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I feel like my boyfriend doesn't appreciate me.

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 July 2007) 48 Answers - (Newest, 4 September 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

This probably sounds quite pathetic but I feel like my boyfriend doesn't appreciate me. It seems like I'm the only one making an effort to see him or make him happy. I put myself out there with him 100%, I don't see the point in holding anything back. He was the first one to say 'I love you' and now doesn't say it at all, instead he says 'if I didn love you I wouldn't be here'. Is it me or is that not the same? We've only been together for 9 months and are already like an old married couple. We don't have sex, he sees it as a chore, we dont say 'I love you' he doesn't see the need, we've even stopped holding hands but he sees no problem in this. Argh! someone help?!!

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A female reader, Kaylight Zimbabwe +, writes (4 September 2011):

The thing we should al know abou the opp. sex is that male species are hard to understand, what goes on in their head is very complex.

Not all of them know how to express themselves and even when they try its comes out totally wrong.

Thats how some of them were programmed. At times I feel as though my boyfriend doesnt appreciate me or he shows it in very odd ways.

that's how I know he expresses his love for me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011):

it takes two, is all i have to say about that. a girlfriend/boyffriend can only do so much if the other person isnt interested. a girl can gussy up put on make up and get a nice new outfit, but if the guy doesnt care...he wont notice..i kno this from experience and i have been with my boyfriend for 7 years! you cant change them and the more you try the worse your relationship will be. im not saying you have to be submisive all the time, stick up for yourself, if things dont work out it wasnt meant to be, do stress over it its really not worth it, being in a relationship isnt the most important thing in the world.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011):

your boyfriend should make you feel like the sexiest, most important person in the world. And im sure your boyfriend wants to feel the same. Honestly, give to him whatever you want him to give. If u want him to kiss u, kiss him. if i wanna hold hands, tell him u enjoy it and hold his hand! Spice things up a little. go to a new restaurant or dance to the radio in the living room. buy a sexy dress and give him the honors. have fun! and if u don't, then tell him how u feel. being honest is always the best bet. hop i helped!

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A male reader, Ramon United States +, writes (24 February 2011):

Well lets turn this around. I guess I would be the opposite. I don't feel like my girlfriend appreciates me! I tell her everyday I love her and text it daily to her as well. She will reply with a smile and at times she will she loves me too. I take time to take her lunch daily, coffee and whatever her sweet little tummy desires. I treat her like a Queen, but she does not see all that I do. I will stop the world to let her walk by. If I am late in taking her lunch or to pick her up for a date she becomes upset and cancels on me. I adore her and will do anything for her, but I don't she feels the same about me. A man who loves a woman!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010):

I have had exactly the same problem as you and i had been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half. At first our relationship was great but then it seemed like he stopped caring and never made an effort to see me. He seemed to have more fun with his friends than he does with me. He also never wanted to have sex because he said he was "tired" and one time he said he didnt want to because he was going for a run?? He always told me he loved me but we would always have fights. Ive tried to get him to change but it does not work. He says its "who he is".. We had a very long chat and he just wasnt understanding anything i was saying and just made everything my fault and it seemed like he just wanted to get back to his friends house rather than fix our relationship. At the end i decided to break it off with him. I still love him so much but i felt like it was the best decision because i knew he was not going to change and instead of being upset that i just broke up with him he just said... "you just came here to pick on me". I hope i dont let my self take him back because i was so unhappy and angry all the time...

Personally i think you should end it with him. you deserve someone to treat you so much better and i bet he will realise what he had and regret being such a dick

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010):

read "He's Just Not That Into You". This book changed my approach to how much crap I put up with from a guy, and it will make you realize that you are worth being treated well. go to www.4shared.com and download the book for free without having to buy ANYTHING. Hearing what guys really think about women they treat like crap; it really makes you realize that your not crazy, and you don't have to justify his sh*tty behavior.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010):

