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I compared my husband's penis to my ex's and my husband can't get over it

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 April 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 29 April 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I know the backlash I'm in for...

My husband and I have been together over 10 years. Early on, I compared his penis to my exes unfavorably. I don't remember, but it's seared into his memory; I did it multiple times. He tells me that I was passionate in my descriptions and told him he didn't compare. I know that this is unforgivable and no one should ever say this to a man. I didn't apologize until recently. He stuck with me because he loved me and knew I was coming from a history of emotional abuse. I did stop saying those things, but through our relationship, I was not sexually receptive. I claimed low libido, but through our talks recently, we've determined that it was due to my emotional abuse. That doesn't excuse my treatment of him. He had been available to me, patient, and supportive. At any time, I could have searched my truths w/ him and he would have been supportive. Over the years, he's communicated to me repeatedly that relationships need intimacy, sex. He felt neglected, and though I stopped comparing him, me rejecting him sexually cemented the idea that he wasn't up to par. I didn't take his concerns seriously. He's given so much of himself into the relationship and me (since I've had self esteem issues most of my life) and then into a business that we were to build together, that he finally broke down several months ago. He's tried to kill himself several times. He's beyond miserable and continues to desire escaping life, but he won't leave me. Beside the children, he feels that he's given his entire self to me and he would be nothing now if he left me; he cannot rebuild himself w/o me b/c I put him here. What I need help w/ is understanding the male perspective of their penis. He says he needs me to make him feel better in the same way I hurt him. He's told me what he needs to hear, but I keep doing it wrong and he feels worse daily. I need some creative? s to help me understand from his perspective, or creative ways to understand the male perspective.

View related questions: emotionally abusive, libido, my ex, self esteem

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A male reader, bobbye United States +, writes (29 April 2017):

My only answer to this is what you did was very mean. Throwing it in face is hard to deal with. I know I've sensitive to this issue but due to the other way. My wife always said she couldn't remember whether her first was bigger than me or not. I did overhear her tell a friend of hers that her first guy was much bigger than me. That really hurt especially when asked that I am better in bed. In a mans head it is size. You both need help to get past all your problems.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

I have no idea what kind of man would stay with someone as cruel as you. He needs help to overcome his issues and clearly he has them if he stayed with someone who hurt him so badly that 10 years later he is still in pain over it. The poor guy.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou turned from being abused to being the abuser. You both need help alone and together. This is not about his penis, this is about rooted damage you done by emotionally putting him and his body down, and you need help with past issues. You also both need help with your marriage. Please seek out this help.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (18 April 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntYou ask for a male perspective as if that's going to solve your problem. His was a human reaction to an extremely cruel, very personal, and very intimate insult. You're hoping that we can provide you with some clever insightful male centric comment that will magically make this all go away and make you feel empathy for him and the damage that you did.

As for me personally, I wouldn't have cared about the penis comment because I couldn't care less whether or not a woman approves of my penis size, but I would've noted the evil of the intentional cruelty you were attempting to inflict and I would've dumped you on the spot, as that kind of evil is a deal breaker for me, but clearly your husband chose to stay. Saying it on multiple occasions and not apologizing for years for such cruelty was extraordinarily evil.

A simple apology WILL NOT make up for such abominable evil. If you want to make up for that kind of evil, then you need to be good to him for every bit as long as you were evil to him, so, you've got years worth of good to do before your ledger is clear. If you had real empathy for him and what you did to him, then doing what he's asking of you would be much easier. However, you don't really empathize with him so your attempts don't come across as genuine or believable. That's why they don't work - he knows you don't really want to do this for him and that's what makes it worse.

You seem to think this is nothing more than a male penis envy issue. That's why you're here asking about the male perspective rather than understanding the human perspective of such a cruel, personal, and intimate insult that was made on multiple occasions and allowed to fester for years without apology. You may be sorry on an intellectual level, but it's not credible on an emotional level. As long as that's the case, you will continue to fail.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2017):

Wow, that was incredibly harsh as you know and Im not sure that he ever will be able to recover from those comments. 10...20...30 years, that is something you never forget, because it is fundamental to who you are.

I personally would not ever be able to forgive someone who criticized and debased my body, and made me feel inadequate in the most feminine ( in his case masculine) places.

I think what he would need to hear is that you NEVER meant those things, just wanted to make him feel inadequate because you yourself felt inadequate ( which seems to be true?)

You would have to tell him that his penis is truly the best you have ever seen and felt. That it is a freaking gift of the gods, and you would give anything to have him know how you REALLY feel about it, not how he thinks you feel about it.

You would have to go on and on every day about how it is perfect, because undoing the damage takes a million times more work than just never inflicting it in the first place. Not sure if he will believe you at this point.

Then ride him daily and make him feel like a sex god. But I think you two may have to part ways because i am pretty sure he will end up having affairs to make himself feel better.

That's what I would do if my hubbie told me something like my boobs weren't great, not nice and perky as the exe's...or my pussy was loose compared to his exes who was I would be getting on top of another man so fast.

I think you guys should go for counselling and figure out if it is really more damaging to stay together at this point or what.

One thing I will say is it WAS his choice to stay with you this long so he has a duty to at least try to work it out at this point. You share kids?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (17 April 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou both need individual therapy - you for the abuse you received and him for the abuse you gave.

You also need couples' therapy to work on fixing things. Individual therapy is the priority, though, because you both need serious help immediately.

This isn't just about his genitals any more. This is severe depression and the result of abuse.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017):

He needs professional help ASAP.

I don't know what he is telling you but I doubt anything you could say about penises will make him feel much better now. The damage was already done years ago.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 April 2017):

Things have gotten pretty serious. It's not just because you emasculated him; he has compounded issues that require professional-help. It hurts, but there are other things that would make him so sensitive. Not that constant abuse doesn't do enough damage. Your relationship is toxic!

You and your husband require mental-health therapy as a couple. You both have your separate issues; but you have issues that are exclusive to your interaction within your marriage. These must be mediated and resolved together.

Your cruelty may have done irreparable damage to your marriage; but you both need professional mental-health counseling to resolve deep-seated issues that attribute to your behavior. Your cruel words may not be the main factor attributing to his emotional-collapse.

I'm sorry, I don't by the abuse-excuse. Meanness and cruelty are a part of a person's personality make up. You know right from wrong, and you know when you're intentionally inflicting pain. You know first-hand how it feels. There is no excuse for abuse. Whether suffered or inflicted, my dear!

Seeking professional help apart and together will promote healing whether you remain together or decide divorce is the only alternative. In any case, you'll still require the help before you are able to move forward in life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2017):

I understand he is upset by what you said and you have had issues but come on its been 10yrs for your relationship to be happy he needs to get over it penis size is irrelevant really... You and your husband must have something special to last so long ...have another talk apologise again and tell him he has to move on ... Go on dates together fall in love all over again...i myself have a almost sexless relationship but we still have a great relationship and love going on dates can not change what you said all those yrs ago so ask him again what he needs for you to be able to move all fairness I think he's silly to keep bringing up its 10 yrs ago and unless he lets it go he wont be happy .... Maybe go couples counselling.... Good luck x

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