A
female
age
36-40,
Chippy2
writes:How long does it take for a guy to know whether he wants to marry you or not? I have been dating a guy for three years - We both are divorced - We both said we would never marry again at the start. He hints and makes comments about 'someday' and eloping and makes long range plans like what are my plans for retirement = on the other hand he is signed into several dating sites and looks at and sends an occasional email and perhaps chats too - What should I think? He knows I know he is on the sites and I have told him it really bothers me - He said he doesnt want to date or see anyone than me - Huh? Help!
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (21 March 2008):
 I tend to agree with Kermit on him not wanting to marry you although there are people out there that end up getting married after an enormous amount of time. Since you just got over an abusive marriage, I would not try to set your expectations too high on this one and enjoy it for what it is for the time being. Maybe you aren't so ready to get married either but are concerned with how monogomous he is going to be because of the dating sites?
I understand that, I think it's a reasonable concern and I to think guys like this, when you are in a relationship with them, eventually drag you down with their waffling back and forth. This would be my main concern with you because of what you've been through.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 He does not want to marry you. If he did, you would already be married (or at least engaged) and he would make sure you knew it. That is how men (at least those of us that have it together) are.
-Frank B Kermit
www.frankadvice-franktalks.com
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): It is apparent that neither of you have created a bond to take that next step. His not wanting to remarry is probably a reaction to the turmoil he went through in last last marriage. His looking at porn tells me he doesn't have a good warm, loving connection with you.
You need to expand the relationship, you need to think out what you want to convey, and tell him some deeper feelings. With his comment on retirement, I think he may have been testing the waters to see if your able to open up and share your deeper feelings with him. It has taken many years for me to realize this of myself, testing the waters with specific questions just to see how the response is. I've learned that some women aren't willing to share their personal, deep feelings, those things that make them who they are, that controls their movements and behaviors. This is what a man wants, even though he may not know it, it is there. He wants to know if he truly has a partner, a team mate, one who will devote themselves to each other and the strength and perserverance of the union.
...............................
A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (21 March 2008):
Chippy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the thoughtful insight - All of you offered so much to me on this - It has been killing me inside so now I know how to phrase it to him - I was quite abused in my first marriage and he knows it and he has said that my x lost a good woman - he also tells his friends how much he loves me and how good I am to him - I might mention I am 6 yrs older than him but dont look it at all - Maybe that is the reason he keeps looking for someone? We are both done having kids - We have discussed that - I think he is somewhat selfish and his x has told me the same - stubborn at times - But he is totally good about it I mean we dont argue or name call or any of that nasty stuff. Oh I am beginning to ramble - Thank you all again for the timely advice - I would appreciate any more thoughts anyone has on this -
...............................
A
male
reader, Friend Tom + ♥, writes (21 March 2008):
 Chippy2, you say that you "both" said you would never remarry at the outset. Have you really let him know that you have changed your mind? He may still think you are of the same feeling. I don't know what you have said or talked about, but if he doesn't know you are interested in marriage again, he is unlikely to mention it.
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (21 March 2008):
 Well, everyone is so doom and gloom when posters write in with commitment issues in their relationships, I usually hesitate to say end it because I know of relationships where the couple was together 10 years before marrying and they are still together after 10 more...so it really depends.
The dating site that he is on seems to me the only purpose of it would be to meet other women, so I don't get his comment that he doesn't want to date anyone other than you, or is it that he is just not successful on the dating site? That is a tough one.
I don't think he means he will never marry after being divorced, obviously he is going to be gun shy and resistant to making that plunge again. If you really love him and want to be his wife, you may have to be the one to intiate the talk on marriage.
If you tell him that you have been by his side for three years and you feel that he should know by now if he wants a marriage with you, that you deserve it and you are not apologizing or embarassed that you want that and you need to have some time line when he thinks that is going to happen, or better yet you give him a time line, say in 6 months if you are not ready to make a commitment of marriage and set a wedding date, I am going to have to move on because that is what I want for me...and then stick to it...you may have to stop seeing him so much as well to see if it causes him to wake up and realize that he really could lose you the woman he has loved for three years! So that is something you could chose to do instead of just hating him for looking on dating web sites and not dating any other women, only he knows the reason he is doing that for sure...maybe it just makes him feel like he is still single and has his options open and that is what you don't want.....so the only thing you can really do is change you and ask for what you want and if you don't get it or can't encourage him to propose, then give him what he wants and dump him!
...............................
A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (21 March 2008):
 Paladin, that is great advice. I concur wholeheartedly. Poster, your guy asks you about your plans about retirement and he alludes to eloping, however..he's on dating sites. Your bf is being extremely disrespectful to you. Dating sites can cause many men to fall for the fantasy notion that there may be always something better 'around the corner'. So many men shortchange themselves to a quality, loving committment because they think this way, only to realize later 'they lost one heck of a good woman'. So what are his behaviors telling you dear? It tells you he is choosing a wrong because it suits him, at this moment in time, without clear regard for you. He has now become a huge liability in your life because it's hurting you and you would be better off---showing him the door. Doing this will not make you feel good about all this, for now, dear. However, over the long term, a more menaingful good feeling will come from facing this truth. Hun, it take courage to weather the pain but eventually, you will find someone who could treat you much better than this. Please hold out for that and never let anyone do this to you again. My heart is with you, dear...take care of yourself
...............................
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (21 March 2008):
Everybody plays with the idea of "someday" like when we want to retire in 10 yrs but damn well know in reality it will be 30 or we'll work till the day we die so these are just "pipe dreams". It means nothing because it is just a far and away concept floating out there that you can't reach out and grasp. The words that matter when his head is out of the clouds are the "I don't ever want to get married again" because that is where all his future actions will be directed like on the dating sites and wherever else that foundation leads him.
...............................
A
male
reader, Paladin +, writes (21 March 2008):
 You already know there is no set amount of time for it to take for a relationship to turn into a marraiage. Stating that you both will never remarry after a divorce is extremely common and really means nothing when it comes to reality. One of the first rules in negotiations is to forget everything you heard prior to the word "but". So lets take what you said. He hints and makes comments about "someday", speaks of eloping, discusses long range plans and retirement BUT, he signed on to dating sites and looks at and sends an occasional email and perhaps chats too. I hope you see the relevance here. In my opinion everything prior to the word BUT is nothing more than keeping you on a string while he searches to see if there is a possible upgrade and that is terrible. I think you should put some distance between you and see if he wakes up. I am not suggesting that you need to totally break up but if he loves you and wants to be with you he shouldn't be searching for an alternative. I seriously doubt he would want you doing what he is doing and would probably be quite upset if you did.
...............................
|
