move on when you see the light at the end of this tunnel?

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (29 January 2008):

Collaroy agony auntHi,

boy, you have got yourself a dud here mate.

Seriously you think this man is wonderful despite him lying to you and cheating on his wife.

I guess if you want to be the woman who is there for sex then go for it, if sex is great and if you are compatible why not, his wife obviously doesnt find him as alluring as you do

But any thoughts of family, marriage, committment are out of the question - you do realise that dont you?

Some people are happy to go through life having their sexual needs satisfied without committment - you only have to ask yourself whether you are one of these people , if you are not then what are you doing with this man?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008):

AN HONEST RESPONSE!

Why does it depend on how the wife feels about it. He is her husband. If he really wanted you, don't you think he would simply leaver her and marry you?

Leave the MARRIED man alone. What is this was your husband?

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (29 January 2008):

DoubleM agony auntOkay, I'm a straight man, not a woman, but fairly recently knew a female co-worker who had been in a mainly sexual relationship with a married man for two years when I met her. This is an example.

She confided in me about it, me being an older man.

She was single, about 41, he a bit older with wife and kids.

He kept telling her he would eventually leave the wife and marry her.

She basically was his mistress, providing at least some of his "sex on the side" in return for some financial assistance for rent or whatever.

Over and over, she told me how un-fulfilling the situation was for her emotionally, but it continued about another year.

I guess she was getting some of the sex she wanted, some money - it sounded pretty much like prostitution to me. But whatever.

Eventually she cut-off the relationship after landing a better paying job and told me the whole thing was a bum deal. I knew his promises were bull all along, but you know, not any of my business.

If you want something similar, go for it. For some money or sex or whatever, but you're likely wasting your time here.

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A female reader, Devilish Angel United States +, writes (29 January 2008):

Devilish Angel agony auntHis wife doesn't seem bothered at all? Wow. Why don't they just get a divorce? If they're barely a couple, they should get a divorce to let each person go their seperate ways. To leave him free to marry you. If he's talking about a future together, I think that maybe he's serious.

I broke up with my ex because I found out he has a fiancee. I, myself, couldn't stand sharing my man.

Good luck

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A female reader, Devilish Angel United States +, writes (29 January 2008):

Devilish Angel agony auntHis wife doesn't seem bothered at all? Wow. Why don't they just get a divorce? If they're barely a couple, they should get a divorce to let each person go their seperate ways. To leave him free to marry you. If he's talking about a future together, I think that maybe he's serious.

I broke up with my ex because I found out he has a fiancee. I, myself, couldn't stand sharing my man.

Good luck

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A female reader, Devilish Angel United States +, writes (29 January 2008):

Devilish Angel agony auntHis wife doesn't seem bothered at all? Wow. Why don't they just get a divorce? If they're barely a couple, they should get a divorce to let each person go their seperate ways. To leave him free to marry you. If he's talking about a future together, I think that maybe he's serious.

I broke up with my ex because I found out he has a fiancee. I, myself, couldn't stand sharing my man.

Good luck

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A female reader, Lily Moll United States +, writes (29 January 2008):

Did he tell you he was married, or did you find out another way? Does he share a bed with his wife or is it possible it's really just a roommate situation at this point (or that they really are both in it for the kids)? If his wife knows about it, then you know that that he's not being honest with her as well.

I haven't had any personal experience with this, so you might want to take my opinion with a grain of salt. However, it seems that sometimes people find themselves in less-than-ideal situations (such as this man and his wife with their kids), and they do what they have to do.

Does he stay over at your place sometimes? Do you two go on vacations together? Do you know his kids? Are you involved in one another's lives? Besides the living situation with his wife, do you two have an otherwise normal relationship?

Have you brought up your concerns with him? It's normal, in any relationship, to occasionally talk about "where it's going." It's certainly possible that he'll leave his wife. People leave their spouses and families all the time, even when they don't have someone else. It's also possible that he's still getting something out of that relationship, but if both have maintained that they're only in it for the kids, that's probably not the case.

Maybe he has a scenario in mind, a list of things that have to be in place, or reasons that must exist before it's worth the trouble for him to leave, i.e., being ready to marry and start a family with someone else. Divorces can be expensive and emotional, and maybe he just doesn't think it's worth the pain, unless there's a practical reason for it. If that's the case, it's not a question of how much he cares about you, just what you two are planning, in a practical sense. Have you tried discussing with him the conditions under which he'd consider divorce?

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A male reader, Namatjira United Kingdom +, writes (29 January 2008):

Hi,

This question is not as easy to answer as some might think. Consider the worst case if everything he and his wife have said is true and that they will stay together for the kids only. Now ask yourself - how old is the youngest? How many years till they are at least 18 (maybe 22 if they also plan on sending their kids to University)? Can you wait that long?

While I can understand relationships that form outside a marriage, they are usually not healthy and one or other will suffer as a result.

Ask yourself if you think that you deserve better than a part time commitment? If the answer is yes, then you may need to make a hard decision for your own benefit. Remember that you deserve to be the centre of some man's universe and he yours. Anything less is just making do with second best.

The decision is yours and I wish you wisdom and success.

All the best

Namatjira

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