A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Someone please save me :(Deep down I know something is wrong with me. Mentally. I just can't take it anymore! For so long i've gone bottling EVERYTHING up because I don't want to bore people with my life story or for them to think i'm some crazy person. I don't want to scare people away!I've tried councilling, and it wasn't for me. The whole 'how did that make you feel'? part of it is just horrible. I know how I feel but I don't know why or whether i'm normal or whether I can be helped?! That's all I want to know. Do i have a disorder?I know everybody gets upset, but I feel like i'm upset for ridiculous periods of time. I'll go for nights staying up just thinking about everything and crying myself to sleep feeling miserable. It's then impossible to wake up of a morning. And sometimes i'll go for ages feeling fine or really happy and sleep a lot more. Of course there are triggers, such as bad break ups and being used by men, doing badly at college, feeling like my friends aren't really that great to me sometimes. Sometimes i'll get irritated extremely easily, especially by family members. Sometimes i'll feel the need to be doing something everyday, and i'll feel like i HAVE to go somewhere or i feel lazy... and then sometimes i'll want to stay at home and not go anywhere at all.I really don't want people to think i'm somebody who complains about her life when it's not that bad. I mean, i have a roof over my head i have food. I could be so much worse off. But its mentally draining, it's not me and I know it. I feel like i deserve good things, but they never really come along. I feel paranoia sometimes and feel like not many ppl rlli like me. But then i realize they do when i'm with them.I feel like i need to run away, somewhere where i can be free. I just need to get away from everything but i can't. I have college exams soon and i'm so stressed because i've not been motivated at all. I put off work because i'm a perfectionist and choose not to do work if i can't do it good enough.My councillor mentioned i seem to torture myself.My first love broke up with me about 6 months ago now, and it was the worst pain i've ever felt. It took me 5 months to get over him. Last night i saw him with another girl for the first time. Since we broke up i've not wanted a boyfriend, so i've let men use me. When anyone has gotten close to me i've let them in and then backed off because it was getting too close to something more than friends and i don't want that. I want it with someone i can trust, someone i can really connect with! i connected with him, now i realize he wasn't as perfect as i thought. He was a liar, full of lies. He hasn't shown any care for my feelings since he broke up with me. He ignored me on my birthday!! at my own birthday party.I've never shared this with anyone in so much depth, and truthfully i'm normally quite normal with people. I'm a good person and i know that! I deserve good things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): 'I'm a good person and i know that! I deserve good things.'
And good on you for realising that :)
I've been through some serious depression, and it's like a hole you can't climb out of.
My first counselling experience completely discouraged me from seeing any others. It took so much convincing to even get me to see someone, and then they acted like I was about to jump out the skyscraper window.
So what I'm saying here is a lot like the others- Try another counselor. Some of them unfortunately just suck at what they do, and some of them might just have a personality that doesn't click with you.
If you're okay with them, endure the first few sessions. They are the hardest ones, the 'getting to know you' ones. After that, it's all uphill.
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (3 April 2010):
 I think you're getting worse because you're just bottlig more and more up inside. Nobody can call you an attention seeker if you've been hiding it for ages and you're only just coming out with it. I know the last thing you want is attention. I mean, most people feel like that sometimes, we all have triggers that upset us or night's where we just want to get away. But you have to tell someone because it's just starting to eat away at you now. And I think you're not ready for a relationship just yet, wait until you're back on your feet again to enter another relationship.
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A
female
reader, athenas  +, writes (3 April 2010):
you may be going through depression, ive been through the same situation i was at a point where thoughts of suicide would cross my mind everything was so dark and i was so unhappy, when something has hurt you so bad it will be hard to stand back up... your young and it will seem like your not reaching nothing that time is passing by and your not doing nothing but its all part of the depression your going through... you need to go out have fun spend time with friends or family or oin a sport so you can keep your mind on something, when i was going through the same thing i started playing soccer and it kept me distracted... i would suggest you to go see a doctor so he can tell you exactly what your going through if you need to go see a counselor even though you say it doesnt work you should go... i know it might seem very boring at first but at the long term it will help you if you need anyone to talk to you can personally email me at [email address blocked] i hope you feel better and hope to talk to you soon hearing that your feeling better wish you the best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 You say that counseling isn't for you. I ask you this... have you been to a series of counselors or just one?
Finding the right counselor can make a world of difference. I have been to many counselors and I've seen a whole range
I can relate to a LOT of the stuff you're saying. Maybe some people will judge you and say "you have food, a house, what are you complaining about..." but they don't understand! You know what? Fuck them! They're in no place to judge you. All people want good things and when you have a problem, it's normal and natural to want to do something about it!
Because I understand your perspective and I've had bad experiences with counselors, maybe the lesson I learnt will help you. I have been to a series of AWFUL counselors... unprofessional, cold, no rapport. I've been to one really nice one who helped me. What I'm trying to say, is that before you rule out counseling I think you should try a few different ones, or at least ask around. It's a matter of finding the right one. :-)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 April 2010):
 mmmm... hard to tell if your sick or if your normal..
Some of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are a teenager and at the moment your body is full of hormones, that make you emotional and cause you to think all kinds of strange things.
However, staying up at night is not a good thing, especially if you don't have a reason.
You say counselling is not for you, then what is, sitting there and crying, unable to sit still, unable to be happy when your out, failing at school because you have perfection disease, rejecting people and getting paranoid.
Go back to your doctor and start the counselling again. You don't like it, but do you like the way you currently live?
You bottle things up, you have emotions going all over the place, you could be bi-polar, you could have depression, you could be totally normal, only a counsellor will be able to find out what's wrong and help you find happiness in your life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 April 2010):
You're heading straight towards a nervous breakdown because you're expecting too much at a young age. I know, because I'm the same and I feel the same. Not much seems to be really going my way at the moment, and it's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. But it's there, and that's what you have to remember. If you don't like counselling, try writing a journal about how you feel. Throw yourself into a hobby you really like. Make sure you're going out with friends so you aren't alone for too long. You'll get there.
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