A
male
age
41-50,
*john doe~
writes:Where do I begin...We have been married for 15 years. I was 18. We have 3 kids--15, 13 and 6. When we first were married and for many years there after, we were broke. A small level of success has only come in the last 3 years or so.About 2 years ago, I started taking better care of myself and lost about 45lbs. Now I get looks from women that I would like to get looks from. For a very long time now, I have been wondering what I missed. I never had the chance to play the field. Hell, I didn't even know what I liked when we got married. I'm sure some of my curiosity is related to my increased confidence and such. For the record--there is NO other woman in my life and I have no one in mind.About a year ago, I told her that I was confused and didn't know if I wanted to be married any longer. We went to counseling--individually. Her to grow as an individual and me to figure out if marriage is what I want. I decided to continue the marriage. We were going to go to counseling together, but never did.I started having concerns about our marriage again. Not so much related to curiosity any longer, but more a long the lines of--do I love her? The fact is, I don't have the feelings I used to. I mean--I love her. She is SO good to me (from a mothering sense). She takes really good care of me and puts up with a lot of my crap. I just don't have any sense of emotion towards her. Often times when we're together, there are so many other things I would rather be doing. And in the event she get's bitchy--I begin feeling resentful because I would rather be doing other things anyhow and now I feel like I have wasted a bunch of time.It's selfish. I know. But that takes me back to the love thing. If I truly loved her, would I rather be doing other things? It's not like I don't like to hang out with her... I just don't really care for the---idk... emotional time and stuff.There are also a lot of qualities that now that I'm older I know I would like a woman to have--of which... she does not. For example...-I would like a woman that was confident. One who believed in herself as a person and as a woman.-I would like a woman who was able to flow between being an introvert and extrovert--leaning more towards the extrovert. --Fun.. outgoing.. adventurous.. etc.-I would like a woman that understands men--and that I'm a man--and not judge me for "guy thoughts"--I mean seriously... guys look at other women... guys fantasize... guys like to be alone sometimes... sometimes we need our space... sometimes we need to be close... sometimes we need you to just shut up and listen... and sometimes we need a kick in the ass. This I think goes back to being confident and knowing how to handle each of the above, not take things personally.-I would like a woman that knows how to use herself to manipulate me. That probably sounds weird, but after 15 years, you would think one would know how to get what they want--other than demanding it--and would use that to their advantage.-I would like a woman that is not so judgmental people or the things they say.-I would like a woman that is a positive and forward thinker.-I would like a woman that was really smart and challanged me.-I would like a woman that I respected.-I would like a woman that was my best friend in the whole world--that I could tell anything to.Those last two things... Those are where I feel lost and "out of love".I told her today that I really don't think this is going to work. I explained my feelings the best that I could. How I loved her, but didn't have the emotional feelings that I think I should have. Naturally--she was devastated. She had no idea.You see, about two months ago, I made a conscious and foolish decision to roll the dice and hope for the best. We started looking at houses. I put my feelings to the side and said to my self, whatever happens--happens. I'm very much a believer of "if it's meant to be... it will be". So we're looking for houses... I have blinders on... ignoring the things I don't like about her or feel that I'm missing---thinking that the new house will fix everything. Then in one instant... sitting at dinner with our realtor... she was being bitchy and it hit me... these are all the things that I don't like about this woman and I'm an idiot for thinking anything was going to change. So right then and there, I decided I'm not looking at another house--and started heavily considering the status of my heart and our marriage.Add to this that I am one signature away from closing on a nice--first real estate deal (business/not personal)--and I'm like crap... if this doesn't work out... (Eddie Murphy Raw comes to mind--HALF!). So this may sound crazy, but I'm lost. I'm stalling this real estate deal because of my marriage and yet, I don't want to throw away my marriage over a real estate deal.The way I see it there are a few possibilities.a) I buy the real estate and we live happily ever afterb) I buy the real estate and we divorce and I'm screwed.c) I pass on the real estate and divorced or married--I resent her for it.Understand that it's not like I'm just saying --hey I have some extra cash, let's buy a building. This is an amazing opportunity for the future of my company and overall financial well being.Wow I have said a lot... I guess the ultimate question is--what do I do? Do I move on because I don't have the feelings I should? Do I do the real estate deal and hope for the best? Or Do I skip the real estate deal and hope for the best?I know she is really hurting right now and I feel very bad for that. I just really don't want to be 50 something--or any age for that matter and wish I would have moved on. I don't think it's fair to either one of us. At the same time, I don't want to look back on this and say--I could/should have tried harder.And by the way... I'm leaving out all the facts that you already know like---I love my kids, don't want them to hurt, etc., etc. All the obvious "typical" family matters--that's here too.Thank you to one and all in advance!Divorce? To or not to.. that is the question...
