A
male
age
30-35,
*lphadazza
writes:Hey Guys.!Im feeling very lost at the moment and no one to turn to or ask for advice. Anyway I have been dating this girl for about 4 months and everything has been going so good between us from A to Z. its almost like a dream and believe me Im not a daft of dumb guy I can also see things but also not all perfect. So some advice could help Please. Ok!! I have been on holiday visiting my family in south Africa for about almost 2 months Christmas and its been so so hard for me and my girlfriend. we are missing each other very much. I met her in Australia and she is from Germany and im currently studying there and she is working there on a work visa. we both are planning to live there. Ok I get to the point. She is currently working on a farm for 3 months outside of Perth only so she can get a second year working visa. she started working on the farm after I had left to come home and now when I go back I will not see her until round end of March because that is when she finishes. Hint, the Farm is about 1200Kms away form Perth in the country side. so abit far to drive. Here are our plans. I was going to fly to the farm to visit her after being back in Perth after two weeks. The flight is fairly expensive for that distance but anyway. I love her very much and just want to see her again. so I said to her that I will take 4 days off my work and studies over the weekend to come visit her. She is very happy with that, but she also said that she does not mind if I cant make it. well mmmmm if she really misses me then she wouldn't be asking questions like that. Also We were planning on going on a 10 day holiday together in Thailand cus its cheap and we where looking so forward to it and she is so happy about it and would be nice to spend some close intimate time together. 2 weeks later Now she send me a message saying that look. 3 of my friends from Germany (girls) are going to be in Thailand at that time and she was planning to go with them. Now she has changed our plans. She is going towards right after she has finished working on the farm. that is near end of March round 20th. Ok heres my point. I already told her that I can not make it any earlier because I will be studying and holidays are only in April. so we both agreed on that. So I then asked her so you going with out me? what about our plans? she then said that I could meet up with them if I want late in the time and then it will be just us two together. she say that we dont have to be around her friends all the time. My point is, is that why is she in such a hurry? what is she going to miss. They are travelling for 3 months. I would have thought that after me visiting her even for just 4 days and making a big effort and sacrifice in doing so, then she could also be fair in doing so and spending time with me after her farm work. I would have expected her after her work like she would at-leash even spend a week with me before her travels as we have not seen each other in a along time and have missed each other. I would have thought that if you love some one so much and actually care about each other then in the relationship they would do anything to spend time with each other after a long time. But unfortunately she dont see that. so I will only see her again in July. All she can say is sorry babe. I dont want to nag her to spend time with me as that is not for me to decide. that decision comes from her heart on the way she feels about us. Its almost as thow it does not bother her that we are not seeing each other in a long time and that she couldnt care or atleast make an effort. So to her, her friends and travelling is means more to her than her believed boyfriend. Even just a week. Why could she not just take a week off to be with me and meet up with her friends a week later. Its funny how its been planned right after she finishes her work but she has not planned anything for her and me. What do you think guys???? Im putting effort and shes couldnt even think about doing her part. and it would cost her nothing besides just one week away from her friends. She says I can join them later and meet up but its almost to me as I feel like again Im makng the effort and that she like well you can come if you want or not it doesnt bother me kind of attitude. I feel like Im just following her like a dog if I do that.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 January 2014):
I agree with Janniepeg. I think the long distance is not working out as well and she might even feel pressured to show you all of this love when she has not seen you in so long. I think even if you go to her, she will find some excuses to sort of ditch you and hopefully "you will get the idea" that she is not into you anymore.
It is not your fault, nor hers. It has only been four months and you should not "self sacrifice" to force love into the friendship. Any mature couple who does long distance knows that the two people MUST BE on the same page about plans and communication else it just doesn't work.
The way she is acting, it is a win-win situation. If you visit her she can semi-see you and keep you at a distance. If you break up with her now, you save her from having to make a tough decision. I honestly think you should just make up some lie and say you can not visit her again. I also think you should not put all your eggs in one basket for this girl. If you guys do get to meet again, then great! But you really should not force this stuff on her because if you take a step back, you will see she is not ready for these types of hardships and commitment.
Look for someone who will be ready for that commitment, don't force it onto her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): There was an American movie that came out in 2009:
"He's Just Not That Into You!"
Let's change the pronoun, and just say "she's just not that into YOU!"
You're smitten, and falling "head over heals" with someone who is going to be returning to her country in a couple of months anyway.
She isn't all enthused over the trip; because it's your idea, and she just agreed to it. She stole that idea, went behind your back, and invited her girlfriends to Thailand.
You got played! Don't you think it's a weird coincidence her friends are meeting her in Thailand; just around the time you planned the vacation?
Don't be so naive. Cancel all plans and dump her. She's playing nice; but being sly about things. You're coming on too strong; and I can see where it's not easy to slow you down.
You've got a case of tunnel-vision; and all you see is you being with her. You didn't stop to see if she was on the same page about that. You just assumed she is. You want it so badly, you're not slowing down to even give her any choice.
Don't blame her. YOU got ahead of the game. Now you feel like you're being a dog following her about. Not entirely her fault.
She has put you in the "friend-zone."
She isn't romantically attracted to you; or her actions would be a lot more enthusiastic; and she would not plan a trip to meet other people when you made plans first. Why can't the friends meet her later?
My advice is that you save your money. Stop traveling to see her. Wish her well, and end the relationship; so you can start the process of getting over her.
This is an infatuation that has gotten a little out hand. She doesn't feel the same for you, as you do for her. She doesn't plan a future with you. That was all your idea!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 January 2014):
 You are suggesting that she doesn't want to see you at all, and therefore she's in a hurry to go to Thailand right after work. She has a passive way of saying she wishes that things don't work out so she does not have to directly tell you that the long distance is not working for her. I bet if you don't contact her anymore it won't bother her much.
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