A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody....Im coming to you a as a cheater. I feel like such a horrible person. Although I know Im not, I made one terrible mistake. The worst I have ever made in my life. I have been with my GF for a little over 3 years, and cheated on ONE occasion about 6 months ago.I love this girl with all of my heart, she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. We share and apartment, and have pets and the whole nine yards. I dont know how to deal with my guilt. Its horrible and eating me up inside in a big way, and pretty much has from day one. I have my good days and bad days, and also go through weekly stretches where the guilt almost goes away. But it always makes its way back into my brain. Anyways, why im here is to help me relieve my guilt. I havent told her, and WILL not for many reasons.1. It was only 1 time, an isolated incident. I have learned from my experience in a big way. I would NEVER EVER do this act again. No way.2. I cant put all that pain on her shoulders. I couldnt live with myself doing that to her. It would crush her, and change her views on life in a big way. I know this.3.I love this girl with all my heart, and want to make my life with her. And I repeat I would never do this again. Just thinking about doing the action makes me ill.I know what I did was HORRIBLE, I dont need anybody to tell me this. I fully understand what I have done. I feel telling her would only relieve my burden onto her, and transfer all the pain Im feeling, and on top of it ruin both of our lives. Im pretty sure she would leave, as she probably should. She has alot of past life issues that I wont go into detail here. But this would be the last straw, and I cant be responsible for that. Even though I probably should. This is the only thing I have ever done to her that would truly hurt her. So for the most part, I have been a great BF. I know Im rambling, but I need help.I think I boiled down my options to the 2 of these.1.never tell her, and make her the happiest woman in the world from now on. Be with her, and have a happy relationship.2.Dont tell her, but simply break up with her, and spare here the pain.I have done a ton of reserach in this field since it happened and have noticed most people are completely split on this subject....half say tell, half say never tell. I am not one of those horrible cheaters you read and hear about. This was truly a 1 time thing, that will NEVER be repeated. I learned my lesson in a big way. I guess my question is how do I go on from here and accept what happened? I still cry sometimes about this, but every time I look at her I know I cant tell her....I cant break her heart. Please Help....Truly regretful lover
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): Anon 10 December 2007, Did you cenfess one or both betrayals? If just one, how are you coping with keeping the other secret?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): I don't know if you are still checking responses to your posting, as it was some weeks ago, but let me tell you how I stumbled on it.
About four months ago I cheated on my boyfriend of over 3 years... I hated myself, hated how I felt , hated what I was living with... I would wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares of him finding out from someone else. The reason I found this listing was that a week ago I finally decided to tell him, and I can honestly say I've never been more devastated; deep down I know I am not a bad person, I would have never done anything to hurt him. And while I may never be forgiven and there's some part of me that will never forgive myself, I am proud that I fessed up to it and told him.
Here's the second part: when I cheated four months ago it wasn't the first time... the first time was about a year ago with a mutual friend who we still talk to. He and I were quite close and vowed to never say a word so I buried it, where I am absolutely positive it will stay. I swore to myself at that point I would never do it again and look what happenned?
Now it may sound to you and everyone else like I'm some dysfunctional low life but in fact I'm quite accomplished for a 23 year old woman with, admittedly, a lot left to learn about myself. I poured my life into my relationship and was the ideal girllfriend by all other accounts, as he was a boyfriend. When I cheated the first time I swore it would never happen again... but the fact that I never told my boyfriend essentially meant I could get away with it. The fact of the matter is that you just don't know... You can say you'll never do it again because of how guilty you feel but chances are after a few months you'll have completely moved on from this guilt because you'll never have had to look it in the eye and face it. Only after it has happenned to me a second time have I realized
A) As difficult as it is to grasp I HAVE to admit that if I was 100% happy I would not have cheated
B) Are those things that made me cheat things I can get over despite caring for a person and loving them so much?
And, Most importantly...
