A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:This probably sounds quite pathetic but I feel like my boyfriend doesn't appreciate me. It seems like I'm the only one making an effort to see him or make him happy. I put myself out there with him 100%, I don't see the point in holding anything back. He was the first one to say 'I love you' and now doesn't say it at all, instead he says 'if I didn love you I wouldn't be here'. Is it me or is that not the same? We've only been together for 9 months and are already like an old married couple. We don't have sex, he sees it as a chore, we dont say 'I love you' he doesn't see the need, we've even stopped holding hands but he sees no problem in this. Argh! someone help?!! Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): cant tell you how glad and sad I am to find this forum. like the rest of you, i too googled the same topic, and sadly for the same reason. I have been dating and living with this guy for almost 3 years and he is most of the time sweet, nourishing, loving, dedicated, funny and wise. The thing is, I am 24 yrs old and I feel (like most women) that I am ready to get married and stop dating. Problem is, Mr. Man here, is horrified by the idea. He'll be graduating this month and he claims he is already ready for retirement (talk about fear of assuming responsibility). He wants to become what he calls "a professional bum" meaning no way in hell does he want to take on a real job. his dream is to play music a(which he just started learning 6 months ago), surf and meditate and hopefully be with me (in that exact order). I on the other hand, I am ready for a real career, I have alot of energy and I believe in work and gain...but all of this means that if we were to stay together I would be the one "Supporting the two". I love him, and I know he loves me, but already this couple is doomed cause we'd be living a poor life in separate directions. We've asked eachother why we are stll together and we are both are holding on hopeful that the other will change into the others "ideal". I need him to mature as a man and start building a substantial life, whilst HE wants me to grow more spiritually towards where he is heading (which is trully not a realistic place in this day and age). we communicate well to eachother but we cant seem to fulfill the others needs, but we are hopefull and keep dreaggin n draggin. This weekend his parents are coming to visit for his graduation and itll be my first time hosting his family..but where is he? Off to a music concert and dinner with friends and he hasnt put in not a single bit of energy into helping me clean the apartment and moving stuff to make HIS family comfortable. I;ve been home all day moving stuff and cleaning and making beds and doing laundry..ALL ALONE,,and he simply says not to stress him out with that sort of thing and walks out the door. a Thank you? an apology? a "what can i do to help you?"...??!! NOTHING!! and he'll STILL expect me to be all sweet and loving when he gets home! In many ways he's a jewel and worth alot..but not in the way i need. Is it worth it? Why are women always the ones waiting??! I need to know if Im waiting in vain and if I should be looking for love somewhere else? cause lets admit it ladies, the clock is ticking-- faster than a man's clock apparently.This is the story, without the depths, now PLEASE HELP~~confused and tired~{moderator note: I suggest you post this as a question rather than as an answer to an older thread, you'll get more responses]
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Your boyfriend sounds very selfish. I can somewhat relate to your issue your having and what i am doing is backing off. Its not fair for you to be in a relationship that's not making YOU happy. I bet he has said that he is happy and content with your relationship. Though, it does not matter because you are not content. You enjoyed those small things he used to do and what it sounds like.. its getting worse. I'd back off a little and scare him. Make him realize that you have needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): I have the same problem too. I don't know if this is a valid question to the rest of this group. My bf brings me flowers and likes to take me out to dinner. Yet, when we're eating dinner he always makes a fuss about how pricy the food is-- a huge turn off. He just makes me feel like I'm not good enough for a plate of food at a descent price. He always keeps on telling me,"I do this for you... I do this for you..." It feels horrible to hear that. I do so much for him but he too doesn't appreciate me. I don't remind him what I do for him all the time-- only when he tells me he does so much for me. He says he loves me and when I try to end the relationship he starts to cry :/ It's complicated because he is a nice person to others. I think he is immature, honestly. We've been going out for 9 months. My mother is always saying,"Poor boy... you are so vicious Andrea." He likes playing the helpless game-- like the watery eyes and the," I wuv yah!" It's so confusing. I don't know why I'm sticking around. He whines too much and says the world is a pit of human flesh with corporations and uncouth beings. It's depressing and his mother is odd-- she is so lazy. They are really poor. So it's hard. My bf is a hard worker too. He buys me gifts and flowers when he can. He got me a promise ring for Christmas. What do to!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Well it seems like we all have the same problem. As much as we don't want to believe it or let it happen, they are just not into us. Stop faking it, it's just going to get worse. We spend so much time and effort into making them appreciate us and they still don't do it. That tells us something on its own. -des
