A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I have been friends with benefits with this guy for like 2 and half years now!!well here's the thing we met at a bar,hooked up and I thought I would be a one night stand BUT no we ended up doing it over and over again!Its been 2 years now and we set the rules 'no strings attached'..but lately he's been acting wierd,like he just wants to cuddle or talk or watch a movie..well I have friends for that,your friends with benefits for a reason right?So I had a rough day at work and all I wanted when I got back home was some good sex he came over and he was like 'let's talk abt the problem', I said 'no I don't want to talk about,that's not why I'v called you here'..well he took offense to that and hasn't called me ever since!am I wrong here?I have told him I don't want a relationship..why is he behaving like this now?
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at work, friend with benefits, hasn't called, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 when you mean continue do you mean the friends with benefits? or whether you should keep contacting him?
I think Friends with Benefits shouldn't be carried on only because he wants a relationship and it'll give him that time to find a relationship. The fact is now that you guys are both in totally different places as you said you told him from the beginning and he probably didn't expect to gain feelings for you and he probably hoped you would too or thought you would.
Hope this helps
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 I wouldn't let it go. Him saying "I have it under control" implies he currently has it under control, but at some point may not. The implication of his response says "I have stronger feelings for you, but I know you don't see me like that, so I will continue on lying for your benefit."
I honestly do not believe in FWBs relationships, and I know someone will say I'm a loser for my personal belief. I think where there is sex, there is always closeness unless you're just robots.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 September 2012):
 Yeah, I feel bad for him.
FWB won't work now if he has actual feelings for you.
And, the arrangement should end so that he can find someone else. You should let him go.
FWB does not mean that the other person exists for your amusement with no feelings whatsoever. It's within bounds to talk to the FWB and even be friends with him/her. The whole "I don't need you for that" "I don't have to explain myself" stuff doesn't even have anything to do with FWB arrangements.
You're disproportionately defensive, which makes me think that there's something else at play here. I didn't judge you, but you asked for advice, and I'm going to call it like I see it.
If a guy told a girl, or even passed off the attitude to a girl that because she's in a FWB, all she's good for is to shut the hell up and spread her legs when he wants it, it would be offensive, and that if he wanted conversation, he can go somewhere else. That's not even close to what a FWB is.
I'm not a fan of FWB's, but even in the FWB arrangement, the sex partner is a living, breathing human being with cares, concerns, and a full and valid life. FWB's should be treated with respect and courtesy. All it means to be a FWB is that there is no promise of exclusivity, nor the obligations of a relationship, like demands, jealousy, having to visit family, commitment, monogamy, or the promise of a future together. There are FWB's who date, who are friends, who honestly feel fond of their partners, and it's all in bounds.
Bottom line -- FWB's rarely work, and they can't work when one has feelings of wanting a real relationship when the other doesn't. But even in a FWB, there's courtesy and respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thank you for being soo harsh on me!!u can judge me all you want..I have never ever made a promise to him,I told him strictly no I am not ready for a relationship,this thing what we share is going to purely sexual..!!We were friends with benefits for a reason,if I wanted to talk to someone about my problems It wldnt be him I would go to my girlfriends..I agree I should not have been that impolite but at that point I was stressed and him constantly asking let's talk it out,flipped me out..I see his concern but that's now what he signed up for!I don't need to explain myself to anyone..just wanted to update the others agony aunts like janniepeg,bondgirl,lmao1989 and aiden,first off thank you for your answers second he sent me a text today I'm sorry about walking out on you like that,I repluied back saying I'm sorry I shldnt have spoken the way I did,but I really need to know if your looking for more out of this..he replied saying I am,but I have it under control,I know you only look at me as a FWB and I need to accept it..I dint reply..I don't knw what to say?should I continue or let this go?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 September 2012):
The problem is that you have no respect for him. And he has seen that. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 September 2012):
 So he is not REALLY your FWB, he is your booty call. And I don't think he likes that. Doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you, he just doesn't want to feel like you only like him for his dick.. not so strange really.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 September 2012):
Clearly he is wanting to form some kind of connection with you on an emotional level, whether that’s a friendship, or he’s falling for you and wants a relationship. Either way, if all you want is sex, and he wants some kind of relationship with you, the arrangement is no longer working, break it off. Friends with benefits simply doesn’t work: what starts out as no strings often leads to this situation where one person actually starts to care for the other, whilst that other person is happy to keep it a relationship based on sex and not actually any concern for each other. If you don’t have feelings for this guy or you don’t want a friendship with him, do the decent thing and be honest about that. He may be carrying on with the FWB relationship in the hope that eventually you’ll want more. If that’s not going to happen let him know.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 September 2012):
I'm not so quick to agree with the others here.
I don't think that his wanting to talk to you means definitively that he's "fallen for you". People forget that the moniker "Friends with Benefits" doesn't mean "Dildo who Breathes". Maybe he was actually being a friend.
Even in no strings attached sex doesn't mean that the both of you care nothing more for the other than inanimate objects. It does mean that you use each other for sex with no obligations, no demands, and no exclusivity. Doesn't mean that the both of you can't like each other or enjoy hanging out with each other.
I think you were a jerk to him, to be honest. Might he have fallen for you? It's quite possible, but then again, hanging out with someone for 2 years is enough to establish a friend relationship. The whole "I'm having a rough day, so all you're good for is laying on the bed and giving me what I need" is demeaning. I'd say the same thing if a guy treated a girl FWB the same way.
Maybe talking to him about what happened, letting him know how you feel and what you see your arrangement as being might help smooth over his ruffled feathers and maybe uncover if he's fallen for you or not. If he has and you don't feel the same, then it's best to let things end amicably. If he hasn't, and he was put off by your cold treatment of him, as I'm thinking he might be, then it's an opportunity to make peace.
Never forget that FWB doesn't mean that any treatment of the other person is allowed. There is the "Friend" part of "friends with benefits".
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (9 September 2012):
You're not wrong, but you entered into an intimate relationship with someone whether it was just "friends with benefits" or not. Many people think that FWB relationships should be easy, but it's not true. They come with an entire set of issues just like real relationships, and just like other relationships, the people in them change. He may have developed a closer connection to you than expected and you can't fault him for that since you are having sex...an intimate experience. Before you have anymore sex, you need to talk with him about whether his expectations of the relationship are changing. If he wants more, and you don't, you need to address the issue now before it creates more problems.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 September 2012):
 He fell for you. The heart can't be restrained and there is no way to predict when or whether you will fall in love. He is hoping that one day you will want a relationship. Don't be hard on him for breaking the rules. Ask him if a relationship is what he wants because if you want him to be happy, set him free even though the sex was good.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (9 September 2012):
I don't think you're wrong no as you've said it was a friends with benefits relationship.... but did you ever think that maybe he produced feelings for you and maybe he felt that you had too... You said you guys have been friends with benefits for 2 years maybe he actually grew attracted to you in the sense of a relationship and perhaps it was his way of trying to let you know that he wanted more from this.
Sometimes it can mean more to girls than guys but that doesn't mean to say it can't be the same way for guys.
He probably felt that because you guys were fwb for so long that maybe you liked him a bit more than that and that was his way of trying to hint to you.
Have you tried contacting him to find out what has changed between you? and ensure that he knows you don't want a relationship maybe he feels now he is ready for that type of commitment.
Hope this helps
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