Been with my partner several years. Up until a few months ago I was the one looking after his 8 year old son while he worked - so I'd do breakfasts, lunches, drop-offs and pick-ups, shopping, housework etc, plus try to juggle my own part time work. According to him, I wasn't putting into the relationship because I wasn't earning enough money. A couple of months ago I got a more regular job. Now he tells me I'm not putting into the relationship because he has to look after his son in the evenings as I get home late from work. I still do the dishes, lunches, breakfasts, wash clothes, make beds etc, but on the odd occasion when I have to work all day and the dishes don't get done - that's what he notices. Feeling trapped. Completely over it. Sick of hearing about how much support other people give him, and how little I do. And how do I remind him that his son is his son, without him having a tantrum - which seem to occur at a rapid rate these days??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010):

so me and my boyfriend have been together for 9mnths an alreay we have goin through so much in so little time. i no that he loves me and i no that he cares but i feel like its only to a certain degree. we constantley fight because either he says something sooooo rude an disrespectful or he puts his friends before me and he goes about things the wrong way. please dont get me wrong he is a sweetheart and he holds me down an will provide me with anything that i ask for as long as he has it, never the selfish type. when we were good in the relationship and everything is fine, he's a wonderful person we have so much fun and theres nothing but love. but when everything is down he's horrible. however we are both 17 an maybe its because he's young an inmature. but ive made myself so weak that ive changed what i really am an i honestly cant even tell you why. he was such a diffrent person from others that i dated in my past that i didnt no how to act with him. ive made the mistake of letting him wak all over me, take me for granted knowing that ill still be here through whatever, and now he does what he wants and says what he wants to me. i wont get into details but if you could only imagine things that he has done or said to me. i was in the hospital oe time an instead of coming to see me hespent his money on weed an didnt even come see me. he borke up with me because i got pregnant an he tought i was gonn ahave it so he stopped talking to me i had a misscarrage in the hospital he said i dont fuck with her sorry to her an blew me off. i took him back.. we broke up again because he left me hanging for his friends in my time of need LITERALLY called me an hr later ater he was done i was angry he hung up an left to were he went an didnt say goodbye i havet seen nor spoken to him since last thursday an its now monday. everytime something happens its always my fault an he acts like he;s never wrong. an if i dont ever fix the problem who know's were we would have ever been before. he has put me through so much an i put it all behind an i love him to death i see him as more than a boyfriend but i feel like he doesnt love an care about me like i do him. he says i act like a baby an he's not gunna baby me. so me being in the hospital an him coming to see me means he's babying me. this is the4th time he broke up with me an the 4th time he stole my heart broke all his promises and smashed my heart into a million little pieces,, if it wasnt for my mom and my cousin who i love so mch i dont no were i would be right now..i let him degrade me an im still here for him. an he gets angry that i say he doesnt care about me or love me because i dont understand how he wants me to be 100percent convinced that he lovces an cares about me that much. he hurts me so bad. an this is why he said he's gonna leave me alone an that we need time apart..what do i do??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

I'm only 14. Apparently I am mature but there we go.

I've been with my boyfriend for a good few months now, and I love him to pieces. Maybe it's just me being a bit awkward sometimes or whatever, but he ignores me, he puts everyone else first. If he had plans with me, he would cancel if his mates asked to meet up. It's fair enough if he already had plans. But seriously?

And he never takes anything seriously. everything is one big joke to him. and it's starting to piss me off. I'm at the stage, where I just want to tell him to f**k off.

Scuse my french.

But at the same time, I don't want to let him go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010):

im having the same problem!im 16 and i meet my boyfriend almost a year ago at a party and weve been friends ever since, over the past summer he would always want to hook up but he would also hookup with one of my best friends but he would never tear us apart. in the beginning of september i hung out with one of my guy friends and while i was i was texting my boyfrriend now,( he wasnt at this time) he got mad at me for hanging out with this kid and didnt talk to me for a while. i ended up texting him for some reason and we talked about it and i soon found out that he reason he got mad was cause he liked me. ever since i meet him i had feelings for him so i was happy to hear this. before we started going out, this other kid was in the picture and he liked me also but my boyfriend now( still not at this time) did too and it was this huge deal. they ended up finding out about eachohter and wanting me to deside between both of them, so i did. i clearly chose my boyfriend than shortly after we started dating. i talked to him about this today how he never talks to me and he told me that he dosent mind not talking to me. he doesnt mind not talking to his girfriend, iasked why he dosent talk or text me nd he saaid he was busy with grad project and i get that. im sure he has some down time to text me but he just dosent. i just dont know what to do cause i really like him and he tells me he likes me but never shows it.

what one of the girls above said "the person that cares the least, controls the relationship" that is 100% true, and it sucks ladies we deserve so much better than how our men treat us. it is harder than it actually is to talk about but we have to do whats best for us.

i need some advise from someone oldder because i need someone with experince to give me advise.

thanks!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010):

I don't know how that feels,but I'm pretty sure he has gotten tired of you!!!im sorry to say this,but that's true.try someone new!!!he doesnt deserve u!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010):

i'm also in a similar situation. i feel like i'm always the one having to say "do you want to meet up" or the one who starts the conversation and keeps it going on calls/texts and sometimes in person.

