A
female
age
36-40,
*1983
writes:Dear Cupid,I've been dating a guy for around 6 months. During this time we have seen each other at weekends and once during the week. To begin with this was fine, but now I am starting to feel this relationship is stalling. We have a great sex life but for me once or twice a week is not enough. I am struggling to build an emotional connection with someone with only that contact and finding myself missing him in between. The contact between us is limited during this time and whilst I have my own life and do my own thing, I feel that I am putting 'all my eggs in one basket' for a relationship that may or may not move onto something more, which is what I truly want in my life. We are both 30. I have spoken to him about this and he agreed to see each other more often but work commitments etc have made this impossible. I am trying to be patient.I know this is petty but today I found out that he is moving and he has invited his close friends to help him, including his sisters boyfriend. He invited to see him briefly at a party he is already going to tonight. I don't understand why he has not invited me like the sister's boyfriend. I feel left out and that I am not really part of his life. Should I talk to him about this?
View related questions:
move on, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): Moving other people is one of those things you can leave me out of any day. Not inviting you to a "hassle party" sounds considerate to me. He invited another strong back! Sounds practical.Although you are in a very new relationship, he will not invite you to each and every small event in his daily life.Moving isn't considered a social-event where I'm from. It's a chore.The relationship is still quite fresh. He is judging by the significance of the activity, whether he needs your company.You can certainly ask if he'd like you to come along, and take "no" as just saying you may not enjoy it. I think he is getting a hang of your likes and dislikes, and where you feel comfortable fitting in. There are a few things I'm going to bring to your attention.Stop thinking long-term and in the future. Setting your hopes on too much too soon, will crush you if things don't go as planned. You must never get too far ahead of where he is. Stay on the same page.Your age has nothing to do with anything. That's where you'll start placing mental deadlines. You'll start adding undue pressure to the relationship being too eager. You're barely six months in, and you're already complaining.Reel it in a bit. Give the relationship time to mature. Then you'll get more into his head, and see where things are going.I really don't like when it is suggested that you should suspect a conspiracy behind everything that isn't perfect.Sometimes important personal decisions may not be discussed; because it was probably an impulse and not thought out. Maybe totally unexpected. Details to be revealed at a later date. They may be embarrassing.He can't always change his work hours according to his personal plans. So you'll always have to come to some compromise here. He can't foresee the future. So he cannot base his decisions around a new relationship that could fail any day. You're already complaining about things that require minor adjustment. The things you're complaining about are typical of new relationships. Patience and compromise is needed from both ends. Sometimes you have to work the bugs out. I saw too far into the future with someone I thought I was in-love with. Had I kept a handle on it, it wouldn't have hurt so much when it didn't happened as I had projected. So hold back a little for your own sake.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 November 2013):
 You see him twice a week... when you see him what do you do?
is it always just about having sex?
do you two go out with friends?
do you go to dinner?
you "Found out he was moving" so he did not tell you or ask you or involve you... it's just that you "found out"
it sounds to me like he considers you FWB and nothing more...
is that possible?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 November 2013):
 I guess it's a matter of points of view ... personally I would have been very happy of NOT having been invited to move boxes around and lift heavy objects, not my idea of a romantic date ,lol !, and very glad to see that he does not see us going out together as a convenient excuse to make me work for free ...
Then again, Aunty BimBim has a point when she says it's strange that you have " found out " that he is moving. What does it mean, found out ? A move is rather big news in someone's routine, it's strange that he had not mentioned it to you, or discussed his plans with you, or told you the date in advance. I think it would come up in conversation with most people, and even more so with your own gf .So if he did not even think of sharing these news with you, well yes, he is purposedly keeping you at a certain distance and / or does not see you as a particularly relevant part of his life.
Too early to say , though, based on this single thing.
I'd say, wait and see. You already told him that you want to see him more often, and he AGREED that he wants that too. Only, it has not happened due to work committments. Fair enough. Then again, either this busy phase is only temporary, it will pass, and he will be able to see you more often as he agreed to do, or his work will continue to be as demanding as now, in which case he will have to MAKE time for you, making an extra effort and giving up the time that he is now devoting to other stuff. If he does not... he is just giving you the runaround and telling you what you want to hear.
Don't jump the gun right now though. Give him the time, and the possibility, to show you that he means business . Hopefully he does. But if in ,say, a couple of months , all you've got is still promises and " we SHOULD see each other more ", and nothing has changed, then you'll know that he is has just been appeasing you and is not really keen of changing anything in the current status quo.
...............................
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (29 November 2013):
To be honest he doesn't sound that keen on you as you are on him.Stay quiet and see if you get any response from him.He sounds to me to be letting you slip away silently.You've developed feelings for him,this is what i'm sensing-he doesn't deserve you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 November 2013):
 You found out he is moving .... that sound like he didn't tell you anything about it, or why he is moving, or when he decided to move, and moving is quite major news and a big enough decision to have discussed with somebody significant in your life.
Yes, I'd be a little peeved as well, especially as you have been told he has asked those close to him to hep with the move.
Where does he see you fitting in with his life? You don't have to actually SEE somebody to build and maintain a relationship, but it does seem that with him, as far as you are concerned it might be a case of out of sight, out of mind!
Talk to him, let him know if the relationship is to continue it requires some major changes on how it operates. Good luck!
...............................
|
