A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright so I don't like my best friends boyfriend at all!! She started dating him about 8 months ago and all he can do is get on my nerves! So he is currently in the army and my friend is head over heels for him...she loves him. So to the reasons why I don't like him...1) he is very controlling... She is not allowed to wear certain clothing that other guys will find appealing now I'm a very open person and I feel like no man out there should tell a woman how to dress...now I'm not saying every girl should dress trashy and have the goodies showing but I believe if she wants to wear a dress she should be allowed to with no questions asked. But he believes that other men will see her and hit on her...does he not trust her or something cause I wear dresses all the time and I don't hook up with every guy that compliments me. 2) she is not allowed to do anything fun!! We recently just turned 21 and I would love to go out with my best friend and just hang out and have a girls night as 21 year olds but we can't because he doesn't approve.. I once asked her in front of him if we could go clubbing one weekend just us girls to celebrate a mutual friends birthday and he blow up on her said she was allowed to go! 3) I can tell he doesn't like me.. I am a very open person and say what's on my mind whether you want to hear it or not I believe women should be independent and not depend on any man in this world...well he doesn't believe the same thing he thinks women should be depend of a man and be in the house cooking cleaning etc. he once told her that I was a bad influence on her...what if she starts to distance herself from me just because he doesn't like me? 4) and finally there are little things that I see that just don't seem right to me...since he is in the army they don't spend much time together so she was planning on going to see him for a long weekend and she was going to pay all her expenses including food, plane ticket and any shopping getting done...well he told her that he couldn't afford her going up there...excuse me but what did he have to pay? I get the huge ego thing but when your madly in love like they claim to be u will put aside your ego to see your love one right? She was going to pay everything!! Is he hiding something from her? I just feel like she is getting blinded by all the sweet things he says to her...she's never had that and I think she doesn't realize the big picture and I don't know how to tell her I don't like him...he is sweet I will give him that but I just have this funny feeling about him and I wish it will go away for my friends sake cause she's the important one here.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 September 2014):
 It's really not your place to try to do anything to impose YOUR will on your "best friend." AND, this is a great case for keeping your thoughts to yourself.....
IF this guy is 1/2 as bad as you claim... and the "relationship" between him and your best friend is doomed to fail...then your friend will NEED YOU THERE once that occurs.... On the other hand.....
She and he may actually make a "go" of things... and they ("things") may not be all that pleasant for your friend.... and, THEN, she will need your support even more...
So.... keep your thoughts to yourself and spend all you time and mental energy being a good friend....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 September 2014):
 Growing up I had a REALLY good friend (one of the few girls I were friends with) and when we hit 16 she started dating an "older" guy (I think he was 21). And he was a total asshat. Controlling with everything from her hair, to what music, movies, friends she could have. She was just so over the moon that this older guy wanted HER. Needless to say he knocked her up at 17 convincing her that THEY should be a family and start young. And he told her to cut all the friend who didn't have kids (which was.. well... ALL of us!).
It was hard to watch.
She had asked me once what I thought on him and I had told her I thought he was too old and kind of a dictator. Yet, she stayed. Even her parents tried to warn her.
I would not tell her just how rotten you think he is, UNLESS she asks for your honest opinion. But.. she might not like what she hears.
When it comes to men & friends (or woman and friends) you really don't have a say in whom they like, love or date. Just BE a good friend.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 September 2014):
 Without know just how 'best friend' you two are, it's kinda hard to feel this out; Let's assume you guys have always confided in everything over the years; in that case sharing your concerns shouldn't be difficult. If however, you two are just great buddies that like the same things in life and have just happened to grow up in the same nieghborhood. In that case you could ask her, "Joan(or whatever her name is) suppose I was dating a creepoid, would you think you needed to tell me?" Depending on her response you could reevaluate your position.Malama Pono
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2014): I realize your concerns and very strong loyalty and dedication. I've been in your position; sitting by while a good friend is all gaga over some controlling knuckle-head.
Sorry, but she makes her own decisions of who she wants to be with. Trying to get in the way of some foolish person who thinks they're in-love with someone, is wasting your time. Until she sees the reality of things on her own; all your time and effort to influence her thinking is useless.
He has to do something to piss her off first. She's in lala-land, and this is not the phase in their relationship she will see anything clearly. She is a weak person, if he can control her so easily. That is just the type of personality has. You can not change that in her, it will take a serious of painful realizations for her to reach her own conclusions. Life has to kick her square in the ass for her to realize you don't let people, regardless of their gender, control you and tell you how to live your life.
You should consider how you present yourself publicly when you are in a relationship, as you have acknowledged; but she is doing everything to please him. You shouldn't worry yourself too much, it is likely distance will resolve most of the problem. That, and his deployment or relocation by the military.
He is some small-town bumpkin from the sticks who doesn't realize he's living in the 21st century. She is a girl who has found what she thinks to be her first-love. Trust me, she is more in-love with being in-love, than having real feelings for him. She's acting out her love-fantasies. That's why she seems so silly and not thinking straight.
You are the close and loyal friend who is a little jealous and feels left-out. She will put him first, but you've got her back. Give them some space. Stop competing. That's where you're wrong. You aren't her mother, you can't tell her what to do either.
She will wake-up. She's up in the clouds, but all good things come to an end. Reality always makes its way into life, and we all come back down to earth. Let her enjoy it. It's not hurting her to dress respectfully; but trust me, if you get tired of your parents bossing you around, you'll sure as hell get tired of letting your gf or by do it.
Don't worry, she'll start to miss you. Just hang in there and stay in-touch, and keep snapping your fingers to keep her grounded in reality. Just don't try to put a wedge between them. As even parents know, that pushes people closer together.
Remember now, you may find a guy she doesn't like, and judging from your post; you aren't going let anyone get your way. You will not always fall in-love with Mr. Perfect either. So, you just have to spend time with other friends and start dating yourself. Don't focus too hard on her relationship, there is a boundary there. Her relationship is really none of your business. Your suggestions are well-intended but should be limited; if you want to stay a good friend.
My guess is, she'll realize she doesn't like that controlling side of him. Best case scenario, he'll be shipped off somewhere and it will wear-off naturally.
Be there when she needs you. Mind your business, when she doesn't.
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