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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been friends with my boyfriend for about ten years; however he has said that he has always been sexually attracted to me. About a year and a half ago we got it together officially and it was so wonderful, we moved in together after six months. I have now just discovered I am pregnant. The problem is I really think that my boyfriend fancies my best friend and I can't handle it. He has admitted that he thinks she's very attractive and is always asking about her and flirting with her when we are out. I also caught him talking about her to his mates and looking her up and down in a sexual way. When I confronted him about this he said I was trying to cause an argument and I was being stupid. I have tried explaining that I just need reassurance as I find it upsetting but it's never very convincing and he ends up going in big moods. With regards to the baby he hasn't really commented that he's happy about it and just said that it's my decision and he'll stand by me. I am now in a complete mess as to whether to have the baby or not because I don't know if our relationship is strong enough. Please help?!
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reader, robinlovescena +, writes (21 October 2005):
 SIT HIM DOWN AND HAVE SOME MEDIATION WITH HIM. TALK ABOUT HIS FEELING TOWARD YOUR BEST FRIEND. TALK TO HIM AND TRY TO PICTURE YOU AS HIS BEST FRIEND AND NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND. THAT WILL PROBABLY HELP ALOT. SIT THE TWO OF THEM DOWN, AND HAVE THEM BOTH TELL YOU WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT THE OTHER. IF YOU REALLY REALLY HAVE TO, TELL YOUR FRIEND TO TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO F- OFF. MAYBE HE WIL GO AWAY FROM HER AND FOCUSS ALL ON YOU. JUST TELL HER TO BE AS MEAN AS POSSIBLE TOWARD HIM FOR A FEW DAYS. NO ONE WANTS TO BE AROUND A MEAN GIRL ALL OF THE TIME. TRUST ME
~ROBIN~
AKA ADVICE GURL
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female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (20 October 2005):
 You really have two issues here. The first one, and by far the most important one, is the baby you're carrying. It's quite soon in the relationship to be committing to a child together but the fact that you've known each other so long goes in your favour. What I wonder though, is how this pregnancy came about? You say your boyfriend isn't interested and says this is your decision - does he maybe think it's too soon? It sounds like he feels a bit railroaded into the whole baby thing, so that's certainly something that's worth giving thought to. In my experience, men who are pressured into becoming fathers tend to be bad fathers iand/i bad partners, as they feel resentful of both the child and the woman for landing them with unwanted responsibility.
The second issue you need to address is this stuff about your boyfriend fancying your friend. I suspect that this problem is tied in with the first one: i.e. it's a symptom of a relationship that's got too heavy, too fast. Without observing you both, I can't tell whether the real truth here is that he actually likes her or that you are being paranoid, but whichever is the case, it's clearly a problem. I think you will be able to answer this question if you're honest with yourself. If you genuinely feel that he is being more than just flirty with this girl, then you need to discuss it with him without getting angry - if you get cross, it just gives him the opportunity to have a go at you for "trying to cause an argument" wheras if you're calmness personfied he can't say that and will have to discuss it with you in more depth.
However, if you secretly know that you're being a bit paranoid, then you need to understand why this is. Again, this is hard to say without knowing you, but I do wonder whether you could be trying to cover up the big scary fear of raising a child alone by making up a different problem which is all on your boyfriend's head, rather than being entirely your responsibility like the baby.
I think you need to sit down and have a really good think about what's going on in your life. Babies are a wonderful gift, but they are also extremely demanding - it's all ten times easier if you have someone else to support you (and I don't mean just financially!) If your boyfriend is the type of man to take responsibility, then it's not vital for you two to be 'together' as long as you both work together to raise the child. If he's not, though, you could find yourself struggling for years and getting very bitter. You need to think about whether you can bring up a child alone, from a financial and emotional standpoint, and if you don't think you can (and that's nothing to be ashamed of, I couldn't either) then you need to find out pretty quickly whether you can rely on this man to be there whenever you or your child need him? I can't tell you whether or not to keep this child, but what I can tell you is that whatever you decide, you need to be brave and emotionally together for what's coming. I would suggest you speak to a pregnancy counsellor about this one - if you're in the UK, you can see your GP and ask to be referred; if you're elsewhere then try a Google Search for pregnancy counselling or ask your doctor. I hope you work this one out, it's a lot for one person to deal with but I'm sure that whatever you decide you will be strong for yourself and the baby.
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