i've tried a couple of things but one thing that has worked best for me is to take a step back. it's a hard thing to do but sometimes it really works. we went through a rough patch, where my boyfriend cheated, and afterwards i was still making effort like he'd got away with it. i then acted like i'd started to drift away. i didn't ask about meeting up and i didn't keep the conversation up. after about four days he slowly started to realise i was drifting away, but in my heart i obviously still loved him, and he was the one asking to meet up, he then made more effort.. he also got closer to me, both sexually and normally as our trust regrew. we also sat down and had a talk about alot of things. it started as bit of an arguement but we said things that we didn't like about the other. things like swearing at each other. that kind..

it was a hard thing to do but i hope this helps..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010):

1. every guy that comes into your life is not the one.

there are guys you learn from and ones that learn from you. when you find a guy who is emotionally on the same level as you, he will be the right guy.

2. if he isn't appreciating you, leave him. He will be one of the guys who learns from you. one day youll be with a guy you have no idea why your with and start to not appreciate him, he will leave you, and you will learn from him.

3. watch and rewatch the movie, he's just not that into you. tell yourself, if a guy likes me enough he will try, he will call, he will be there, NO MATTER what. and stop thinking your the exception to this guys life.

4. talk to other guys about their relationships, you will begin to realize how many type A's and type B's there are.

A: way to into himself, his friends, his goals

B: way to into his gf

somewhere someday there will be a type C and he will be your man. C: the in between

5. last but not least.... people who obsess over their relationship are bored. Bored with YOUR life, and nobody but YOU is going to fix that. you only live once... so why settle for being unhappy ?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010):

you say you have issues with you boyfriend and that he doesn't aknowladge you anymore.... this could be due to stress or other problems going on his life,have you tried talking to him about the situation?? maybe it cold just be something and nothing....but beore ou try to sort his problem out you need to allocate time and ask him why he is doing it... and what is bothering him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010):

umm thats pretty harsh. i'd understand if you guys have only been together for a week or so cause guys usually act like asses when theyre tired of their girls. you should open up. it may not seem like a big deal to him because he doesnt know that it is. tell him how you feel & sometimes saying " maybe were not working out," might open up his eyes, scare him, & probably get him to treat you better. has the though " hes cheating on me." ever cross your mind? cause sometimes these are the symptoms. i feel your frustration. hope all goes good

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A female reader, Rydia United States +, writes (26 June 2010):

It's a subtle form of control and abuse called withholding. It makes him feel good to make you feel bad. Read Patricia Matthews "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Then run away.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010):

if there has been one thing I have learned from being in my relationship ( of 4 years and 5 months), I was watching some late night TV and I heard some one say "The person who cares the least, controls the relationship."

From past conversations that I've had with my significant other, while I was caring the most, he felt it was so much that he didn't have to care about it at all, because I was putting my self 100% for him. So that it was his place to not do anything about it, since we were already proving to them that we will do anything we can for them.

As much as it hurts to see him not care, you have start putting your self before him. Start doing things that will make YOU happy. Either by your self, or with your friends, something not involving him, other wise it'll just bring up the issue more.

I noticed as I was starting to do things on my own, and not doing and making everything revolve around his happiness, he started to talk to me more, say I love you first, and even show public display of affection.

If it doesn't work out that way in the future, a few things you'll find is

1: you are happy

2: You are happy with out him.

Mull it over when you figure it out and good luck 3

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010):

i'm so sorry to hear this but to be honest i've been through this before. it will not end well. you have to give up on that relationship because if he doesn't want to make every effort to make you feel like you are the most important person in his life then it means that you aren't very important to him. a man who loves you will want to have sex with you so much that it seems a chore to you and he should want to make you feel special. the problem is is that he's just not that into you and therefore not worth your time. i know that this will way harder to do than it is to talk about but it's something that needs to end i mean a man who doesn't want to have sex with you because it's a chore must wear on your self esteem and we all know that women have issues with that anyway, it makes us think that we're not sexy because we aren't wanted. get rid of this loser because he really is a loser

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010):

Give yourself a time frame, do your best and if it fail means it is meant to be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010):

Hi girls. Im in the same situation..I have been dating my guy for 7 years and 8 months. Im 23 years old, and we are high school sweethearts, but it doesnt seem as if i am his sweetheart anymore. Hes rude to me, I feel like he doesn't care. He worries more about family and friends latetly more than he does about me. we are both students and see each other like twice a month because of school. I call he everyday for like ever and it was never a problem and he was always happy to hear from me, but now he asks why i call-didn't think that after all these years i would need a reason to call my boyfriend!!!

