A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:which is the best way to get your man to give you more attention? im feeling really neglected by my needs lately and everytime i tell him how i feel, he seems to run futher from me. He plays rugby, cricket and squash, he has kids, and it just seems like he puts me last all the time, and when i try to confide in him, he tells me that im not doing it the right way and that it makes him do it more. i dont know what else to do, its killing our relationship, i honestly feel like he doesnt care. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (8 March 2007):
You have a right to demand some of his time.
You should set out clearly what time you want him to give you - dinner together on a Wednesday, etc, - and discuss it with him.
If you are sitting at home now, ignored, imagine what it would be like when you are at home looking after a newborn baby.
Just because you are pregnant does not mean that you are trapped. Make it clear to him that his behaviour is UNACCEPTABLE and that you will leave him if he does not change back to the man who spent quality time with you before you moved city.
It is possible that he is just excited to be with his kids and carried away by the fun of being in a new, apparently beautiful city, and maybe feels that if you're pregnant perhaps you can't join in. He could be ignorant of your feelings and so to put that possibility aside you really need to be totally clear about what you want and what will happen if you don't get it.
I do hope he sees sense and starts to give you a little bit of love and attention.
Whatever you do, make sure your child does not grow up in a home with a lack of love - even if you don't feel the strength to insist on a good relationship for yourself, do it for your child.
Do you have friends or family you can talk to about this? I think you might need them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanx once again for your reply. I have asked him to give up atleast squash on weds nights. He has agreed, but its not like we spend that time together. To make things harder, him and his kids have started surfing too. They want to surf every day, and he joins them all the time. What i left out is that im 22 weeks pregs with his baby, and I feel even more alone in this pregnancy. And one of my concerns is that if he cant spend time with me now how are we ever going to survive when baby comes. Or if he will even have time for his new baby daughter???
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female
reader, chachacha +, writes (8 March 2007):
Thanks for the extra information. So what you're saying is that you both met in Joburg, when he was away from his family and away from his sporting activities, and when you presumably were able to spend a lot of time together. But when you both moved to Cape Town, his kids moved in with him and he started to do a lot of sports.
Frankly, I think you should explain to him that you had not expected that when you agreed to move to Cape Town your time together would reduce from what it was to the little bit it is now. You should explain that it is important to you to spend time with your partner and that what you want from a relationship involves spending time together. I would then ask him to say whether he is prepared to give you any more time, and if so, where he is going to get that extra time from (e.g. which sport does he give up, say).
If he says he is not prepared to give anything up, and wants you to fit into the little bits of spare time around everything else, then you'll have to decide whether that is something you can live with long term, or whether you would like to find a partner whose idea of how much time you spend together more suits your own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh, one more thing, when we lived in joburg, he had no sports, except for his jogging, and no family. We are both orginally from here. when we arrived in cape town, i couldnt believe the amount of time we were seeing each other, literally about ten percent of what it was like in joburg
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx very much for your replys. Just to answer a couple of questions. We lived together for a year, last year where we both worked in Joburg.We had all the time in the world, it was complete bliss. But we have moved down to Cape Town, and because hes had to look after his kids here, and his parents, he got a huge house to support everyone. I have gotten my own place because I find it way too much for me. Ive always been a very independent person. He has invited me to his sports numerous of times, but I like to give him that space with the guys.I have been asking for a weekend away for quite some time, but he is part of the rugby organisation and cannot miss a single match. Dont get me wrong, I love the fact that he is a sporty type and that he is a good father, I just find that a relationship needs that quality and nurturing time, away from everyone. He reckons we can have that time as a family with his children. I try to explain that its important, even if its 20 mins a day. He doesnt see any sense for us to have alone time.Sometimes it feels like im dating his family too. It gets a bit much. The only time we have alone is when we go to sleep at night, about 30 min to make love, and thats prob every third nite. Thats if I sleep over at his house, cos he cant stay at mine, cos of the kids.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (7 March 2007):
It is unclear whether he has recently been undertaking more time consuming activities, or whether he always has done so, since you first met him.
If he has always been busy and involved in all of these activities, then when you got together you effectively had a tacit agreement as to how much time he would have left over for you. If you now want to renegotiate that, you'll probably have to be the one to compromise, and as the other have said, you'll have to join him in some of his activities, if he allows that. Else you'll have to just accept the amount of time you get.
However, if he has gotten busier lately - like more sports games, more time with kids, and so on - so that you see him less often than before, I think you should rightfully ask him why you see him less than before and say that you are not happy with this reduction, but would like a little more of his time. If you ask with a real willingness to learn the answer, and you state your own needs in a straight forward way, you should find out the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): Hello!
It sounds as though he has his priorities wrong. Maybe things are starting to get routine at home and he is losing interest in it because of this. There is no sure way of getting more attention and in any case he should provide you with it naturally. Maybe you could get inolved in his sports? Or maybe the problem is elsewhere...
Sometimes, we need to step back and take a look at ourselves to see how happy we are within our own self as a single unit. BECAUSE, if you dont like yourself, its difficult for someone else to like you. I personally find that I distance myself from people when I am unhappy about my weight, so I do something about it, healthy diet and go for a 20 minute jog avery couple nights with my ipod. Youll be amazed at how it changes your outlook and if you ooze happiness and confidence, your man wont keep away!
Perhaps you should put your feelings on a well presented plate to him and tell him something along the lines of...ahem...
"I love you and I love spending time with you. Its great that you play sport and spend time with your kids. I would feel so much better if we could start doing things together too. I feel as though we are growing apart and I cant stay around and watch that happen to us. We both invested something in this relationship when we met and I feel that we should both invest some more in each other"
I hope this gives you something to think about and to finish off, Im sure he does care.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (7 March 2007):
 The best way to get more attention from him is to be more involved in his activities. I'm not saying rugby and cricket but have you ever tried squash? Give it a go! Spend time together WITH his kids and get to know them better. Don't seem so "needy" or it will just turn him off. Get yourself some hobbies that you can do when he's away at the cricket or the rugby.
Do you live together? If so, remember he comes home every night. Ask him at other times if he fancies doing something, just the two of you. Let him know you don't mind him having his hobbies but sometimes you feel it would be nice if you could both be by yourself to spend some quality time together, no kids, no hobbies, no TV.
Suggest going away for a weekend to a nice hotel and ordering the honeymoon suite. I'm sure he'd love that, that way you can pamper one another AND spend some quality time with each other too.
Eve
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