A
female
age
41-50,
*helle
writes:I've just come through what has to be the worst few days of my life. i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months knowing that the spark or excitement had never really existed between us. i know i will miss him but i can see that there's someone better out there for both of us. what has upset me the most is the devastating effect my decision has had on him. he says he will never get over it, that he will never find someone like me again. how can i live with myself for the next number of months knowing that he is taking the break-up so badly? deep down in my heart i know ive done the right thing but i never realised the numb, gutted feeling that would come with it. its probably all the harder given the fact that it was the first real relationship for both of us. how can both of us get through this torture?
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi Shelle,
There is not much you can do to ease his pain. My first thought it to not speak with him so it's a clean break. The more he talks to you, the worse he's going to feel. Why? Because it's a constant reminder of someone that he cannot be in a relationship with. I would talk with him and let him know that you want things to be easier on him, so you're trying to help him get over you by stopping contact for a while until he's over you. (It may be weeks, it may be years - who knows...)
And it's not good for you, either, because what happens if and when you start to feel like dating a new person? Will you feel guilty about it? Probably moreso if you're still friends with your ex. If you two are not talking, I don't think dating new people will be an issue. (Why would it be?) And I can't imagine that you'd have fun talking with someone who just depressed you all the time. I don't think he'd be having fun, either.
And hearing him so upset might actually "force" you back into a relationship. I don't see why that would be good for either one of you. And I don't think he'd want to be in a relationship with someone because of the wrong reasons. What sounds better - breaking up with someone and letting them find the person who is right for them, or staying with someone because you pity them? I think he'd feel worse if he found out you were just with him because you felt bad. (At least that's how I'd feel.)
So how do you both get over the break up? You need to realize that the relationship is definitly over. Get all of the negative feelings out and have a good cry. Don't keep all of that bottled up inside because most likely you'll feel worse. The only thing is that you can't dwell on it. Get together with friends, go out, get hobbies or get more focused on ones that you already have, get lost in books or movies, and get some positive things back in your life.
Hope this helps. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): First off, I am not so sure that I understand why you are feeling like this after 4 months of now spark or excitement ever having existed for for with him, but this was your first real relationship....I am a bit confused...
I am not going to try to tell you what you feel is wrong, but I wonder if you really know what love is?
There are stages to love, the first is infatuation, which is not based in reality, it is a lot of chemical stuff going on in the brain that originally produces that rush of excitement you are referring to....it wears off after awhile and thank goodness it does, who wants to be with someone because they are essentially blinded by brain chemicals?
The next stage is attachment, this is when the masks are off and things start getting real...this is when one or both partners start to pull back because they are terrified of committment especially to a partner they have lost that sparky feeling for....if you can just hang on, this is the sweetest stage of love and is based on deeper feelings, much like the ones you are having over breaking up and hurting the one you may in fact deeply love.
Take a step back, and tell your boyfriend you need some alone time to think about what you really want and what you are willing to lose....he is right to wonder what is wrong with you throwing in the towel on your relationship after it is just beginning.....but if you already know what love is then I guess you know,
Love is a conscious decision to love, that is right it is a decision, not a feeling....of course you need loving feelings towards your partner, but it has action behind it, you have to decide to BE a loving person and put the needs of your partner first above everything else..and be someone worthy of love...so many young people don't get this, it is a matter of maturity and perhaps neither of you are mature enough for real and lasting love...in that case go out and try on a few pairs of shoes....and go easy on the boyfriends.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi,
Dont beat yourself up over it. You had the good sence to know that its not going right, and did the right thing. Of course it will take time, but its a great healer and eventually he will move on, as will you.
Just stick to you decision, and dont go back out of pity. It will hurt a lot more.
Take care XX
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