he thinks absolutely nothing of hurting or saying hurtful things. he only seems to be interested in sex now-the center of his conversations with me now!! Oh and yesterday, he told me that I need to speak about one of his friends with respect (a guy who i dont like and badly influences my guy against me-i complained that i did not want to hear that friend's name and my man went off at me!), and that he "values" (my bf's words) that friendalot and he won't lose that friendship. by the way his friend is a guy, and he met him like 3 years ago in school-yep I was around first!

i dont know what to do anymore, i feel really lost. i tried the "ignoring him" thing but it just started making him suspicious of me and getting more irritated with me!

i dont want to lose him-i love him and we have been together for many years-its alot to justy throw away,

any other ideas or advice on waht i should do would be great please. thanks for reading my long story.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010):

im sorry to read all of the problems lady's have with us (man), but thats a having a bf or gf, its hard and yes some of the things the other ladys said its true we humans are animals and do have instincs and we like to chase hunt work for our objective at least a little, yes you need to have a life, dont be always around him thats why he ignores you cause your gettin to much into hes space and hes gettin tired of it, give some space and he will be loking for you its not about pride or going from hot to cold

from my personal expirience thats what happen to me and my ex, i was always after her traying 2 make her happy hughs kisses, goin out, eating my pride and say sorry when we argue even if it wasent my fault but she never put her half so i ignore her and then she was after me and then i got tired of her always been there everyday in my house i felt i dint had time for ME my space to play games, fix my motorcycles, talk to my friends, and now im after her again even though seems like she has a Bf, and the secret is to not give way to much but not give very few, call hes attention to you girls and when u get that see how much love is right remmeber to much love will make someone sick and not enough will make him and you unhappy, as for sex life try something new, diferent place, new clothes, sex its like cake its great you love it but after a while of eating the same cake it gets boring and thats when u put some cream, sugar, straberrys and BANG its great again, dont make sex a everyday thing we like to have a craving for it not just to be handle to us everyday make it fun for both. really hope what i said works

p.s

the way he says if i dint love you i wound be here.. means he had ideas of leaving or that hes getting bored

im 20 yrs old so i still got some road to travel on the world of womans hahaha

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A female reader, fifijambouree United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2010):

I know this feeling all too well. I started seeing my boyfriend only 2 weeks after coming out of an extremley serious relationship with my ex. And when we first started dating he made me feel alive again, he gave me a sense of myself after feeling like I'd lost myself in my last relationship. We had so much fun and would talk for hours about nothing of much importance. It developed quickly and he told me he loved me. At the time I was kinda shocked but I realised I felt the same way. I had my doubts but I followed my heart without taking my head with me. It got to about three months and the arguments crept in. Everything is my fault. My friends think I deserve better and I know deep down I do. We split up after 6 months for a week after he told me he didn't know what he wanted, I was gutted but knew I had to move on, then a week later, he was back, wanting us to try again, so foolishly I did. For the first four days, it felt like old times but already were back to square one. We constantly aruge and I feel like he picks me up and drops me whenever he wants. I feel like a piece of shit and I know I shouldn't be with him but I also understand how hard it is to let go. But, it's true to have distance from eachother, after our time apart he was a different guy! Let him know you have a life too. Never let someone be your entire life if your only a part of theres. I feel rich saying all this but it's scary cos I know I should be living by my own advice!

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A female reader, loverb33 United States +, writes (14 April 2010):

I was talking to my cousin today and she and I r both having the same issue everyone else who answered is. I googled this topic to c what I can find and I came across this. As sad as it may be looks like we all have bf issues. They don't c it. As much as u try and do they don't understand. When u tell them how u feel ur either a drama queen or a nag...my fiance never calls or texts I always do..I always go to c him I always buy him things and hug him and kiss him and I get nothing in return. So I asked around both males and females and it all came down to one thing. Ignore him do ur own thing act busy even if ur not and let him c that u have other important things to do... like some of the answers said..let him chase u...saying he loves u is one thing doing is another... someone told me a wise quote..'what I do speaks so loud I can't hear what ur sayin' meaning actions speak louder then words...I decided starting tomorrow I'm going to b with him as he is with me and u should do the same he'll start wondering about why u suddenly changed and he'll kiss ur ass...when I'm a jerk to my fiance he's the sweetest person to me but when I'm nice to him he's an ass to me...distance urself believe me it works...sad to say but seems like all guys r the same as much as they like to deny it...so try it out...as far as the sex part..read cosmo believe me the things I learned from that magazine made sex interesting..try it out...if nothing works its time to move on...good luck to u and the rest of us in the same situation

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

I have the Same Problem and i feel like he just doesnt see me at all like when he got me a flowerhe said o it broke and smiled and the rest of the stem fell off and then instead of saying im sorry he just walked away it feels like h doesnt want to do the other half of the relashiship it feels like im doing the whole thing

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A female reader, lilyth United States +, writes (2 November 2009):

lilyth agony auntI have read your question along with all the following answers and find it hard to swallow that so many of us are in the same boat.