C) Only after this experience of making this mistake and coming clean have I truly experienced the broad scope of the horror in cheating both from myself and from my partner and this experience above all has made me realize that not only could I never let it happen again in a relationship, but ESPECIALLY not in marriage... And with infidelity being the top reason why marriages end in divorce, although I cry myself to sleep every night knowing what I have done and how much it has hurt myself and my boyfriend to tell him, the consequences felt from admitting my mistake to my partner and my parents has saved me from the much deeper consequences it would ever create in marriage
So at the end of the day you do what you want. You can not tell her and move on, which many people do, but I'm telling you now from experience that if the guilt is simply too much to bear and save yourself the possibility of it happenning again, only an invaluable and positive life lesson will come from you telling your girlfriend and it could just save you from making the mistake again if and when you have so much more at stake.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): I would tell her but be prepared for lots of questions and tears. Like someone else said it will be really hard but if she truly loves you she will forgive you.
I was in the same situation except we were married. I didnt tell my partner for 6 months and I had severe guilt and depression, the time did come to tell him although I did not say who it was. He didnt want to know. He forgave me and we now have kids.We have not spoken of it for 8 years and recently it came up again. He didnt want to know the other guys name but I feel like Im still keeping a huge secret by not telling him who it was.
So my question is "does it really matter who it was and is there any point in telling him that fact now after he forgave me for the actual event and we are happy with kids." Is it just a matter of relieving the guilt from myself or should he really know who it was"
He didnt know the other person but knew of him as he was a friend of mine so if I told him he would think it was a full on affair which it totally was NOT it only happened once.
So does it really matter?
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (22 November 2007):
Hey man,i really feel your pain and i wish i had the perfect answer but i don't. First you need to ask yourself what made you cheat on her even that very one time. You could have a problem you never even realised exists.Looking at your age i'm also not surprised at your action. You are still very young and temptations to cheat are strongest at this stage of your life because you are still learning how to love. Since you've decided not to tell her, let me ask you one thing. Have you felt any better about it? There three things that make a relationship last; Communication, Trust and Love and you have injured trust with your action.Imagine if you women had such a secret what would you wish her do? Tell you or not? You want to make her the happiest woman on earth? Show her that you are the most honest man on earth. Secrets almost always come out so tell her and free your mind. I can promise you'll feel much better. She may be heart broken and refuse to see you for a while but she'll certainly forgive you if she truly loves you.
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A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (22 November 2007):
 Hi
From your post i can tell that you are truely really sorry. There are 2 things that can be done from my point of vies. If i was your gf then i would like to know rather then be in the dark.However, things would not be that same between yourll. She would ask questions like why,when who, where etc and onve that is finished there would be tons more (the questions never end i should know i am a girl) Once she know alittle she would want to know more and more. The other thing that you can do is tell her and then you might just feel better - It is going to drive you insane. You should think whay would be best for you (& her). Do you think she would forgive you? Everyone makes mistakes and once they realize that i think they should be given a second chance everyone deserves a second chance. If you dont tell your gf would you be able to move forward with your secret?
Regards,mail me if you wanna talk
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): I really feel for you because I'm in the same position. The same thing happened to me when I was drunk 4 and a half years ago and again it was only the once and I was horrified the next day and actually couldn't remember anything which left me feeling disgusted. I decided not to tell my boyfriend for same reasons you gave. This was four and a half years ago and my boyfriend is now my husband of four months and I love him more than ever. I have been completely faithful ever since and like you have learned my lesson 100%. Now the bad news, the guilt never goes away, like you say you have good days and bad days. I still sometimes contemplate telling my husband but now I think it would be so much worse because we're now married and it happened such a long time ago. Everyone is differnet my advice on one hand would be to tell your girlfried but on the other hand, if it was me who had been cheated on just once I would rather never know if my partner was truly sorry, which you are. What doesn't help is when people post replies that are really unhelpful and tell you things you already know, yes we post messages because we want honest answers but people who post cryptic messages and don't really want to help are messing with people's feelings. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, you sound like a decent person, and still very young so give yourself a break.
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (22 November 2007):
 Tell her, guys have before and they been forgiven but the women who found out not from their partner usualy ended the relationship. You are cable of cheating, you say you have a wonderful partner yet you still cheated? have you ever thought there something missing in your relationship to make you do that? I don't think its your right to end the relationship or not because of this, it's HER choice. She has a right to know. Also how have you learnt from this? yeah you will get over it and years will past and you might cheat and why not, you got away with it the first time. Do the decent thing and tell her, work through it together. Fight for her as at the moment you don't deserve her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): You have to tell her. You are letting her continue to love you, but the person you present yourself as is not who you are. It is not fair on her to be deceived and tricked this way. She is a big girl and can make whatever decision she likes. Don't try to protect her. She deserves to know and I am sure that she would want to have all of the facts about you rather than living a lie.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007):
Want to lose the pain? Then don't cheat in the first place.
