A
female
age
51-59,
*ar37
writes:Hi I really need some advice LONG story sorry.Im with my partner over over 4 years,he is 40 im 37 we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter,I have 2 children from my ex marriage which ended 51/2 years ago I was married to an alcholic I was with him 16 years I left him .My Partner I found out had cheated with his ex when he was with new girlfriends since they split in 2000.I met my partner in 2003 he was sleeping with her until I found out when I was 3 months pregnant with our planned baby.I found out which he admitted he had a problem with wanting sex with other women other than his steady.He was really sorry I said I cant live in a relationship like that and he said he wants me the baby and the girls I know he has never cheated since 3+ years later and I have offered him an open relationship if he needs to still sleep with others he says he wants us and us only.The thing is he gave me an engagement ring when our daughter was born a couple of months later I asked to set a wedding date he said hes not ready????Why the ring then?still today nearly 3 years later I get ''im not ready we're not ready????He is 40 never married 2 exes proposed to him he left them just after that.........He was really hurt when 19 his 1st love left him for someone else?He has little confidence and cant hold any emotional conversation about us or any problems we have?I love him alot and it will be hard on my own but do you think Im wasting my time waiting for commitment from him?He shows me he loves me he telss me 2-3 times aday he has said I'll leave him for someone else?He doesnt like us doing our own thing like going out wants us to do everything together?His parents are very dominating?I will admit he sometimes makes me cross as he wont discuss any problem s we have so I suppose I sound like a nag?Ive been told leave him alone he will marry you to leave him then he'll want to marry you or just accept if you want to be with him marriage isnt in the relationship for you.I feel like he isnt commited to me and the children keeping his options open for encase someone new comes along?I have told him all this and I need advice what do I do?Thanks xx
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female
reader, war37 +, writes (13 September 2007):
war37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for replying,you see I think you did the right thing and I hope you are ok and happy,my guy still says we will marry one day and hes never asked me to leave his house he says its my home too,but I feel marriage is very important especially where children are involved,he doesnt see it as important so wont marry,I will probalably stay until I can independantly move on,I just feel a man should give an engagement ring (2 in my case) just to shut a lady up as it does the oppisite?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): I am in a similar predicament. My guy gave me a ring after two years, had me leave my life, my long-term job, sell my home, move in with him under the idea we were to be married, and I'd have some security with him. Then I find out one night from some stranger he's talking to who says, "Man, I hear you're getting married." He replies, "No, man, not me...I'm NEVER getting married." I then removed my engagement ring, put it away for good and just left him after seven years of living together. He told me repeatedly in the end that he's NEVER getting married. He made me feel like a concubine, cheep and unworthy, so I left. I told him I want to be wed, and if it's not with him, that I'll have to find it with someone else. I guess I just got tired of being told one too many times, too to "Get the F*CK out" of HIS house. I need some security and a commitment in a relationship, and if it means I have to get it on my own again, I will, by God. It's too scary and unfulfilling to live each day wondering when you're going to be thrown to the curb or when he's going to trade you in for a younger model.
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A
female
reader, war37 +, writes (7 September 2007):
war37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQUOTEA female reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):
He won't commit to you. And he wanted a child with you? Why? To me, he sounds like he has a screw loose. Why would you want another kid with him when you knew he was a sexaholic or cheater and he won't commit to marriage to anyone? Well, all you can do is leave him. Otherwise you'll be miserable, he won't marry you and why would you even want to be with a man who you had to force to marry you? That is just a classic case of low self worth.QUOTE
Actually reread what I wrote?I was 3 months pregnant when I found out all about him with a planned baby with a guy who was my finace?I didnt know he was a cheater until then,my first 2 children are my exes so It was another 'kid' as you put it it was our first planned by a guy who told me he wanted a family and wanted to marry me!
All I have to do is leave GOD if life was so black and white wouldnt it be easy hey?So I should make myself homeless and 3 young children?I think you need to stop giving bad advice and becarful what you say to people,I do have selfworth I just fell inlove with a guy so dont shoot me will you!Im glad your life is great and you have no problems just wonder why yopu keep your idenity secret?No I couldnt force him to Marry me and Im not so your wrong there.Please dont take offence but your advice sucks.
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A
female
reader, Jualsy  +, writes (7 September 2007):
 If a situation won't change, then the only solution is that your attitude TOWARDS it must.If you have the welfare of 3 children to cater for and you need the partnership for this reason then start seeing things differently and appreciating the fact that being with him keeps a roof over your heads and food on the table. Appreciate the fact that he supplies this and maybe the partnership will beome bearable. A lot of problems come from losing apprecaition and wanting perfection.....no such thing exists between imperfect human beings!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): He won't commit to you. And he wanted a child with you? Why? To me, he sounds like he has a screw loose. Why would you want another kid with him when you knew he was a sexaholic or cheater and he won't commit to marriage to anyone? Well, all you can do is leave him. Otherwise you'll be miserable, he won't marry you and why would you even want to be with a man who you had to force to marry you? That is just a classic case of low self worth.
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A
female
reader, war37 +, writes (7 September 2007):
war37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Its easy to say change the situation but I have no where to go if I leave with 3 children and no network of support it is going to be very hard isnt it?How can I can the situation to one of getting him to commit I cant?What would you do?
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A
female
reader, Jualsy +, writes (7 September 2007):
Remember that you are in this position becasue of choices you have made so far. If you are not happy with the way things are, then make some changes..and get a different result...it works!!!Engagement rings are not always promises of marriage these days, they seem to be a way of keeping women hitched without a permanent committment!!If things don't change what will you do?....got hrough the rest of your life feeling this way??? You are in a strong position to make new choices, you are NOT a victim. Choose the route that will make you all happier if you cannot see this situation changing with this person.Hope it goes well for you. Take control!!!!
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