I was suffering the same delema, he was selfish, always occupied with his own things (weither he was doing them or not)he was always away in his head.

he does have alot of things going on, although this is no excuse. they need to love us as much as we love them.

I have also done quite a bit of reasearch on my issues in my realtionship and have found that the problem doesn't just lie with them it is also us.

ever heard the saying" it takes two to tango"? well, it is so true true in every arrena where two people are involved.

I know that you must know in the back of your mind that men love to chase. it's the thrill of the hunt and has been that way since the dawning of time. don't believe all the hype that you read that if you make a man chase you when you already in a relatioship that that is wronge. men get bored with a female that is always available, too complacent, always after them for affection and intimacy ,ect. I am not saying blow hot and cold, I am saying that you need to remind him that your world does not revolve around him, that you have your own life and do things for yourself as well. don't do everything thing that he asks, don't be there to his beck and call, don't chase him. let him come to you. be confident and love yourself, be cause at the end of the day it is just you. don't give so much and let him take so much. other wise he WILL TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED AND NOT APPRECIATE YOU! why would he appreciate you when he doen't have to work for anything? by distancing yourself a little, not calling him all the time, not being there everytime he wants to see you you will be setting boundaries giving a little less and making him give YOU more. I am not saying be cold and unaffectionate, be affectionate but leave him with the taste of honey, a little sip of necter and he will be thinking more about you , even when you are not around, and chasing you for the whole beehive!

a few words of caution:

don't do too much too soon, be patient. If he is going to get interested again it will not happen over night, it will happen slowly, somtimes wih out you realizing it and when you do it is awefully tempting to go back to your old ways of attending his evey need and vaccuming under his ass and him not even giving ou a second look so fast your head will spin and you will have to start all over again.

Communication is great and communication is one of the keys to a successful relationship, but do not, I repeat, do not try to talk to him about this behaviour so much that he feels pressured and therefore will pull even further from you. I have made this mistake myself and it only goes from bad to worse.

Don't tell him what you are doing. It is not that you are playing games, you are being yourself and having independence with your own life.

If he thinks that you are doing it just to make the relationship better then the whole thing will backfire and he will not be intrigued by you, he will just think that that is pathetic and that you really are not your own person.

good luck, girly i really hope that this helps everyone who has posted.

If this does not work after a time and you have seen no progress then you might have to consider moving on and finding someone more worth your effort. don't forget that your work and effort counts as much as his does.

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A female reader, lilyth United States +, writes (2 November 2009):

lilyth agony auntI have read your question along with all the following answers and find it hard to swallow that so many of us are in the same boat.

I was suffering the same delema, he was selfish, always occupied with his own things (weither he was doing them or not)he was always away in his head.

he does have alot of things going on, although this is no excuse. they need to love us as much as we love them.

I have also done quite a bit of reasearch on my issues in my realtionship and have found that the problem doesn't just lie with them it is also us.

ever heard the saying" it takes two to tango"? well, it is so true true in every arrena where two people are involved.

I know that you must know in the back of your mind that men love to chase. it's the thrill of the hunt and has been that way since the dawning of time. don't believe all the hype that you read that if you make a man chase you when you already in a relatioship that that is wronge. men get bored with a female that is always available, too complacent, always after them for affection and intimacy ,ect. I am not saying blow hot and cold, I am saying that you need to remind him that your world does not revolve around him, that you have your own life and do things for yourself as well. don't do everything thing that he asks, don't be there to his beck and call, don't chase him. let him come to you. be confident and love yourself, be cause at the end of the day it is just you. don't give so much and let him take so much. other wise he WILL TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED AND NOT APPRECIATE YOU! why would he appreciate you when he doen't have to work for anything? by distancing yourself a little, not calling him all the time, not being there everytime he wants to see you you will be setting boundaries giving a little less and making him give YOU more. I am not saying be cold and unaffectionate, be affectionate but leave him with the taste of honey, a little sip of necter and he will be thinking more about you , even when you are not around, and chasing you for the whole beehive!

a few words of caution:

don't do too much too soon, be patient. If he is going to get interested again it will not happen over night, it will happen slowly, somtimes wih out you realizing it and when you do it is awefully tempting to go back to your old ways of attending his evey need and vaccuming under his ass and him not even giving ou a second look so fast your head will spin and you will have to start all over again.

