A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi...I have been having a problem lately with my boyfriend who has been very sick for several months now with symptoms of Crohn's disease. We have been together 2 1/2 years and live together. We have always gotten along well, even now although I have been constantly either extremely worried for his health or irritated by taking on a lot of extra responsibility because of his disabilities at the moment. When we first got together, he told me about his disease immediately, and he would have mild to moderate symptoms now and then, but nothing serious. Then, earlier this year he suddenly became very ill and ended up being hospitalized for 2 weeks and again for another week in the next month. He has been unable to work for over 2 months. I am in my second year in graduate school now and I work, and now his Crohn's symptoms are better, but he has arthritis and can't walk or move around very easily without pain. I have to do basically everything for him. He stays at home all day and sits on the couch on his computer or watching t.v. and when I come home I am studying, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. It is just so much, and I try to be understanding, but I can't help but resent him right now because I feel like he sometimes uses his condition as a scapegoat to allow him to do nothing all day. I know some days are harder than others, but it bothers me that he is home all day and does no cleaning or anything. He knows all of this, I have talked to him about it respectfully and sometimes not respectfully when I am frustrated. My question is, how can I manage my temper as not to take it out on him? I feel bad to make him feel bad about being a burden on me as he often does, I don't want to do that, but it's so hard to keep it together with all of this stress and worry! Also it is making me extremely not attracted to him at all. We can never have sex anymore because he is in pain and can't do it. I know he will get better eventually, but I feel like our relationship will be nothing by then! Has anyone experienced this? Will it be better after he gets back on track? I hope so. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): I suggest you try harder to have more empathy for him. Being in pain and having a debilitating condition is not fun, so I don't know that I would consider him using it as "an excuse to do nothing all day." Most likely he would LOVE to be ABLE to do all the housework and cleaning.
however, it's also very possible that your relationship has just run its course. Your relationship is no longer an equal partnership, rather it is a caregiver-patient type of relationship. if prior to this your emotional relationship was strong, then you could probably weather this period. But if you didn't have a strong emotional connection to begin with, then your relationship just doesn't have anything left to it other than the caregiving part. it is not wrong to break up with him, if your relationship has devolved into something that is not a 'real relationship' anymore to begin with.
it is very tough to be a caregiver for anyone - whether it is an elderly relative, a disabled or sick spouse, a special needs child, etc. Caregivers often suffer burn out and feel guilt for it. being a caregiver for a partner (as opposed to a child or parent for example) carries extra complications because you still have needs for an intimate relationship (everyone does) yet the "only" person you're 'supposed' to be with in that regard, is permanently or long term unable to fulfill that role, and because as a society we believe in monogamy, you are then stuck without any other outlet for this need so you just have to live with the void. For this reason, many people whose spouses become disabled or long term ill, hire professional caregivers to relieve them of some of the burden so they can avoid burnout themselves and thereby try to maintain some emotional intimacy. Other older couples do get divorced or separated when one partner becomes disabled or permanently ill. No one likes to admit this or talk about it, everyone wants to believe in the concept of partners staying loyal to each other to the very end. And yes of course there are relationships like that. But not all relationships are that strong. And for those that aren't, it's better to be honest about it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I think the best idea would be to educate yourself thouroughly about his disease(s) and talk with his doctors to jave a very precise assessment of his current conditions, and the limitations they entail.
Because, in theory, is rather simple : either he is really sick, in paon, disabled so unable to pull his weight, - and , if you decide to stay around, then no, it's not fair taking your frustration out on him, you'll just have to learn to bite your tongue, it may be natural but it's not generous and not caring to get mad at him for the status quo.
Or, he is taking advantage and milking out his condition for all it's worth at your expenses... and in this case, you'll have to rethink your whole relationship- if you really want to stay with a man that lies about health in order to be served hands and feet.
I know very little about Chron's disease, so I have no opinion, but, as for arthritis .." Arthritis " is a wide , generic term that covers a wide spectrum of symptoms and limitations. From my little touch of periarthitis to a shoulder, which makes uncomfortable ( but not impossible ) for me taking things down from high shelves... to the arthitis of my Granpa, who, poor man, by his late 40's was wheelchair-bound. Lucky for him, he was a professional who was able to keep working from home, but definitely he was in no condition to help with anything around the house, even before losing his mobility. Arthritis HURTS- you have periods when your joint inflammations flare up even without doing anything at all. Then, the pain goes away for a while- but obviously you are cautious about doing any movement or effort that may trigger up the pain again. Too bad for the laundry, or the cooking.
