A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were together 2 years and living together for one year before I finally gave up on feeling that he was the right guy for me. He was openly seeking out sex partners throughout our relationship eventhough he knew that I could not deal with it. I become more and more compromised. He told me he was polyamorous and had to try to create his ideal situation. He wants to find a woman who does not insist on fidelity and would herself be bisexual (she could be with other women but with only one man, him LOL) so that they can share in his adventures. He wants to have a relationship where he can be "free" not like the "golden cage" our relationship represented etc.6 months ago, without a job, I walked away from everything and move into my mom's house. I have been depressed, despondent, hollow, a bit like a ghost. 4 months ago he came back for a short while offering to change and marry me only to find out that he was only trying to get me to move back in and maybe later blah blah blah...I knew I had to give up , get through the pain and move on somehow.3 months ago I met someone who has fallen in love with me and wants to commit, is monagamous, take my emotional and physical needs for stability and security into consideration and offers me the possibility of a safe and loving future with him. He has touched me deeply but I am still impacted by my ex somehow. I detached completely from him, i do not call, email, text, or update him in anyway etc. I do not encourage him eventhough every two weeks or so he finds some miscellaneous reason to communicate by email. This past week-end my boyfriend and I went away together for the first time and at 3 AM my phone rings, it was my ex, I was just thinking about him, I am worried that something is wrong. I check my VM it is a 4 minute (party?) in the background, girls giggling, loud music etc.My boyfriend is mad that he is interfering into our lives, he feels that I need to end my relationship with my ex by letting him know I have a boyfriend and not to attempt to contact me, that my ex is playing games. I did so immediately by text and VM. he texted back the next day, apologized, said it was a dialing mistake, glad to hear I have somebody. Is this enough to stop this or do I need to call him and be firm as my boyfriend suggested? I am completely committed to my new relationship and I do not want this to impact the life I am rebuilding any further. I do not want him my ex back, he is toxic, but it is still an emotionally intense tie. How do I end this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): I can tell you from my own experience that letting your ex call you/e-mail you or contact you in any way will have very negative influence on your current relationship.
You have to stop feeling worried about him. It's no good. He won't change unless he decides that he wants to (even if he's asking you to help him change-- it's just a cry for attention, not help), and he won't appreciate your thoughtfulness and kindness. When he calls he just does it to get a reaction, to see if you care, that's one way of satisfying the need to know if the person you used to date will take you back. He's being selfish.
You sound like someone who's happy and enjoying her current relationship. Enjoy it and give it your full attention. Leave the past where it belongs. Focus on your life and yourself.
A
male
reader, Eruantion +, writes (18 May 2010):
I recomend doing what your current boyfriend suggested. A toxic relationship with an ex will only harm any relationship that you will have in the future. You need to metaphorically "cut the head off the snake" and end it clean.
Don't be rude, but you do need to tell him it's over and that he needs to get out of your life.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Time to get a new number.
I had the same problem - I realized my loving, calm, dorky honey is so much more of a man than my abusive ex was. The ex made himself sound desperate/sad/alone & always came up with a reason to contact me. Now after 2 years of dating this my honey, I've come to realize that he deserves better than a meddling ex boyfriend/drama. I have to put energy towards the man who treated me like gold & not the one who hurt me in the past.
You sound like you're on your way to doing this. Just cut him off 100% - change your number. Its not worth hurting the sweet man you are with now, for the jerk who mistreated you in the past.
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