Communication is great and communication is one of the keys to a successful

relationship, but do not, I repeat, do not try to talk to him about this behaviour so much much that he feels pressured and there for will pull even further from you. I have made this mistake myself and it only goes from bad to worse.

Don't tell him what you are doing. It is not that you are playing games, you are being yourself and having independence with your own life.

If he thinks that you are doing it just to make the relationship better then the whole thing will backfire and he will not be intregued by you, he will just think that that is pathetic and that you really are not your own person.

good luck ,girly i really hope that this helps everyone who has posted.

If this does not work after a time and you have seen no progress then you might have to consider moving on and finding someone more worth your effort. don't forget that your work and effort counts as much as his does.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009):

:( My boyfriend likes to go on his moody thinking and then just shuts me out completely, I'd be on his knee just sitting wondering how I'd cheer him up and he'd stay silent or uninterested, his only move would be to go and kiss me, wich in turn makes me feel I'm there only for the kisses rather than sharing his problems.

He throws quite a few hissyfits, or if I say something he takes it the wrong way and just states he's going home. Meaning I'm the one chasing after him to pull him back, or saying sorry and I'm getting quite sick of being so submissive, and he takes it for granted I'd go after him each time he gets into these moods.

He'll say he loves me etc but then he'll complain how I'm ignoring him when he should blatently come up to me if he wants a bit of attention :@

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A female reader, kp18 Canada +, writes (17 September 2009):

I am in pretty much the same situation,except i've only been going out with my boyfriend for about 4 months now and we spend a bunch of time together but it doenst seem like he wants to, it seems like its just handy im there, like im just something to occupy his time.I've talked to him and told him how i feel, and how im bored with the relationship and he says he'll change and make it better but he changed for a few hours of a day and then it went right back to normal,I love him and want our relationship to last so i'm trying to hold on but its just making me more un happy

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009):

Well I am going through the same thing, but my boyfriend just dosnt respect me sometimes. But the way it seems is that your boyfriend is just not trying or putting effort into the relationship. Start saying the things he says to you to him. Try and show him what hes putting you through and if it dosnt bother him and you should be able to tell then your better off without him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2009):

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I feel like my boyfriend is very selfish and doesn't apreciate me. When u figure out the answer to this problem... please let me know!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009):

I am as clueless as you are. I feel unappreciated too.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. I don't feel important anymore in this relationship. I'll take a step back stating today and see see how he reacts. He's always too busy or too tired. Maybe he lost interest, I am not sure. But if he doesn't seem to care about how I feel, maybe it's time to let go no matter how painful it is.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009):

I am as clueless as you are. I feel unappreciated too.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. I don't feel important anymore in this relationship. I'll take a step back stating today and see see how he reacts. He's always too busy or too tired. Maybe he lost interest, I am not sure. But if he doesn't seem to care about how I feel, maybe it's time to let go no matter how painful it is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009):

i am so glad to find this site.. i am exacly the same situation as all of use and havnt known what to do. i have thought about the distancing from eachother for a few days or a week but am scared insted of missing me and then apprecaiting me more, he will just find that he doesnt miss me and finds hanging out with his mates 24/7 is more fun. i just want him back how he use to be. And like the other girl.. i cannot express my thought because he makes me out to be in the wrong. x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009):

Hi, if it makes you feel any better I understand exactly how you feel. My boyfriend drives me crazy on a daily basis, he's just so fricking hard to figure

Out and he's so unpredictable it's crazy. Sometimes I think that we just shouldn't be together but I don't want to end it as I am truly convinced I love him and have learned I need to accept him the way he is but it is hard as it's like we are two completely different people. We had been together before, things hadn't worked out and back then he just wasn't ready for a relationship .The feelings I had for him still remained for quite some time and one night after we were out together with some friends he got me alone and told me he had never stopped liking me. This completely surprised me and I made sure that I told him I was willing for us to try again if he had changed and was going to make more effort, which he did. I was with him a lot at the start and began to develop very strong feelings for him which I had never really experienced before. He was also the first one to say he loved me and I honestly believed him. When the time came for him to go on holiday I really missed him and couldn't wait till he came home. But he was distant with me, haven't seen him but we have spoke on the phone. I now feel like since he has returned home he doesn't feel he really needs to see me and I'm just so confused and feel like it's just me making the effort.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009):

I know how you feel. My boyfriend works at an demanding job and he'd leave whenever his boss called him in. It aggravated me a lot. And, not to mention the fact that he wasn't passionate/loving with me. I litteraly demanded effection.