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best friend, confidence, divorce, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): I think you need to grow up. First of all, maybe your wife hates you too. At least from what I read you despise your wife and let me tell you she wishes you were out of the pictue too. Both of you need to move on. The children, not kids, will be fine. God Bless all of us as none of us are perfect.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): wow, your wife stays by your side through the early/tough years, and now when you've gained some self confidence (don't forget the saying 'there's a good woman behind every good man) and your financial future is promising, you're out-of-love with her. Of course, she's not perfect, what woman is? Your wife is hurting, but she's willing to do more to save the marriage. That's maturity. If you decide to go, then you're just not worthy of her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): First off, I think the "bitchiness" your wife displays is a response to the underlying self-imposed resistance you seem to putting up against your marriage, and she on some level is noticing that. You already seem to have one foot out the door because of all your indecision, and she's feeling all of that on some level, no doubt!! There's the first part you should consider....
Secondly, STOP with all of this, "I'm getting looks from other women I've always wanted to" stuff!! Of course you are. You lost weight = more confidence. You also took VOWS.
You DID know what you liked when you got married, it has just evolved without the much needed attention. Marriages are just like plants - they need to be "watered" everyday. It isn't going to be way-too-hot, and uber-sexy every second anymore, and it will only eventually become less than that with someone else, given enough time goes by and what problems a divorce will cause within that relationship with someone new. Just because your loins aren't going as crazy anymore doesn't mean all of your love has died for your wife. SECRET TIP: Most women have sex with their hearts and their brains!! Nuture HERS!!
Third, OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND TELL HER WHAT YOU NEED!!!! You just told all of us - if this typically starts fights when you've tried to in the past, then write her a letter. Quit putting her through emotional torture while you vacillate in YOUR indecision!!
The things you describe in what you want in some other newer, woman seem really idealistic; you say that you don't really care for the "emotional time and stuff". Guess what?? That's the main thing most women crave!! Cultivate something good in her heart and it will come back to you, ten-fold.
P.S. Speaking from experience, hold off on any major purchases. If you do eventually decide to divorce, this will only make it much messier financially. Trust me, the U.S. market right now is only going to get better for the buyers, time is on your side.
Best of luck in your journey....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Hello - while it is obviously a good idea to nurture and work at any relationship as far as you can, being realistic about your lack of feelings and connection with your wife, I think it is time to move on. Yes, the transition will be horrific, but you have to be brave. I think both you and your wife deserve to be happy - you only have one shot at life afterall.I was in a similar situ, as was my current bloke. I was with my partner for 10 years from the age of 19, over the last year or so I started to develop a strong sense that I had missed out on life (I also lost a lot of weight and started getting attention - aren't we shallow). I felt that I didn't love my bf enough, and grew to resent him. In the end, I took the leap and left. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, as he is a good man, and the last year has been terribly up and down (delirious happiness with my new guy and freedom, but very low at loneliness, guilt etc). I am now with a man who I love on a completely different level to anything I have felt before - who knows what will happen, but at least we are living. My new fella also left his long term partner, and he has kids like you. However, he and his ex are now closer than ever as friends a year on as she came to agree they were in a rut - his instincts were right. They were both a bit miserable and bored of each other, but now have a genuine friendship (mainly because of the kids and she has a new bf too). The kids come over to his place all the time (he got a flat nearby), and my man feels they too have a better relationship. So I think, that marriage can be a good thing, but why waste yours and someone else's life in the wrong one. I reckon you'll both be happier with other people (but you might want to keep it light and easy before getting too serious again to get these 'missing out' feelings out of your system - then you'll be better prepared to find a great girl who you love to settle down with).Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): I think marriages go through different stages of love. Some marriages go to 50 years without experiencing deep love. 1st you have the honeymoon years, 2nd realizing your spouse isn't all you've dreamed about, but continue to love them for their individuality (this is an important step to make) 3rd Busy-ness of life interferes with relationship growth (important years to have 'dates' with your wife to reconnect) wink at each other , send steamy emails, keep the fires burning. 4th Kids leave the nest...freedom years to enjoy companionship (you can be in a room together without talking, but feel a deep sense of love for them just by being in their presence)
Sure, you can take the low road and experience 'fantasies' with other women, but they all have their 'issues' too. You can get divorced, and possibly stay at stage 1 all your life, but it's not true living and loving.
To me, those guys don't want to go the next step into real manhood.
Of course, all marriages need nurturing. Anything worth having takes effort. I respect your honesty with your wife. Counseling was a good idea...or talking with a man in a good marriage?? Ultimately the choice is yours...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Hi, you are experimenting what happends to some people when they get married very young, there is an age for everything and 18 years old it is not an age to be married, but you cannot fix the past you need to think in the future. I feel sorry for your wife, but I feel sorry for you also, I would have agree with the other opinions of the other people, but if there is no passion and no emotion, she can be all what you want and you wouldn't care. If the emotion is not there, there is no point in continue with that marriage, don't be afraid of the change, i was in almost a relationship of 5 years, we were almost living together, and one day I woke up and I realize that it didn't make sense to make all our differences work because i wasn't having any passion and emotion for him anymore, all what i wanted was being alone, so I break up, obviously your case is a littlbe bit more complicated, 15 years of marriage 3 kids, but you just have to think that there is only one live, that should be lived with intensity. Hope it helps
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