I don't think there are ever any second chances in life. Not ever. You f*ck up, you pay for it for the rest of your life. That's it. You can keep it a secret or you can tell her but it's never going away no matter what.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrank B Kermit
Thanks man....thats what I needed to hear. I already told myself that if she ever did anything like this I would definatley forgive her, and probably spill the beans on my end if that did happen. But obviously wouldn't bank on it.
I feel like telling her at this point would do way more bad then good on any part of it. I am learning to forgive myself. It will take time, I realize this.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (22 November 2007):
 Do not tell her. Most people do that to reveil their own guilt, not for the benefit of the other person.
Part of being a man in this is to deal with, and live with the guilt. Keep it to yourself. If this was an ongoing affiar, I would say tell her, but it is not, and I do beleive that you are sorry.
But one thing to carry with you. This is her get-out-of-jail-free card. If she ever does something that you would break up with her for, then remember that you are not perfect either. You will be obligated to forgive her, as you have crossed the line.
Now, if after this, you simply can not live with yourself, then tell her and beg forgiveness, but you will have to accept that it could be the end of your relationship, or that she might confess to things too that you do not know about.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 November 2007):
 I'm sure if you've read some of my answers, you'd find why I believe in telling someone when you cheat. You have half that say don't and half that say do. I don't tell people to do that so they get in trouble or break hearts, I do so, so this guilt goes away, and both people can work through an issue as a couple, instead of one bearing all this guilt.
I understand your reasoning behind, maybe breaking up. Thats how we think sometimes, I messed up so I will live with the pain of not having her. But there's two people involved, if she truly loves you, than aren't you punishing her as well for your mistake?
I'm going to tell you how to get over the guilt. The hard part here is that you have not and will not tell her, that will make it harder. As long as you hold it in, even if you get over the guilt of the incident its self, you'll still experience guilt from living something that you haven't told her. That would be much harder to overcome and may never.
You have to forgive yourself, fully for this action. Accept the facts that cheating is a mistake that not only affects you but has the possibility of affecting others. You need to realize that all though a mistake, you plan on never doing this again, because sometimes we have to experience the pain and guilt of something to reassure ourselves that doing this does cause damage to us as well as the person we do it against.
We also have to look at the act of cheating. You didn't do this as a direct attack against your girlfriend. It's a selfish act that is to serve ones self. All though it can affect the other person in the relationship, you didn't do it because of who they are, so you need to detach the feeling as if it was an attack and own the fact that you selfishly acted, know the consequences of your actions and learned by them.
I wish you luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is no way she will ever find out...unless I tell her. I am 100 percent certain. So she wont ever hear from other sources.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): There is absolutely no other response to give except that you have to tell her.
If it was only the once she is not going to react as badly as if it was a full on affair- so at least you have that in your favour.
You cannot base a successful relationship on lies. It is better to tell her now than for her to find out another way. Believe me her response will not be as bad to your honesty as it will be to a decade of deceit.
Ultimately, if she loves you she will forgive you. Sure it may take time and it may not be easy but if it is bothering you this much now just think how messed up you will be if you decide to get married or have kids!
Get it out in the open and move on!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): You sir are a coward.I don't mean that in a bad sense. Its just that you are trying to justify your lying to your girlfriend.Yes you made a mistake and yes you are repentant. But you will never be able to build up trust in yourself again until you have told your girl the truth.You are using your fear of hurting her as a crutch. You've already hurt her. What do you think is gonna happen when she finds out (and believe me, she will... women always do) you boned someone else, but then were also too cowardly too admit it and try for forgiveness.Stop being a coward, tell the girl and try and work through the issues together because this one simple lie is gonna keep eating and eating you until it comes out in the least appropriate way.If she trully loves you... she'll forgive you. She may not be happy about it... but she'll forgive you. And eventually you'll be able to build up trust once more.Thats the only way you can deal with the guilt. You made your decision, now be a man and let her make hers.With RegardsFlynn 24
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