A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a friendless, 25 year old male that has never been in a relationship before. In "paper" it'd seem like I'm a good catch, I have a master's degree, a fulfilling and well-paying career and an awesome apartment downtown. The biggest issues that I find about myself are that I'm foreign and slightly short.I moved about 8 months ago to a big city in the west coast, yet I haven't managed to make any friends. I spent my birthday and the holidays alone. I could've afforded to go anywhere for vacations but I didn't feel like traveling in the mood I was. I've been miserable for most of the year.I'm not looking for a relationship right now, I know women can feel all that is wrong with me for a mile away. I've never had the attention of a woman. No, I'm just trying to see if there's a way out of this hole. I tried meetups and I went to one or two sport-related d ones. Most of them seem utterly boring though. The purely social ones ("chatters") seem like a total waste of time.I don't seem to enjoy anything besides food nowadays. I can indulge in food since I work out pretty hard with pretty good results (male coworkers have mentioned that I look ripped, nothing from women though). When I'm feeling down I just watch Futurama or the like to numb the feelings. I have no dreams whatsoever and I feel like everything is going to crumble down. That I'll be exposed to the world as an impostor and end up living in the streets, begging for food.I haven't tried therapy because it seems like I can use that money for more interesting stuff like snowboarding or expensive meals. If anybody has any feedback for me I'm all ears. Thanks for reading.
View related questions:
co-worker, in the mood, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): it seems guys are more prone than girls are to ending up like this
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2016): Your weirdness comes from lacking interactive skills and maybe even a little Asperger's Syndrome. Your description of yourself certainly reveals how socially awkward you are, and everyone is weird from time to time. That only adds to your charm and defines you as a person. You may be a little nerdy, but your writing doesn't reflect someone slow-witted; perhaps you lack timing for humor. That's because you have little practice at mingling and socializing with groups, or strangers.
Travel as suggested earlier. It changes and matures you. It gives you something to share with others. It exposes you to all kinds of personalities; and it expands your ability to connect with strangers and make new friends. You don't have to hangout with co-workers, just because they're close and convenient. They may not even be the type of people you want for friends anyway. You'll make friends while on your journey through life, and people will come along and contribute something you can take with you. Friendship is most often spontaneous, it's not something you always have to put effort behind to make it happen. The effort comes in keeping it going and growing, once it is established. Forced friendships never work. You simply find something in a person that you can relate to, or they may attract you in a way that makes you want to talk and spend time with them.
When this happens, you'll get more comfortable with practice.
Some people like offbeat personalities, and a little weirdness. Self-consciousness and acting out of character is what makes you feel even more awkward than you already are. Just try to relax in groups. If you feel you have something funny to say, say it. Don't try to be a comedian.
Just have fun when the occasion calls for it. You have been in self-imposed exile like many young people these days.
Hidden behind devices and never connecting with people emotionally. Then when thrust into social situations, you feel lost without a device. Put it in your pocket, or shut them off. Relax! Don't talk unless you really have something to say. Just have some fun, and stop over-analyzing everything. Never mimic others, it looks foolish. They may even feel you're mocking them.
Life is too short, and you're lucky enough to still have your youth and a lot of life ahead of you. Decide you will be happy and have a positive outlook; then set goals to seize some happiness. It's there for the taking. It's easy to sit around complaining and finding fault. There are people who have it a lot worse, and have a lot less; and still manage to find joy!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince y'all keep asking about the situation with coworkers let me expand on that. I've been out drinking with some of my coworkers a couple of times, to sports events and hiking as well. We seem to enjoy said events.I haven't been able to truly connect with any of them though. Maybe because they usually have their own groups/SOs already. I'm the one asking to do things and never the other way which kinda sucks.I've always being been weird. I try to mimic other people's conversations but I always fall back to my own stuff. I also have trouble communicating my thoughts thru speech. I'm routinely slow witted and my contributions fall flat. From all of this I can only assume that I'm not a person that others like having around.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2016): I've worked for a charity and we know that many people volunteering do so for reasons like personal development, a social life, experience e. Everyone benefits. Try it!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 January 2016):
 Even if you volunteer for "selfish" reasons... what you do still HELPS other people. And IF it also can help YOU out, what is wrong with that?
And I was thinking the guys you work with, do you ever hang out with them after work? If not, why?
Being a loner is OK, but no one wants to be LONELY. There is a difference there. Best thing you can do is try something new, something that has caught your interest - but let it be something that you can't do at home alone.
And I agree with the travelling. I have traveled (mainly) with friends, but a couple of times alone. As a women it is NOT quite as safe to travel alone, so you have an advantage right there. When travelling alone I met other solo travelers and some that were group who "took" me in and let me be part of their groups - it was fun. And the NICE thing about solo travel is... YOU can do as YOU please. You want to spend 3 consecutive days at the Louvre? And not see much else of Paris? THAT is OK! Or you want to SKIP the Louvre all together? THAT is OK too!
