A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I recently broke up and things have been going downhill from there. She said she needed time because she was so angry but I told her I needed her and she deliberately chose not to be there for me. That hurt me deeply. She still maintains that her time was more important than being there for me. She said she didn't want to take her anger out on me but I told her I didn't care about the anger because I needed her. Well after 3 days she talks to me and tell me she still loves me. And I was honest with her when I told her I couldn't say the same at the time. Now she's even more angry at me and is considering kicking me out of her life. I love her but she hurt me so much not being there for me that I lost my love for her. She said she expected me to say it back and wanted me to say it back whether I felt it or not. Why would I say something I don't mean. I didn't want to lie to her. I do love her and once she told me I hurt her, I felt so guilty and apologized so much because I hate hurting her. I hate that she's punishing me for my feelings or at least I feel that is what she is doing. I need her in my life but at the same time I can't be with someone who's going to hold this against me forever. People make mistakes and I made a mistake out of anger and it just feels like things will never be the same between us and it hurts so bad. I just needed to vent but I also want advice on what I should do concerning our relationship. Should I not talk to her until she forgives me? It seems like every time we talk, she ends up more angry with me and I'm tired of feeling guilty. I care about her and I've apologized genuinely but I can't deal with all this anger. She's not the only one hurting and it's like she doesn't care. So what should I do? Should we stop talking until she forgives me? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 When a person asks for time she does not get the goodies and reassurance in a relationship. I would just leave that person alone and go no contact even when inside I need that person. You should realize you yourself is stronger than the part of you that thinks you need a relationship. If she can't accept that, then she needs to know what to expect when she asks for a break. I won't even say people have different break up styles. I would not accept a break or stay friends. You should try to resolve issues through talking and when it doesn't work then you part ways. I don't see how you need a few days' time to think about issues. When you tolerate breaks you set the stage up for the future and the breaks would just go more frequent. When you use your breaks to play games, to test each other, that's not resolving issues, that's just prolonging and delaying the final break up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding. I did not tell her I didnt love her to hurt her. I let my anger get the better of me and made a mistake because I honestly felt no love for her at the time. And thanks for the honesty, I did realize that we both needed something the other wasn't willing to give and I realize I shouldve been more understanding whether this hurt me or not. Again, thanks for taking the time to answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): If you were broken up when she chose "her time" before being there for you, maybe she's trying to tell you you aren't the most important person in her life right then. There's nothing wrong with being honest with you and saying that her time is more important than being there for you. That's sort of the point in breaking up.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 I think you're both confused as to what love really is!
Love is not about how YOU feel it's about how the other person feels.
If you truly love someone you do everything in your power to make them happy, if they love you back they will be doing the same. You spend your time doing stuff for each other because seeing your partner happy is all you need.
Your girlfriend only cares about herself and how she's feeling but you're exactly the same! You're both too self centred.
I believe you're genuinely sorry for hurting her feelings but Aunty BimBim's right, you can't turn love on and off like a tap!
If you love someone but they've made you angry you still love them even though you're angry!
If you did still love her when you were angry then why tell her you didn't? I'll tell you why, you did it to hurt her like she hurt you!
She's always angry with you it seems.
What you two have IS NOT LOVE!
What you have is dysfunctional at best and neither of you is happy or prepared to put the other one first.
I think you both need to rethink the relationship.
If you disagree and want to make this work, meet up, sit down then tell her honestly how you feel about her and let her do the same. If you're both on the same page, then grow up and stop being so silly and start spending your time making each other happy. That is a relationship!
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 You sound to me like a spoilt brat!
You don't tell us what was so important you needed your girlfriend to 'be there' for you, just what was it that was so important you expected her to just drop everything she was doing and be there?
You say you lost your love for her when she couldn't be there for you, well, love is not supposed to be so fickle that you turn it on and off like a tap.
What did you expect when you told her you couldn't say you loved her? Was she supposed to fall at your feet? Eh?
Please tell me why you think a girl should stay in, or work on, a relationship where she is not loved?
Wah, wah, she doesn't care that you am hurting .....
Your apology, while a good start, does not wipe out the fact you told her you didn't love her. The fact you still seem unhappy with her choice not to 'be there' for you speaks more than your apology does. If she ends up more angry each time you talk, maybe you are saying the wrong words ............... so perhaps try again, but this time, think about your words and chose them very carefully before you speak them, consider how your words might be received, in view of the current state of the relationship, make sure your words are going to put out the fire, rather than fan the flames.
Good luck with that1
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