A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can't stop sying on my bf's social networking mailbox and phone! We got together in summer and he lived in states, we were casual but as he was travelling around europe, he decided to come back and see me again, i told him as long as he doesn't touch anyone else, sure! I've since found out after saying he wouldn't he did! He never told me this!!! This got me nervous. Since then, he came back to UK and is now living with me (too soon? Probably!) howver hes a 34 yr old man and my friends know him cause he lived here b4 and told me hes a sweetheart! Since then we had an argument and he threatened to leave me because he cant deal with argumemts (hes never lived with a woman before and the longest relationship hes been in was a yr, he admitted he cheated on her once but promised he learned from his mistake...never again!). After the row i spied that he asked his friend if he ever gets tempted by other women!? His friend said no. Now, hes gone back to the states for xmas, i'm so nervous (feel like a crazy woman saying this) but i counted the condoms in our bedside drawer before he went, and now i think its 2 short (maybe he took them with him, or maybe i miscounted!?) y friend thinks im crazy, and if he was going to cheat he'd take more than 2, and that i'm over-reacting to my own insecurity! Please help me! Am i OTT? I really like this guy and he moved thousands of miles to be with me!! I have relationship issues in the past shich is why i'm so insecure! Is he cheating?! Should i say something or until i have proof that since actually 'being together' he hasn't been with someone else learn to control my own insecurity!? I can't tell him i've been spying! He'll go crazy. X
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 December 2012):
 OP no one can tell you for sure if your boyfriend is cheating or not but you are going to drive yourself crazy by your own behavior. For me personally, a relationship depends on trust and if you don't trust your partner then its doomed. You will be constantly doubting every action of theirs and it'll make your life hell.
If you cant trust your boyfriend then break up with him. It will make life easier for both you and him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): I can't tell if you are being paranoid or if you have reason to be concerned. I am not ruling either out. You asked him to be exclusive and he said he would and you since found out he was unfaithful. I mean if things between you both had really been casual and he was all over the place then I guess maybe in a way it was justified. Perhaps only because at that point neither of you truly knew where you would end up. He has since moved in with you. Obviously that is a serious step and I assume he has been faithful since then? On the other hand, I find it a bit immature that at his age he is asking his friend if he gets tempted by other women. I mean men are tempted by women in passing all the time. There is no need for him to state the obvious to his friend. All guy's know this. He is asking something that him and all men already know the answer to. Which leads me to think there is more to his question. I think he is hinting at the possibility of cheating. Maybe looking to get the green light from his friend in order to justify it in his mind. Past a certain age, especially past your 20's, men mature enough to control their urges. He sounds a bit infantile. Like maybe he is still in party mode. And his commitment to you may in fact not be as solid as you would like. I'd be careful if I were you.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (24 December 2012):
 Snooping is like a drug to some people. You get an adrenaline rush thinking about how you're definitely going to find something and you get hooked on it. Before you know it, you find it impossible to trust him without the constant reassurance of spying.
You need to MAKE yourself stop cold turkey. Distract yourself, go for a walk. Whenever you feel like you need to snoop, go for a walk or go knit something, go do something else. The first stop is recognizing that you came on here so that we can tell you that for sure, he's definitely not cheating, so you can try to relax. But us telling you that will not solve the root of this problem and you will continue to feel bad next time he takes a little too long to respond to a text or the next time he's a little late coming home.
You basically need to force yourself to stop and treat this like a phobia. You basically have a phobia that he will cheat on you. What you are doing with this is that the longer you stop and see that he's not immediately going to leave you, the less anxiety you will feel. But that means you have to find ways to distract yourself so that you can't snoop.
If you absolutely can't make yourself stop, it's time to seek help for the obsessive thoughts. This could involve therapy, or it could involve a combination of therapy and some kind of drug for obsessive behaviors.
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