To make a long story short, i left him for a couple weeks. No contact. Nothing. and when i finally did, he changed for good.

I think you should leave him and see if he has changed. If he does, i think that hes realized life without you. If not, hes a jerk and leaving him was the right thing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009):

i'm sorry but this dude sounds like an ass and hes honestly just not into you, you deserve better. dump him!

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A female reader, choongy United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2009):

ahhhhhh. i have the same problem. i love my boyfriend to bits we'v been together 10 months and its like all the sweet little things he used to do he doesnt anymore. i know the honeymoon period is over but i could do with feeling like im supported in my relationship. when we're around people he is the most charming funny witty guy always smiling and happy. as soon as he is alone with me all i hear is MOAN MOAN MOAN. i feel like he is never happy with me. when i speak to him about he he tells me im wrong and he loves me more than anything so why dont we smile together anymore please helpp

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A female reader, special77 United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2009):

I came out of a relationship that was demanding and controlling not to mention the domestic violence and sexual abuse... i thought he appreciated me but i suddnley noticed that it was all about himself....

when you notice these things it's an eye opener and it makes you constantly thin if you were ever good enough.. i was in this for 4 years and they were the worst years of my life...

listen to you mind and your heart only you will know whether the guy is right for you...

good luck!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008):

cant tell you how glad and sad I am to find this forum. like the rest of you, i too googled the same topic, and sadly for the same reason. I have been dating and living with this guy for almost 3 years and he is most of the time sweet, nourishing, loving, dedicated, funny and wise. The thing is, I am 24 yrs old and I feel (like most women) that I am ready to get married and stop dating. Problem is, Mr. Man here, is horrified by the idea. He'll be graduating this month and he claims he is already ready for retirement (talk about fear of assuming responsibility). He wants to become what he calls "a professional bum" meaning no way in hell does he want to take on a real job. his dream is to play music a(which he just started learning 6 months ago), surf and meditate and hopefully be with me (in that exact order). I on the other hand, I am ready for a real career, I have alot of energy and I believe in work and gain...but all of this means that if we were to stay together I would be the one "Supporting the two". I love him, and I know he loves me, but already this couple is doomed cause we'd be living a poor life in separate directions. We've asked eachother why we are stll together and we are both are holding on hopeful that the other will change into the others "ideal". I need him to mature as a man and start building a substantial life, whilst HE wants me to grow more spiritually towards where he is heading (which is trully not a realistic place in this day and age). we communicate well to eachother but we cant seem to fulfill the others needs, but we are hopefull and keep dreaggin n draggin. This weekend his parents are coming to visit for his graduation and itll be my first time hosting his family..but where is he? Off to a music concert and dinner with friends and he hasnt put in not a single bit of energy into helping me clean the apartment and moving stuff to make HIS family comfortable. I;ve been home all day moving stuff and cleaning and making beds and doing laundry..ALL ALONE,,and he simply says not to stress him out with that sort of thing and walks out the door. a Thank you? an apology? a "what can i do to help you?"...??!! NOTHING!! and he'll STILL expect me to be all sweet and loving when he gets home! In many ways he's a jewel and worth alot..but not in the way i need. Is it worth it? Why are women always the ones waiting??! I need to know if Im waiting in vain and if I should be looking for love somewhere else? cause lets admit it ladies, the clock is ticking-- faster than a man's clock apparently.

This is the story, without the depths, now PLEASE HELP~~

confused and tired~

{moderator note: I suggest you post this as a question rather than as an answer to an older thread, you'll get more responses]

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008):

Your boyfriend sounds very selfish. I can somewhat relate to your issue your having and what i am doing is backing off. Its not fair for you to be in a relationship that's not making YOU happy. I bet he has said that he is happy and content with your relationship. Though, it does not matter because you are not content. You enjoyed those small things he used to do and what it sounds like.. its getting worse. I'd back off a little and scare him. Make him realize that you have needs.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008):

