A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony aunts, This is very complicated but here goes. For a little over a year I have been in a long distance relationship. I go to college in one state, and he lives and works in another. When I met him, he was in the process of separation from his wife. Yes, he is a bit older than me. I knew he was not really available, but I fell hard for him and he told me he felt the same. Everything was great at first. Sadly, I had to transfer to a different college to finish up my degree. We decided to make it work even with me away. We would text every day and bond emotionally. I was his sympathetic ear and he was mine. As the months went on, we had our share of disagreements but nothing too extreme. Any little fight we had, we always made up and I always apologized first (even when I felt I did nothing wrong). As of late, I feel as though I am putting in way more time, love and energy into our relationship. He has changed so much. When I try to get him to open up, he puts up a wall and pulls away. It drives me insane! I know him, and I can sense his emotions. Call it crazy, but I know when he's upset, sad, or when something is bothering him, I just know. He is now in the process of divorce and we have talked about our future together once the divorce is final and I graduate. I thought things were going ok. Not great, but ok. I was wrong.Yesterday, we had a fight over the phone. Out of nowhere, he told me that another woman has been making advances at him. I got furious and asked him if he was responding to her advances, and he said no. However, he did say that he misses sex, and that got me even more angry. I miss it too, but I am not out sleeping with other guys. I am faithful to him, and the thought of him with another woman is absolutely repellent and makes me sick. I never accused him of anything, but right away he got defensive and told me not to worry and that he was not doing anything. In my heart, I trust him. I just do not trust other women. I love him more than anything and my biggest fear is that he is going to meet someone who makes him happier than I do. I do my very best to make him laugh and smile, I just can't help but worry at times. I just want him to understand where I'm coming from. I want him to understand that when I get upset and worry, it's only because I care. I know he is going through a lot with the divorce and his stressful job, I just wish he would soften and not put up his guard anymore. I miss the man I first met. I feel that he holds back so much and it kills me. I confided in a close friend last night, and she told me to cut him off. I can't do it. I love him too much and I fear that my heart would not recover. He is the first man to ever give me butterflies, to ever make my heart race, he is my universe. I want to work it out, and be with him. I want him to tell me exactly how he feels, but I am afraid he will keep pulling away. I feel and believe that love is greater than any obstacle, and that we truly can get passed everything and make it work. I am hurt and confused. What should I do? What should I say to him? Thank you all for listening.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 He was trying to open up to you by saying he misses sex. The way he did it was not flattering to you. Instead of saying he misses you, he is referring to that woman making advances at him. It's like the other woman made him miss sex, and not you. I also get that he's frustrated with the distance, but is not reassuring you with solidifying future plans. I can see why you get upset, but you still overreacted. Now he is afraid to open up because he is clumsy with expressing himself and says the wrong thing. I also guess that you are thinking about him way more than he's thinking about you, and that you make the calls.
Your friend is worrying that this man is not about reality, and he's just using you to distract him from the divorce process. If he is what he says he is at the beginning, then all you need is time. When you approach graduation he should be excited and talking more about you moving in, instead of pulling away, as it is a sign that he's only been dreaming and leading you on. He won't be the last man to give you butterflies. I don't know how you get the idea that because he is the first, then there won't be anymore guys. Love can overcome obstacles, but there needs to be two people in love. When it's one sided you can't.
A relationship needs a direction and progress. Without them you are in a state of limbo. His pulling away could mean that while he likes the idea of a romantic future, he's not really emotionally ready and you become his rebound. I've read many stories of how a relationship evolves. The recurring pattern is that men pull away right after they tantalize you with the idea of the future. It could either be him bullshitting you, or he's scared, talking about a future right after a divorce? How can one make sure the second one won't end in divorce also? It wouldn't have been so bad if the man didn't say all that dreamy stuff to begin with.
There is nothing you should do now. You have been the one doing everything and it has not worked. If he contacts you then just keep it low and stick to a basic conversation.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2013):
 He was married when you met him. "In the process of separation" suggests that it was very early days. "Separated" would be further along and "divorced" woud be as as far along as you can get.
He's an older guy, you're in college.
You knew he was not really available but you decided to go for it anyway, he apparently encouraged this.
What were the disagreements about? You're long distance, it can't be about his choice of socks in the morning, it would have to be more significant than that.
You say you don't trust other women. Oh my dear, you are making excuses again for a married guy who somehow finds a way to get the women in his life to excuse his appalling behavior.
So, what where the disagreements about?
And if you believe that love is greater than any obstacle and will work out any problem…. just consider that his wife may have had the same belief and see where that got her….
If you love him too much and your heart won't recover then you are in a VERY unhealthy and damaging relationship, setting aside the fact that you met him when he was married. You have some very romantic ideas about how he should be acting and treating you and are very clearly avoiding any unpleasant thoughts about how unfaithful and capricious his affections actually are.
You are in love with man who is a cheater, sorry. Wake up and face it.
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