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): I googled this question and came to this site, because I too feel unappreciated by my boyfriend...sometimes as a passing feeling and other times, in powerfully sad feelings. I do a lot for him...I make all of his doctor appointments, make him dinner every night, I stay up late after I get home from work and make his lunch, I have gone to the courthouse too many times to count with our daughter in tow, just to find out info for him or fill out papers,so he can change his custody status of his sons to 50/50...which never ended up happening because, well I can't go to court for him too, can I? I am the bread winner in the family, due only to outrageous child support payments he has to make, but when we start talking about him finding a better paying job, he turns on me and snaps, "why don't you find a new job?" hmmm...because I am in management in my company, I already make good money, and I like my job?? Now I tried to make a dental appointment, which I have been trying to make for months and he got so mad, because it was on one of his days off. He wouldn't even speak to me? I feel so stupid, and unappreciated. I feel really confused about why he doesn't see any good in me, or appreciate all I do. I appreciate him and treat him very well and loved. Is there something wrong with me?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): omg i am in the exact same situation as you are. i have dated my boyfriend for 3 years now and i feel as if i am dating a wall. i always do everything for him and i never ask for anything back but i dont even get a thank you. he does not try to impress me anymore, hold hands, he doesnt even brush his teeth or put deoderant on anymore , he also calls me mean names when is is angry. it feels like he doesnt want to make an effort to keep me as his girlfriend...almost like he is not worried that he could ever loose me. he is too comfortable with the relationship. i dont think he woudl care if i dumped him. i know how you feel and its awful!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): sorry for telling you but please leave him nowwwwwwwwww, he doesmt worth your love.. if he loves you he will do anything and everything to see you, to go out with u or even to call u... i hate men when he takes a women just for granted... sorry for being rude but i was in a relation one month ago and all my friends told me to leave him but i didnt cause i was having things to do more important to talk with him like my death of my grandma and cause i made an accident but he is the one who told me.please dont think twice
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing + ♥, writes (5 July 2007):
 You have nothing to lose by simply telling him that there are things you need in this relationship and sex should be pretty close to the top of the list - it's what keeps the bond between a couple intimate. Otherwise, you're nothing more than glorified friends. Also, verbal confirmation is equally important - the way you treat each other on a daily basis helps you both feel like you're in a loving, thriving relationship. If you're the only one giving, it's time to talk to him and find out why he feels like it's such a burden. Is he depressed for some reason? Could it be that his parents were poor role models and he really doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship with someone? After you've said what's on your mind and explained how his distance and lack of effort is making you feel, you may need to consider ending the relationship if you don't see any signs of improvement over a period of time (you determine the time frame you're willing to wait for). I would really question his love for you. He may enjoy your companionship, but not truly love you. In that case, he'd be better off with a dog.
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A
female
reader, sunrise +, writes (5 July 2007):
 Hi, you must feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall, you should still be in the honeymoon phase, not beating yourself up wondering whats going on in his head.
You need to try to talk to him and tell him how the relationship is making you feel.
You are obviously a loving sensitive person and feel you get nothing back which makes you very insecure. You shouldn't have to ask him if he loves you, you should feel it.
Talk to him and if you're not happy walk away, you deserve to be loved, we all do. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, maryjane22  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 What incentive is he offering for you to spice up your sex life? This guy just sounds plain uninterested in you. It's not your job to chase after him, and worry about doing the right thing. If a man doesn't want sex, there is a problem! I suggest you leave this relationship. if it is meant to be he will realize what a fool he was and come crawling back. Goodluck!
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A
female
reader, Ask_HanBan +, writes (5 July 2007):
 make him apreciate you, spice up ur sex life so it isnt exactly seen as a chore but a hobbie.
the losss of physical contact is normal just reinforce it, good luk!
Hannah :)
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