I have the same problem too. I don't know if this is a valid question to the rest of this group. My bf brings me flowers and likes to take me out to dinner. Yet, when we're eating dinner he always makes a fuss about how pricy the food is-- a huge turn off. He just makes me feel like I'm not good enough for a plate of food at a descent price. He always keeps on telling me,"I do this for you... I do this for you..." It feels horrible to hear that. I do so much for him but he too doesn't appreciate me. I don't remind him what I do for him all the time-- only when he tells me he does so much for me. He says he loves me and when I try to end the relationship he starts to cry :/ It's complicated because he is a nice person to others. I think he is immature, honestly. We've been going out for 9 months. My mother is always saying,"Poor boy... you are so vicious Andrea." He likes playing the helpless game-- like the watery eyes and the," I wuv yah!" It's so confusing. I don't know why I'm sticking around. He whines too much and says the world is a pit of human flesh with corporations and uncouth beings. It's depressing and his mother is odd-- she is so lazy. They are really poor. So it's hard. My bf is a hard worker too. He buys me gifts and flowers when he can. He got me a promise ring for Christmas. What do to!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008):

Well it seems like we all have the same problem. As much as we don't want to believe it or let it happen, they are just not into us. Stop faking it, it's just going to get worse. We spend so much time and effort into making them appreciate us and they still don't do it. That tells us something on its own. -des

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007):

I googled this question and came to this site, because I too feel unappreciated by my boyfriend...sometimes as a passing feeling and other times, in powerfully sad feelings. I do a lot for him...I make all of his doctor appointments, make him dinner every night, I stay up late after I get home from work and make his lunch, I have gone to the courthouse too many times to count with our daughter in tow, just to find out info for him or fill out papers,so he can change his custody status of his sons to 50/50...which never ended up happening because, well I can't go to court for him too, can I? I am the bread winner in the family, due only to outrageous child support payments he has to make, but when we start talking about him finding a better paying job, he turns on me and snaps, "why don't you find a new job?" hmmm...because I am in management in my company, I already make good money, and I like my job?? Now I tried to make a dental appointment, which I have been trying to make for months and he got so mad, because it was on one of his days off. He wouldn't even speak to me? I feel so stupid, and unappreciated. I feel really confused about why he doesn't see any good in me, or appreciate all I do. I appreciate him and treat him very well and loved. Is there something wrong with me?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007):

omg i am in the exact same situation as you are. i have dated my boyfriend for 3 years now and i feel as if i am dating a wall. i always do everything for him and i never ask for anything back but i dont even get a thank you. he does not try to impress me anymore, hold hands, he doesnt even brush his teeth or put deoderant on anymore , he also calls me mean names when is is angry. it feels like he doesnt want to make an effort to keep me as his girlfriend...almost like he is not worried that he could ever loose me. he is too comfortable with the relationship. i dont think he woudl care if i dumped him. i know how you feel and its awful!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007):

sorry for telling you but please leave him nowwwwwwwwww, he doesmt worth your love.. if he loves you he will do anything and everything to see you, to go out with u or even to call u... i hate men when he takes a women just for granted... sorry for being rude but i was in a relation one month ago and all my friends told me to leave him but i didnt cause i was having things to do more important to talk with him like my death of my grandma and cause i made an accident but he is the one who told me.

please dont think twice

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2007):

Sweet-thing agony auntYou have nothing to lose by simply telling him that there are things you need in this relationship and sex should be pretty close to the top of the list - it's what keeps the bond between a couple intimate. Otherwise, you're nothing more than glorified friends. Also, verbal confirmation is equally important - the way you treat each other on a daily basis helps you both feel like you're in a loving, thriving relationship. If you're the only one giving, it's time to talk to him and find out why he feels like it's such a burden. Is he depressed for some reason? Could it be that his parents were poor role models and he really doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship with someone? After you've said what's on your mind and explained how his distance and lack of effort is making you feel, you may need to consider ending the relationship if you don't see any signs of improvement over a period of time (you determine the time frame you're willing to wait for). I would really question his love for you. He may enjoy your companionship, but not truly love you. In that case, he'd be better off with a dog.

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A female reader, sunrise United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2007):

sunrise agony auntHi, you must feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall, you should still be in the honeymoon phase, not beating yourself up wondering whats going on in his head.

You need to try to talk to him and tell him how the relationship is making you feel.

You are obviously a loving sensitive person and feel you get nothing back which makes you very insecure. You shouldn't have to ask him if he loves you, you should feel it.

Talk to him and if you're not happy walk away, you deserve to be loved, we all do. Good luck x

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A female reader, Ask_HanBan United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2007):

Ask_HanBan agony auntmake him apreciate you, spice up ur sex life so it isnt exactly seen as a chore but a hobbie.

the losss of physical contact is normal just reinforce it, good luk!

Hannah :)

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