Another point, raised by another poster , is : if the poor guy is in such bad shape, how come you are the sole caretaker, and home aid ? You aren't his wife, you aren't his mother, you are just his live-in gf, which, per se, could be a very transitional situation. I mean, you could break up any minute- so I suppose provisions have been made for someone else to help him take care of himself in case he remained alone, .. a relative, a friend, a paid carer.... so why not calling them in NOW ? You are studying and working, you can't handle all by yourself , you are stressed and overworked, and you are giving out tons of help which do not even compete to you because you are not married ( yes, it DOES make a difference , in terms of obligations )- so get help, or have HIM arrange to get helped. If you find yourself loosing your temper and yelling at him- it would be about time, wouldn't it ?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I'd say it would be a good idea to sit down, discuss what he is willing to put into the partnership. Discuss the limits that his condition places on him. Be very clear and don't leave any questions you have unasked of him. He may not be able to answer them but then, you will go with him to his doctor's appointments as you, as his caretaker, needs to know what his limitations and issues may be.
Lay out the details, down to who puts the fabric softener in the wash and who buys it when you are out. If you are the sole caregiver, wage earner, laundry doer, cook and janitor, and he is the sole patient, then that of course will affect the situation.
If he didn't have you, how would he get through life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, yes, he is getting regular medical care, and no, he does not qualify for disability payments because he has not been out of work long enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't see how sticking by someone and helping take care of them when they are sick is abusive. I suppose some people could never understand. I think all of the emotions involved that I have described are perfectly normal for this situation, I just want to find a way to move on from an unhealthy cycle (no motivation on his part, depression, etc., me feeling pressured to pick up all of the slack, becoming frustrated and taking it out on him). I feel like there is a way to work together and more efficiently handle the situation that maybe I am not seeing because I have never had to deal with any situation like this before.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 July 2013):
 Is he getting disability payments? IF not how is he supporting himself? Is he planning on going back to work soon? there are days I wish I could retire already.
I have severe arthritis including degenerative disc disease that leaves me in pain every day. I work full time and that means when I get home I'm exhausted and only want to get into my jammies and veg till bedtime. Pain is very wearing on you.
I work with a guy who has severe Crohn's and my first husband also has it. It can be very painful and debilitating. I myself suffer from IBS and I spend LOTS of time in the bathroom and watching what I eat.
Our sex life is very limited due to my back pain. Mine is rather permanent so we deal as best we can.
will it get back on track? if he is doing all the things he needs to be doing to be healthy it may. He needs to be taking the proper meds and getting exercise (yoga for arthritis is a good idea)
is he being medically managed? if so then these are questions you two can ask his doctors. If you say you do not attend his doctors visits, then he has to do it or you have to go with him. I often attend with my husband to make sure I'm getting accurate information both from and to the doctor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): His doctor may be suggesting him to do as little physical activity as possible; if he has a degenerative form of arthritis. However; I doubt he enjoys doing nothing. He keeps his mind active; and that may be the extent of his ability at this time. You are no longer able to deal with his lack of mobility and you justify your insensitivity by accusing him of being lazy. Leave. No one is forcing you to remain, if you're unhappy.Rather than forcing yourself to endure this situation; it is time for you to break up the relationship, and focus on your own life. If guilt is your only reason for staying; do him a favor and let him take care of himself. He'll find a way.He obviously can't cure his Crohn's Disease or his arthritis. He will have even worse days; when he is unable to get out of bed at all. I never suggest that people remain in relationships that offer them no fulfillment. Resentment builds into anger, and anger will be acted out in aggressive behavior; or expressed in hurtful words. It is better to get out, than to stay; once you have reached your limit of tolerance. You are already saying things in anger. It isn't because you are cruel; all people don't have the Mother Theresa gene.A surprising number of people just can't stand to be around suffering. The stress is overwhelming, and it does create depression for some. Even more so for him, than for you. He's the one really suffering. Not you. You're just tired of what you perceive to be a useless boyfriend. You may as well admit it. It may be better that you leave. Don't remain only to make accusations and express your resentful words; adding to his discomfort. You are bordering on abusive, or may have gone beyond the limit already.Breakup, get your own place, and get on with your life. He can always apply to get disability income; or a family member can take care of him during his worse times. Absolve yourself of any further responsibility.
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A
female
reader, Alba5  +, writes (2 July 2013):
It's obvious to see that you have now taken the role as nurse and housemaid. I think the fact that you are going through a tough time is more than normal you are stressed and feeling unappreciated. He is very lucky to have you in his life at this difficult time for him too. When my sisters husband got sick a few years ago he just lost the momentum to get back to normal and did nothing in the house all day but watch tv, surf the internet, exactly how you have described......and he still does it today! I'm not saying your bf will be ths same just that he needs to get motivated, join a group with the same disease or something.But also you have to address your feelings for him , can you carry on? Do you love him enough to be there for him as long as it takes? I think he is aware you are getting anxious over his incapabilities but it seems as if he could be suffering from depression too. Good luck
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