A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry if this is long or boring but I am really in need of some guidance.I live in Canada and have been dating my boyfriend Matt for two years. He lives in Ireland and for these two years, we've maintained the long distance relationship.We've been dating since I was 18 (he is 6 years older than me). We met while he was on vacation in Ontario, and since then we've been in a very wonderful relationship. We work very hard to make enough money to visit each other; we each do about three trips a year, and roughly see one another every 2 months. We talk on the phone every day, send letters, e-mails, etc. Besides the distance, everything in the relationship is great. He's loving, attentive, protective, sweet, funny...everything I want. Our sex life is great and just being around him makes me even more crazy about him than I already am.Which is why I can't figure out why all of a sudden I'm having such issues with things. I'm 20 now and will be graduating from college in one year. We always had plans to get engaged and move in together when I graduate.Because of the distance and our circumstances, it would be me moving to Ireland to be with him. I've always known this and been okay with it until recently. Now, whenever I think about moving to Ireland, I panic. I can't imagine leaving behind Canada and my family and friends. It's so upsetting for me to think about.I also don't know how ready I feel for marriage and all those things. If we got married I'd be around 22, and I never saw myself getting married so young. It scares me. He's completely ready, but I think that's because he's so much older, more established, he's done the whole "youthful 20s" thing already.My huge problem is that I love him. I LOVE him, and I want to spend my life with him. I can't imagine being without him. But if I want to be with him, that means I have to move. Because of immigration laws, we can only seem to live together if we're either engaged or married.Basically my choices seem to be, be with the man I love and give up my country and get married/engaged at a very young age which I never wanted....or, I don't move, risk losing him, or suffer through more painful years of a long distance relationship.I feel like I'm suffocating. I don't know what I can do. Neither option seems right for me. Breaking up isn't the way to go; I want to be with him. But these sacrifices just seem huge.
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male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (14 October 2008):
 Hi dear, I understand how you are feeling. The fact that you are ready to make such a huge sacrifice, a) get married at such a young age and b) wanting to leave your country and family behind. That tells me that you must love him very very much!. Lets imagine that you do get married with him and you move to Ireland. There is a very high risk that you could get homesick. I assume that you never got really homesick. Homesickness is something that should not be taken lightly it can lead to severe depression. If you get homesick when you are in Ireland you will have a turmoil because you are committed to a married man, while you are desperate for going back to your country. You will realise that going back to Canada just for a holiday is just not going to be enough. To add to that you are very young still to get married even though possibly you have a lot of life experience for a 20 year old. In my opinion you should enjoy your ''youthful 20s'' and not get too committed so soon. However there is a pro of going to live in Ireland and get married, that it is an adventurous experience which takes a lot of courage. You would get admiration for the courage. My over all conclusion waying up the pro's and con's you should NOT go to Ireland because of the risk's I mentioned. In opinion he should go and live in Canada with you, if thats not an option I suggest that you terminate the relationship with him and try and remain friends. Good luck!
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (14 October 2008):
 Unfortunately, that is what a choice is. Choosing between two things that you actually want. It isn't an easy thing to do, and something is always left behind. Often, sacrifices are in direct proportion to the the one that is left, and that seems harder still. You are the only one who can determine what you want to do and where you want to go in life. I get it, I know exactly how panicked you feel now that crunch time is here. But you do know how you feel about him. If I were in your shoes, and I have been, I would concentrate more on what kind of regrets I would have if I didn't follow through on my plans. You will ALWAYS have your family, no matter what. They will always be a phone call away, and they will always be a plane ride away. I am thinking that the panic you are feeling is just a general sense of change. The only thing in life that will ALWAYS remain constant is change. You are just at the beginning of it. And give your very worldly older boyfriend a break, he is only just a heartbeat older than you are. I'm quite sure that he is having his own personal little panic attacks too. EVERY SINGLE CHANGE THAT WE MAKE FOR OURSELVES IS A GIANT LEAP OF FAITH. Don't think that it's any easier for you, for him, or for anyone else. You just have to figure our how much you want this, and how serious your regrets would be if you DON'T follow through because of your fear. Winston Church said - "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." and truth be told, a life based on fear isn't one worth living. Be Bold.
ps.- I left the city where I was born to travel the world with my husband; my children have been raised in many countries. They are still traveling and are being schooled in different countries. We are all still very close and very happy. XXX
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