A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there....I really need advice from somebody else other than my friends or co-workers. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, which we were together and practically living with each other for 2 years. the reason for the final break up was because our fights were getting out of hand and I could not seem to let go of the past and I, me continued to bring it up over and over again, so anyhow he had a very bad temper, so bad that he pushed me once and I felt stupid telling anybody....so I hid it and of course later it happened again! I am to blame as well because like I mentioned before since I couldn't let go of the past lies that he had told me I just couldn't trust him anymore........I felt like I was going insane and could not take it any longer... so even though we would break up very often and get back together, I told him that this time it was for good because I needed to be me again...happy, smiling, full of life, which I felt was all gone while I was with him. ok so here is the hard part....as much as he hurt me, I loved him......I don't know maybe because aside of all those bad things, he also had so much to offer .....at times he would make me the happiest girl in the world and then suddenly things would go horrible between us. He would surprise me by my cleaning my apt, washing my clothes when I had so much work to do, cooked for me, bought me what ever I needed, helped me fix my car, constantly asked me "what do you need from the store? what do you want me to take you? do you need help? i'll help you with ur work, don't worry babe don't stress I'll pay for it," and so on. He had a lot of good qualities as well, which is what made it hard for me to break up with him! also, he did not smoke or drink, which was an A+ for me because of my past experience with my ex boyfriend.so this happened in November (the break up that is) and 2 months had passed by and I put my shield up because I refused to get into another relationship and end up hurt again. I did pretty good for almost 2 months, but just about 2 weeks ago my best friend introduced me to her brother, which he lives 1000's of miles away and was down visiting! I tried so hard to keep my shield up but this guy was so different, extremely sweet and caring, I actually felt him genuine in every sense....and trust me I don't usually feel this way especially so fast....it was crazy....the chemistry was beautiful and even though we only shared 2 days together I could not fight it any longer, so we kissed (yes that's it)and then he asked me "do you feel what I feel? when we kissed did u just block every person or sound around you? then he said "promise me you'll wait for me, I am coming back"?....at this point i was so confused and could not believe what I was feeling.my ex boyfriend did pop into my head but not in the missing sorta way, it was more like "wow, look at this amazing guy, how he treats me, holds me, and compliments me...." of course the fairly tale had to come to an end... he lives an ocean away from me and he had to go back to work. when he was at the airport he text me and said "please come get me I don't want to leave, I have never been so sure of something and I feel like I'm suppose to stay here". To shorten it up, he called me when he arrived at home and told me he had to speak to me....so he tells me that he was planning to quit his job and finish his masters over here where I live and that he would start off living with my best friend, his sister of course! I could not believe this was happening to me.....was I even ready? i told myself "of course I am...it felt amazing"! So his plan is to come back in February but here it goes...we have been talking for about 2 weeks on the phone, texting, email and he really is a great guy that I really do like...really really like but just yesterday I felt so scared of getting hurt all over again since I was realizing how interested I was in him so yesterday he took a long time to reply to one of my text and that wasn't the 1st time he did that, so I started to think of everything I use to feel with my ex and started to think of what my ex had done to me.....i know it sounds so immature and unfair but I'm so scared to continue with this friendship/relationship what ever it is that we have and again give it my all and end up torn once again...that is exactly why i had decided to put that shield back up again..... since I have not answered his calls,replied to any of his texts or emails, he wrote me the sweetest email ever last night asking me to please explain to him what is going on and how much he cares, telling me not to forget about him. after reading that email it made me feel so terrible inside......I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I don't want to get hurt any more! Please help....I feel lost!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): hey.. Don't always let the past come and destroy your future.. If you want to be with him let it be, if he didn't want you he wouldn't text you or whatever.. I can hear you are very confused but not everyone is the same and everbody needs a chance.. I'm sure he has a good explination why he took so long, maybe something happened.. Think about this did you give him a chance to explain himself??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): It sounds like your not over your ex. You and him had a history together, jumping into an other relationship may be a bad thing,(rebound). Your just trying to get over the pain of the breakup. You might want to think about what happened in the last relationship, maybe even talk to your ex about it. Its never too late to repair whats been done. You said he had good qualities, go with that and talk about the bad ones, and resolve them, calmly.. Don't let the emosions get in the way. You put time and feelings into this guy, do you really want to lose that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Hi Anonymous,
I understand that you have been fighting a lot in your relation. You have pains and you are afraid for getting hurt again and you have lost trust.
To my opinion (and experience), when you are already fighting a lot in the beginning of your relation, it is not healthy.
Trust and harmony are belonging to the basic elements of a healthy relationship.
You've met a new guy, together felt the chemistry and he gave you the 'wow' feeling.
It sounds very good to me, try to learn more about him. Realize that 'same expectations of live' is one of the most important from the basic elements for a long lasting' 'happy for both' relation.
You write that you do not want to hurt and not want to get hurt anymore.
You sounds like you could need some more self-esteem. Try to solve (end) the things in peace and keep focussed on what you really want.
Try to change your way of thinking and try to formulate your aims and desires in the positive way: You could formulate as following: you want to give the good feelings also in difficult situations. But the second part is even more imporant, because you are hurt and you it's more difficult to find the correct formulation when something emotional has affected you.
Do not try to think that you do not want get hurt anymore but you could formulate as following: I need a relation with harmony, with somebody who is lovely, mental stabile, taking care and with a good heart etc.
If you start to think this way and repeat it to put it in your subconsciousness, you will be suprised about the result.
(if you want me to explain more in detail)
About distance, Real love will overwin every distance.
When you are destined for each other, you will find a way to be together.
I wish you all the best in the life, Good luck.
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