A
female
age
30-35,
*ublyuYa
writes:Hi everyone!I'll try not to make this too lengthy - I have asked a number of questions when throughout my almost four years of a relationship that ended this April. My ex left to the other side of the world, and for the first time since moving in together years back I realized just how co-dependent our increasingly dysfunctional relationship was, and how badly I wanted out for several reasons. The break up was one of the most emotionally difficult experiences I have had, as he admitted he did not see it coming, and it was heartbreaking to end something with a man and best friend that I have spent almost all my time with for several years. I'll admit that I wanted to do it for almost a year, but his lack of confidence in finding a job, going to school or even being out in public, as well as his almost constant depression and anxiety made me extremely worried about what would happen if he were to lose his almost entire source of support and comfort. I eventually decided (with the help of several friends) that I can't stay with him my entire life solely to make sure he feels safe and secure, and need to find someone who I can rely on and be happy with as well. I even found a person who I have been incredibly happy with in the last couple of months. The problem is, I feel such an enormous amount of guilt every time I so much as think of my ex that it overwhelms me entirely. It's hard to think of anything about the last years of my life without having my ex in the picture, and it's straining to keep out of my head so much. And I want to know so badly that he is doing fine, but on the other hand I am terrified that he isn't. The worst is the frequent dreams I have regarding my guilt - I get these dreams up to two or three times a week, and I often see him very thin, depressed, and begging to take him back. I already have trouble sleeping (about 5hrs a night), and now I have become almost afraid to fall asleep at all because I don't want these vivid dreams to continue any longer. I don't discuss it with my current boyfriend, but I constantly have to work my body into exhaustion to fall asleep and hope that I don't dream AS much that night. Has anyone had this happen, or have any advice for what I can do to at least make this a little better? I feel like I abandoned my ex, but was it really so wrong for me to want to move on when I saw he was getting a little better at taking control of his life? Sorry this is so long; I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.
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best friend, confidence, depressed, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I wrote a couple of articles for DC to help people understand what goes on in the mind of a person who has to dumped you.
You are the unique dumper, who had to save herself. If you didn't, you would be the victim of your own natural instincts. To care and nurture.
I wrote this to help people understand. Now they will see
yet another side.
Please read:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-does-the-dumper-feel-after-dumping-you.html
You are the first type that I describe. You were manipulated and held under emotional black-mail.
You were not abused; but there are people who assign themselves to be care-givers. You are not responsible for your ex-boyfriend's custodial care. You are not his wife; therefore, you owe no life-long obligation to be with him through sickness and in health.
You assumed the role of a social-worker and surrogate mother, of a man who had far too many mental-health issues to be in a relationship. The co-dependency was founded on his illness; not his love. Of course he would love you, but he depended on you like a nurse-maid and provider; not his woman and lover.
Your guilt is a clear indication that you did a little bit of self-hypnosis by re-affirming to yourself how much he needed you. There were times you were dying to run screaming into the streets; but you feared what people would think of you, and you were not raised to be indifferent to suffering. Nor to abandon someone you dearly care for.
Well, in this case, you were not entirely right to remain under such stressful circumstances.
It took courage and determination to finally convince yourself when it was time to go. You were in too deep for too long. So the guilt is understandable; but not justified.
There are social-services and counseling available to offer assisted-living and an income for someone like him.
Somehow you got caught-up in caring for him like a sick child; and you lost sight of the fact this is a full-grown man.
You had a co-dependence in the reward you received in feeling you were giving him a better quality of life, and fulfilling what you considered your duty in a humanitarian way.
That isn't really necessary in modern times. His family and other friends share responsibility for his care. He is not mentally challenged like a child with Down's Syndrome. Even they are able to be educated, and live on their own.
He used his illness as a way to hold on to you. The dysfunction was your resistance to his other issues; that couldn't be veiled by his depression and lack of ambition.
He played you. Now you allow that same manipulation to linger in your blood. You should seek therapy for the loss of sleep, and anxiety associated with these lingering feelings.
Don't become dependent on the counseling, that's also easy to do when you're dealing with guilt. You just need to do the same reaffirmation you did to convince yourself to remain with the guy through thick and thin.
You deserve your freedom to be independent and happy. You have freed yourself of a weight that has been so heavy, that it still has an adverse effect on your well-being.
He was just too much. More than one person could handle. Give yourself credit.
He isn't starving. He isn't desolate and homeless. If he is, it's no longer your responsibility. You did him a favor by forcing him to be self-reliant and to use his own survival instincts. He had them all the time; but he used you, because you made it so much easier.
So stop it! Release yourself!
If he were your husband, a parent, or your child, such guilt is justified. For a fully grown man who can work and care for himself; don't you even do that to yourself. You're bordering on being foolish.
I'll give you a break by not telling you how ridiculous you sound. Oh...did I just say that?
Snap out of it. If his own mother isn't sweating it, you should just cut it out! If you're not competing with Mother Theresa for sainthood, turn in your chains of martyrdom; and re-assume your role among normal humanitarians.
You did what you could. Now go take care of yourself and let your new partner help you move on. Use that care-giving energy on yourself. Never concentrate so much energy on caring for a man who can care for himself.
Nature wired you that way to care for helpless infants. It may also be your calling to become a doctor, or nurse.
Enough is enough. Go live your life and be happy.
A
female
reader, Scotlass65  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 You have nothing to feel guilty about, it's time you moved on and ex is an ex for a reason
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