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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years we have 2 daughters lately I have been feeling like I'm a inconvenience to him we don't live together he doesn't want to live together yet or get married he goes to work drives over for his tea with us and goes home till the girls are in bed then we will sit for a hour or so and watch TV I feel so lonely like I only have my daughters for company I know he's not cheating on me but I feel like I do everything alone like he still wants the life he had before we met he sees his friends everyday where as I don't see anyone I'm to busy bringing up our daughters I can't really talk to him about this as he says I'm nagging on and he goes quiet and doesn't speak to me my question is what do I do I feel so alone thank you Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): I agree with all that has been said. He's just using you and giving nothing in return. And that is not just bad for you, but for your kids as well. I speak from experience. Even though my story is different because my stepdad actually lived under the same roof with us, these living arrangements made no difference at all. My mom was an independent, strong woman. I respect her reasons for marrying my stepfather; since I know she did it in a way to protect me (being a single mom with a child out of wedlock was frowned upon when I was a kid). But…He was there but he was absent. He would do NOTHING of substance. He would sit and watch TV and join us at the table to eat the food my mother has paid for, brought home and cooked. He was nice and kind to me, we would play cards from time to time and he would help me with my homework if I asked. He had zero initiative. He kept his money for himself and lived in an apartment my mom owned. Until one day he went to visit his sister and never came back. I wish he had done it sooner.Do you know what kind of a lesson I picked up from it? First of all that even independent and strong women, like my mom, need a man. Secondly, that any man is better than no man. Thirdly, that (since my mom put up with him to protect me to some extent), I must be very weak and in need of protection. Lastly, if I’m that weak I couldn’t possibly be as strong as my mother, who, regardless of her strength, had to put up with a man who did nothing. It took me two decades to get rid of that burden and I’m still working on it. Life was kinder to me and now I share my life with a man who’s my real partner, who loves me for who I am and with whom I SHARE everything.Even though my mom hid her sadness, I could SEE and FEEL it. By staying with him you’re doing your kids no favor. Help yourself and help them. Plan ahead , ask for help and move forward.Good luck!
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (17 May 2015):
 For all intents and purposes, OP, you ARE a single mother and a single woman, so I suggest, like AuntyBimBim says, you start acting like one.
That means you do the things you would do if you thought of yourself as single, not necessarily running out to find a man (you don't need another headache), but the other things.
Speak to a lawyer and find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are. Have a list of questions ready.
Take stock of your life and re-evaluate your priorities. You could look into 'Mommy and Me' type activities, that allow both you and your children to socialise, with others just like you. Most of us want a clean and tidy home at all times, but don't allow this to become your mission in life. If it means you have to leave the sink full of dishes now and then so you and your daughters can spend an afternoon at the park, then do it.
Do you have family and friends nearby? People who can provide companionship and occasional babysitting so you can have the occasional night or afternoon out? You can even have him watch the kids while you enjoy lunch out with the girls, or even a film or a trip to the local library by yourself.
I suggest you not say a word about this to your boyfriend. Not yet. For one thing he'll see it as more nagging and ultimatums and for another actions speak louder than words. He might be more inclined to stake his claim with you if he suspects you're moving on (happily not out of spite).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): "what do I do"
Not much you can do other than accept the reality that you are a single mother stuck raising the spawn of a disinterested sperm donor who wants the life he had before you met (your words), and proceed accordingly.
I'm with Honeypie, I simply can't understand why you would choose to have TWO children with a guy who is unwilling to make any kind of commitment to you.
The time to determine whether a guy is a suitable husband and father is BEFORE you start having children with him.
In the meantime, stop enabling him. If he doesn't want to be an active, involved part of his own children's lives then don't cater to him. You're setting a terrible example for your daughters by allowing him to do as he pleases without taking any responsibility, and since kids live what they learn they'll grow up assuming that it's normal, expected behavior for men to take advantage of women.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 May 2015):
 You are a single mother ......... start acting like one instead of somebody's little convenience.
Stop talking, and start acting!
Get some legal advice, put some strategies in place, get some counselling to learn how to be stronger, shut the door on this man, he is not adding anything positive to your lives (yes I include your children in this) instead he is draining your energy.
Stop providing him with meals, stop providing him with a nice cosy place to sit and watch TV, just stop, stop stop!
If you don't think you are strong enough to do this on your own get your dad to move in for a few weeks, or a big burly brother or cousin, or a mouthy female relative or friend.
With them standing right there beside you tell this using, abusing, loser his cushy ride is over, its time for him to either man up or shove off.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 May 2015):
 Why did you have kids with this man? I mean BEFORE you even lived together, let alone got married or had SOME kind of commitment?
His view (if I guess correctly) is that it worked before you got pregnant, while you were pregnant and after baby #1... so WHY change things? Things are GREAT for him, he doesn't have to put in a whole lot of effort.
Why doesn't HE ever put the kids to bed? Why doesn't HE look after the kids so you can have a Saturday night out with the girls or just a lunch/dinner with friends/family?
He says you NAG when you ask, and you know WHY he says that? BECAUSE women are SO scared of being seen as nagging. Nagging is a "bad" thing, and no one wants THAT label. So he knows calling you a nag SHUTS you up and he can continue life as HE wants it.
How are your finances? Do you pay all the bills at your place and him at his? Does he help buy stuff for the kids, your food budget (since he eats with you all), car, insurance? ANYTHING?
I ask this because if he DOESN'T help, I'd actually consider telling him that either you two move in together or YOU will rather BE a single mom (as you already IS one).
I just CAN'T understand WHY you had kids with this guy. One kid, OK it could have been a "surprise baby" but 2?
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