Push your own limits a little. Step out from your "normal" routines. (Obviously not at work, but on your own time).
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks to all that wrote back to me, it's really appreciated. I was in a really bad place when I wrote this but I'm better now. I never tell these things to anybody so letting it all out helped relieve the pressure.I've been toying with the idea of volunteering but I haven't done it because I felt like I'd be doing it for selfish reasons. I'm convinced now and I hope to spend time helping out on the weekends. I'm also almost convinced to do the trip to France that I always wanted to do. I've been hating myself for being this way but it seems like the only thing I can do is embrace it.Thanks again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2016): You don't need therapy. You lack fulfillment and excitement.
You're a loner by nature, and perhaps you just don't have the type of personality that draws people to you.
I picked-up several interesting things about you up in your post. You said you can afford to go anywhere you'd like. You have the financial means; but you're in a slump.
That's it! You need adventure! Challenges aside from your job! You need to explore, and just be the lone-wolf that you are. You live inside your head. You expect women to just notice you; but you make no effort to be noticed, because you lack confidence in how to interact and communicate directly with people when they approach you.
You hide behind a business or work facade too much. You have to come out of that shell. You're young, you've got lots of time. There's no big rush. Do it at your own pace.
Travel young man! Go abroad and visit the natural wonders of the world; or see the romantic sights of calm and exotic places. Taste the foods, the drinks, smell the air, and study other cultures. Travel will enhance your charm, bring out hidden passions, give you stories to tell. Offer you experiences to titillate your senses. In culmination, all these experiences will enhance your outlook and increase your sex-appeal. Overall, enhancing your manhood.
You must also dabble in a little volunteer-work. Help others by giving back, and contributing to society. Coach young men or women looking for mentors and positive male role models. You don't have to be a hero, just show them how you reached your goals and found financial success. Not many fathers are around to do that these days. Help build a house, or give relief to the less fortunate. It makes you a more well-rounded person, and you'll see life in a more appreciative way. You'll meet kind and welcoming folk in the process.
You'll find romance just by being visible, and through giving. It's part of the reward. You're a little shutoff and tuned-out. So that repels people. It places a wall between you, and people who would like to get to know you.
Shyness can sometimes cripple.
You're an enigma to all around you. You're just not aware people are curious to know you; because your social or interactive skills are a bit dull, and maybe off-putting.
You might have been too focused in school, and set social activities aside due to shyness and social awkwardness. You shun rejection, and can't find words to carry-on extensive conversations with strange women. People must really make you nervous. Unless your job calls for you to be social.
But that isn't real. It's a persona.
Go places and you will find yourself. Be a stranger among foreign strangers; and you'll have to share who you are while in your travels. People will be quite curious to know where you've come from, and where you're going. When you return, your absence will create even more curiosity about where you've been; and how it has affected or changed you.
Take advantage of the options you have. Grow, young man. Go find enlightenment out in the world; and you'll discover wonderful things. Even if you have to do it alone. The world is populated with over 3 billion people. Among them are friends and many ladies designed just for the kind of guy you are. Only you need a bit of polishing and social refinement to make you more interesting; and confident about your interactive-skills; and you must discover and define who you are as a man.
Keep a diary during your travels. By keeping a personal journal, you can revisit your journeys and share them with intimate friends. Looking back, you'll notice how you've grown and changed. You'll notice how your circle of friends and romances have expanded over time, just by shear exposure to life.
Been there and done that.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 January 2016):
You need two things.
1 - Get to the gym.
2 - Get some confidence.
Get those two things, and youll be amazed at how many dates youll get.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): Definetly agree with other poster that you should volunteer in a role where you help people to get some perspective on your life. You will feel more useful, feel less sorry for yourself. I'm very bad at making friends, ill talk to anyone and know many people as aquaintances but I have no 'proper' social friends at all. My bf and my family are the only people I hang out with socially. I have hobbies I'm very into that I do by myself. I am thankful for what I have. I worked in people-orientated jobs and have seen people who are in the gutter, ill and with literally nothing all the friends they have didn't help them. I can't make close friends but I can be kind to some and offer much needed help in a working role. I feel more satisfyed with my own life after helping someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 You say you have no friends but have you really tried? You mention co-workers? Why not ask them to hang out, go on a night out, get to know them outside of work. Ta-da! I think you are feeling negative and this is showing in your attitude, you need to be more positive, think more positive.
When you wake up in the morning, say five things to yourself that you are grateful for, example, you are thankful you have food in your belly, you are thankful for heat, work, your health ect ect.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2016): Is it possible that you want to date only ravishing beauties? Is so I suggest you lower your expectations a little and give a chance to lesser beauties.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (11 January 2016):
 I think you need another dimension to your life. Why not go and teach children in Nepal? Why not become an aid worker in Africa?
Become a diving instructor in the Caribbean. Anything so your life isn't boring or self centred. You will find then you have more currency to attract friends of both sexes.
...............................
|
