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I don’t understand why people don’t want to be friends with me!

Tagged as: Friends, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 July 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 July 2018)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Sometimes i just feel that i can't find a friend with the same interests or at least someone i enjoy their accompany. I've had a best friend for 11 years and now she moved out of country, its been 2 years since she moved out and I've going some through hard time finding another friend. I'm being a social butterfly, i talk whenever i have the chance, however they are just a temporary friendships, AND I HATE THEM. We would just hangout and everything goes OK, but boom, we just lose the vibe and get bored easily. I'm not always bothered by my loneliness, i enjoy it sometimes, however, its nice to have a best friend you can talk with. I never had a boyfriend or even dated. I mean, i tried joining some clubs to find people who has the same interests as me, but we just end up talking for a while and then everyone just moves on. Is it something normal? Or do i just have a bad and boring personality? Im slowly losing confidence in my looks and my personality thinking it might be the reason why people just don't want to be friend me. Any advice?

View related questions: best friend, confidence, moved out, never had a boyfriend

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2018):

Instead of wasting valuable time focusing on trying to understand why people don’t want to be friends with you, which is negative thinking, you could focus on something you love. Choose to relax. One life.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIt is hard when your best friend leaves to start there next chapter in life. But look at it this way you had a best friend for 11 years not many people can say that! I am sure even though she has moved away you can both still talk to each other. You say you are being a social butterfly could it be a case that you are trying to hard? It is best to be yourself? Smile show interst in a person but don't come across as to clingy or they might back off! Try not to expect to much from a person when you are getting to know them and don't compare them to your other friendship. It is good to spend time on your own as well enjoying your own company but I can see why you want to share your life with friends, being alone can become boring! You say you have never dated, is there a reason for that? Do you ever approach guys and chat to them and show an interest? Maybe flirt a litte? It is good you joined some clubs, even if you don't find a best friend you are still socializing and getting to know people so I would say keep that up. You ask is it normal and well yes I guess it is! I mean people sometimes have one or two close friends, other people have a huge bunch of aquaintences and then you have people who like to be alone. So please don't think that there is something wrong with you as I am sure there isn't. I know it is easy to loose confidence but remember that people don't base firendships on looks it is more about a connection! Are you at college or do you work? Have you much dealings with people on a daily basis?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 July 2018):

People have short attention-spans these days; and it's difficult finding people who will commit to anything long-term.

You have to learn to adjust to having people come and go.

It's much healthier for you; especially if you've never dated. You shouldn't become emotionally-dependent on a friend. That will cause you to be clingy and to smother them. That could be the reason people runaway. You want to be with them all the time. Not at your age.

You should have a cluster of friends. One out of the group will usually gravitate closer; as you share more in-common. It's better not to rely too heavily on them; so they don't feel pressured. Let them do it of their own freewill. It takes the pressure off you as well; trying so hard to be a good-friend in order to recruit them. Loosen-up!

You should make a small circle of friends; and divide your time and activities among them individually, and together as a group. You have to learn to interact with people, and not always expect to keep them like possessions. They have a right to decide to be your BFF; it shouldn't be an obligation for knowing you, my dear.

There is an easy solution to your dilemma. Learn to adapt to your circumstances. Enjoy friends for as long as they wish to hangout. If you click, and grow closer; that's a plus. If they decide to move-on, no worries. You can always make another friend. You're young and free! Use down-time and gaps between friendships or dating, as self-improvement time, or "me-time." Developing independence is just as important as being social, and interacting with people.

Don't approach people with the need to keep them as a friend; just be friendly, and let them come to you willingly. Let nature take its course. Try too hard, and they will pickup on the neediness and desperation. That comes across as a little creepy.

Learn to embrace your independence. Find ways to develop and express your creative-side, pursue more or higher-education; and be social, by accepting invitations whenever offered. If you see a social-event on the bulletin board at school; go. Even if you have to drag a cousin close to your age. They make good friends too! A lot of teens have siblings, and spend a lot of energy being mean and moody; distancing themselves from their family. Ignoring their own brothers and/or sisters. Be that the case, they deserve to feel lonely and rejected.

Go to live-concerts, fairs, open-invitation parties, family-gatherings; anywhere a group of nice friendly people congregate. It makes you publicly-visible. Be chilled and relaxed. Enjoy outings alone, and fly solo. Mingle! It will attract people towards you. Offer good conversation. Be satisfied, even if you never hear from them again. If you exchange numbers; maybe they'll recall you, and contact you down the road. You can always holler their way!

You should make yourself visible and available; if you are attracted to guys. They can't date you, if they can't see you!

Don't limit yourself to meeting people on social media. Most of them are addicted to it; and you will seldom see them face to face. Many are just looking to expand their Instagram-fan-base; to "like" their constant posing and incessant showing-off. Those kind of people don't really socialize in-person; except when they're with their select-group, or cliques. Learn to maneuver your way around these socially-challenged disloyal nitwits.

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A female reader, MiaM United States +, writes (9 July 2018):

HI OP

I am 42 years young and I also never found a bff. I look at some girls who have been friends forever [like since kindergarten] and the thought comes and I wonder why I never found that one friend. I guess its different for everyone. I always wanted that friendship that the girls from sex in the city have but never found someone with similar interests as mine and the friends I do have are not as close. Some people say it takes being friendly to make friends and to that I say BS - I am the friendliest person anyone could meet on any given day. I always smile, pay compliments, stay positive and I'm 99% happy but never found that one friend who would stick closer than a brother' sort of thing. I no longer mind, but it would be nice to have an unconditional friendship - not sure my answer would help you considering I have no real solution but just to let you know you are not alone in that situation... it happens to more ppl than we know.

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