A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 3 years and have reached a stage in life where my biological clock is ticking. i feel the need to have babies but my husband doesn't agree. when we were dating he never mentioned that he didn't want children..but now he is absolutely against the idea. what should I do? I feel trapped in this marriage...I do love my husband but this selfish behavior is straining our marriage. please advice.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 February 2008):
 Richard is right, decide the importance to you of having children. You need to decide if letting the marriage go over this is what you want.
Then, you need to have an open discussion with your husband. The past is the past, what you need to focus on here is the future. Doesn't matter what was said, people change anyway. Really focus on what you want going forward, both of you.
If you can not agree then I see this marriage as irreconcilable differences. To have children is a major part of why people get married and it is a major marital decision. If you really really want kids and you stay in this marriage you will be bitter and not have the honest, open relationship you should have.
Tough decision for both of you. Good luck.
A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (23 February 2008):
 Does he give any reason why he is against having children?
Maybe he had a bad childhood or he is just not the paternal type. It seems strange that you guys never discussed this before you got married, do you two ever communicate about each others needs? If you had done that in the first place, would you have still married him?
Richard is right, on the scale of 0-10 how much do you want to be a mother? and also how much do you want to be with your husband. It seems he makes all the decisions in this marriage and you just have to grin and bear it.
Marriage is all about give and take, and making important decisions like starting a family or buying a house together. Your husband is depriving you of becoming a mother and if you do want children as much as you say you do, then I think you should take a long hard look at being with this guy.
Hope everything turns out well, Dusky xxx.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (23 February 2008):
 I have always thought this the classic dilemma, children or partner. You can argue forever about who said what, but it doesn't really get you anywhere. You claim he didn't mention it when you were dating. Did you say you did want kids when you were dating?
In any event, either party could change their mind after marriage. Circumstances change as well which influence decision rationale.
You are claiming it is selfish behaviour on his part. However, it can just as easily be said that you are being selfish for wanting children.
OK - back to the dilemma. You each have to state your position and decide how important your preference is to you. You should take into account that you are likely to feel resentment if you don't have children within this marriage, and he is likely to be agitated with children he didn't really want.
The simplest way is to start by asking yourself on a scale of 0-10, how much do I want children? On a scale of 0-10 how much do I want to stay with this man?
This is as close to a magic formula that I can get. You just have to decide. I don't envy you.
Good luck with whatever happens
Richard
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (23 February 2008):
I have always thought this the classic dilemma, children or partner. You can argue forever about who said what, but it doesn't really get you anywhere. You claim he didn't mention it when you were dating. Did you say you did want kids when you were dating?
In any event, either party could change their mind after marriage. Circumstances change as well which influence decision rationale.
You are claiming it is selfish behaviour on his part. However, it can just as easily be said that you are being selfish for wanting children.
OK - back to the dilemma. You each have to state your position and decide how important your preference is to you. You should take into account that you are likely to feel resentment if you don't have children within this marriage, and he is likely to be agitated with children he didn't really want.
The simplest way is to start by asking yourself on a scale of 0-10, how much do I want children? On a scale of 0-10 how much do I want to stay with this man?
This is as close to a magic formula that I can get. You just have to decide. I don't envy you.
Good luck with whatever happens
Richard
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