A
female
age
41-50,
*.spot
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend/partner for nearly 6 years and we have lived together for the last 4. I am a highly sexually charged person and for the first year or so our love making was very good (I have had better in the past but the mental connection was stronger with him.) Since we moved in together though, we hardly touch each other, I try but he never seems to be interested. It has now got to the point where I am afraid to mention it again as he is a very proud person and I don't want to upset him. I wonder if it has to do with my medical conditions where I can no longer use contraception myself and we have got pregnant before and neither of us want this. He is able to use contraception and I keep some on me for this purpose. I also know he is afraid of having 'the snip'. I am unsure but I do not think he even 'does anything for himself' if you know what I mean. The situation has now got so bad that on a week away for work last week I was unfaithful twicewith two other men. This has just made my sex drive worse, I can't seem to think about anything else (this is not helping my work!) I arrived back at home yesterday afternoon and have made 3 or 4 advances from then until us both leaving for work this morning but to no avail - he did not even respond to more than a cuddle. I know that we are very happy living together but if this situation doesn't improve I think it will lead to us splitting up. My parents have a similar history and my mother now has 'boyfriends' and I don't want to do that to him and would rather split up than cause that sort of situation. Please can you suggest a way I can broach the subject with him or another way I can get him interested again?
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moved in, sex drive, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Move on. You are not sexually compatible. Unless you go and see a psycho sexual therapist together & see if you can sort it that way. But if you cant communicate enough before sleeping with someone else then you both deserve other partners.
Hope you get things sorted. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Xxxxx
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 I'd like to reply. Please don't make any more advances on your partner. The anonymous poster states "while STD's can be a problem, I understand why you cheated as I'm sure you're feeling undesirable and depressed". Yes, it's safe to say STD's can be a problem...OF LIFE AND DEATH...not just for the cheater but the innocent partner too. If you think you feel bad now, imagine if you and your partner became infected with a disease. Don't underestimate the potential consequences of infidelity. It's probably not an issue here but the truth is, you don't know. I believe it takes about 12 weeks for the human body to react to HIV antibodies. This is the problem with some STD's.
Understanding why you did something does not make it OK. It is important though as it helps you figure out the mechanics of the event. It helps put things in order so you can deal with it and make better choices in the future. Mistakes don't necessarily make you an evil person. If you choose to continue on the wrong path though, that makes you a person of poor character.
Obviously, cheating didn't make feel better, lesson learned. So what the anonymous aunt proved is my point. While you had a romp (twice), it solved nothing. I'd bet you feel worse. That is why it's always better to do things as I mentioned, in the right order. Even though it seems more painful sometimes, pain is inevitable. Pain with integrity though can at least let you hold your head higher. This was not handled properly. Your boyfriend also needs to hold up his end of the relationship. If he doesn't, break up. But do things in the proper way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): I am in quite a similar situation, so I don't have any great advice. I can tell you that no one(namely the poster before me) should make you feel bad about what you did. While STD's can be a problem, I understand why you cheated as Im sure you're feeling undesirable and depressed. I feel the same way with my boyfriend and I did the same thing. My boyfriend is not just depriving me of sex, he is making me feel unattractive and unloved, I'm guessing you're feeling the same. More importantly, that was your decision and only you can decide to feel guilty about it or not. I am planning to split up with him because as much as I love him and see him as a life long partner, I simply can't live the rest of my life feeling this way, I think I deserve more. I hope you get some good advice, I'll be checking it out for myself too haha!
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (25 July 2007):
Well, you should have split up then. Now, you've created a scenario where you've cheated. Twice in one week. That is terrible.
Unfortunately you made a bigger problem before you fixed the original issue. I can only tell you what you should have done. You should have talked to your guy, gone for help and resolved the problem. It it was resolved, you could have left with your dignity in tact. It's too late now though as you've iced the cake, so to speak.
Now you have the issues of STD's etc. So, you can't sleep with your boyfriend because you could infect him with anything you might have picked up. I guess your option is to go and get tested yourself, clear your mind and deal with what you've done. By the way, if you feel you couldn't possibly have an STD..you're wrong.
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