A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm struggling with my boyfriends needy attitude. He wants constant reassurance from me and needs my attention all the time. We have been together 3 years and his behaviour has got worse and worse. He wants constant reassurance that I haven't felt like this about anyone else, that I've never had a meaningful relationship, that I never planned a future with anyone else. He calls or texts every minute of every day then gets annoyed when I can't reply. He knows I can't answer when I'm at work but I have my lunch break at the same time every day and bang on 1 o'clock he's calling me. If I go on lunch late I'll see 5 or 6 missed calls and a text asking why I'm not on lunch yet. Then he expects me to spend my whole hour break on the phone to him. It's the same when I finish work, he'll call me and expect me to speak to him most of my journey home. Is this a control thing?We've argued about it so much, it's not that I need much space, I just need some but he's always there. He insists on us showering together every single night. If I have a bath he will always sit in the bathroom with me. If he goes into the kitchen to cook he gets annoyed if I don't go in and 'keep him company'. It's suffocating. I've told him countless times how I feel and nothing changes.
View related questions:
at work, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 July 2017):
 No I don't think this is controlling behavior but it is obsessive behavior and really not healthy. I wouldn't be able to live like this, I would feel so suffocated. Honestly if you can both not talk about this without arguing then it is time to end things, as this relationship is not healthy. Everyone needs their own space, and either he is obsessed with you or else he is paranoid you are going to leave him or cheat on him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2017): It sounds to me as if he is trying to monopolise every second that you have where there is a possibility that you could be talking to someone other than him. He wants to know exactly what you are doing when you are free and not with him.
He wants to stop any possibility that you might meet someone else and so takes up any spare time you might have at work. He wants to stop you talking to other men in my opinion.
Joining you in the bathroom is the same thing I think. This way he's not giving you a chance to talk to anyone on your phone.
I would say that his jealousy is so extreme that he might want to make sure you are not masturbating. No one can touch you or speak to you other than him.
I would be wary of this man. To me, he sounds like no one's treasure. I don't think that this is about caring about you. I think it's about extreme jealousy and control.
If I'm right then I don't think he's going to be very easy to leave and I would be very careful when and if you try to do so.
If you want to leave him then have others with you when you tell him and throughout the whole process.
Be ready for a difficult time ahead. Someone who wants you to himself this much is not going to relish the thought of you being free and single.
You know something isn't right. That's why you've written in. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 July 2017):
 Gods, OP that would DRIVE me up the wall!
While I get that it's NICE being able to "always" talk to your partner... you can't even take a bubble bath without him INTRUDING? Have you ever just LOCKED the door to get some privacy?
Have you ever told him, NO I want a shower by myself?
If it's something you two have talked (and argued) about and nothing has changed (on his end) then you have to presume that THIS is who he is. You can't change him. He is a SUPER needy and insecure guy and he expects YOU to fulfill his needs of CONSTANT contact.
Does he HAVE a job? Does he have friends? Or does he expect you to be this SOLE source of personal interactions and entertainment?
You two are oil and water in many of the instances you mention. Which means you don't "mix" well. NOT a good combination.
My guess is that in the past you thought it was sweet that he was so into you and now it's just become too much? It doesn't mean he LOVES you more when he is constantly needing attention and contact.
Is it controlling? Up to a point, yes.
You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. Considering that he WILL not change is this how you see your life?
Since it seems like you live together I suggest you find an exit strategy. If he lives with YOU, give him 2-3 weeks to get out (then change locks, phone number and inform your job to NOT put him through) If you live with him, FIND a new place to live, change your number etc.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2017): If he is such a pain in the ass, then leave him.But just know that you might regret it.Obviously the guy cares about you.Good luck finding another guy who actually cares about you nowadays. There are juts pigs out there.I would give my right arm for my boyfriend to care that much about ME!!!Just remember: Your trash is another's TREASURE.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 July 2017):
 How/why have you put up with this for so long? Can you see yourself putting up with this for another 3 years?
Have you tried just not answering the phone when he rings/sends you a text? At the moment you are "rewarding" his behaviour by giving him the attention he craves. He is acting like a needy child.
Why not turn this on its head and say "I will phone you at x time but, outside that time, please do NOT contact me". Then contact him when you have promised but ignore any other contact he tries to make. switch your phone off or leave it elsewhere so you are not annoyed by his constant attempts to get hold of you.
Does he not have a job? Or interests? Or friends? If not then maybe that is where he should be concentrating his efforts, not on hounding you all the time.
As someone who values her freedom and independence, I have finished with boyfriends in the past for a lot less controlling behaviour than this.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 July 2017):
 Does he not have a job himself, the way he is somehow always available to talk over the phone?
If he's unemployed, I think he's just bored and lacking friends or activities, and that's why he's all over you.
If he's got a job, and have other activities, then it is because he wants to control you.
If he lacks a job and other activities, then yes it's controlling, but it's more about co-dependency. He can't function on his own, and be his own individual human, so he has to "take over" your life instead.
In both cases it is a red flag and NOT someone you can build a future with. I say set him free so he can find some other woman who doesn't mind being attached at the hip with this guy. You need your freedom and your sense of self and independency. All relationships need to be able to let the other person have their space and breathe. If he's not allowing that, then that points to him not being mentally mature or able to have an adult relationship.
And this will not change! He will not change! This is a part of who he is, trust me. Even if he's unemployed and he finds work, this is STILL who he will continue to be, at the core.
I mean for heavens sake, I have been unemployed myself several times, and I NEVER sat and demanded hours on the phone with my partner or called several times or was unable to leave the room on my own.
But I do have a father with mental health problems who DOES do what your boyfriend does, get angry and annoyed if I don't answer the phone, call several times a day, repeatedly (I could have 30 missed calls from him in an hour). It's a sign of sickness. He is suffocating you, smothering you, and it will not get better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2017): EDIT: "It appears you two a total opposites."
Correction: It appears you two are total opposites.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2017): You said you "argued" about it. Have you ever just sat and had a "talk" about it?
You say you feel suffocated, and go on and on how his contact annoys you. I think he's getting the message.
Nonchalance and indifference comes-off to your partner as a sign you don't care about them. He's needy for a reason. He's not getting your emotional-feedback, so he's begging for it.
Your annoyance with him is evident to him. That's his problem. You've told him numerous times how you feel; but how much have you shown him?
You complained but didn't say one nice thing about him. I guess that sums it up.
Perhaps you're ready for a breakup. He doesn't feel he's getting what he wants out of the relationship; and you're annoyed with his neediness. It appears you two a total opposites.
...............................
|
